Lived Experience Forum

[WTFIGO]

I'm 42 aparated from my wife 2 weeks ago. She suffers depression and admits it but refuses to seek help. She googles help but does nothing. She has basically lay in bed for 12-18months doing nothing while I worked and worried. She says she has no feelings for me anymore and that's it she's moving in. We still are living together as we have a 7 yr old boy with autism and she has just started a new job working five nights a week. I obviously need to be here to look after our boy. I lost my job less than a week after she called for the separation. She says the depression has nothing to do with her feelings. I can't see how we had a chance with her condition consuming her, I feel like I'm the easy one to blame and ditch rather than seeking help. I promised her I'd never quit on her and always support her as she has been mistreated by every past person in her life. I told her I want to be the one constant in her life that never gave up on her and always stood there taking the bad treatment because I love her. I can see other things where the relationship was suffering but I still believe she's made her choice to quit on us and not get help. I know when she worked for about 3 months she started to come back to me but then lost that job and went straight back to bed. I was hoping with this new job she would come back again but she didn't wait she just quit. I don't want to quit but we are in a small town and the work prospects for me would only be enough if we were together. I don't want to lose sour family and I'm willing to do whatever it takes if there's a chance. But I need a job and I need to be prepared to look after me also moving forward, I don't want to be strung along for 6 months just because it suits her job! I'm kind of stuck in a catch 22. If I move she might realise she wants me still but if I move she may not be able to keep her job and that would be seen as my fault and ruin any hope I have. Lost broke confused lonely sad

[lola]

Hi WTFIGO

Lola here, one of the moderators.

Welcome to the Sane Forums. I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. You have summed up your feelings really well 'Lost broke confused lonely sad'

You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the forum and seeking help.  You will find that there is a lot of wisdom and kindness among the forum members here and I am sure you will get some replies soon. 

Are you safe tonight? Do you have someone you can speak to right now? (aside from this forum?)

If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;

 Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Mensline 1300 789 978 

Once again welcome! The forum is wonderful way of connecting with others.

You can read more about the guidelines in the   Community Guidelines.

I look forward to seeing future posts from you.

Regards

lola  

[pip]

Dear WTFIGO. As you so articulately remarked, you are well and truly in a 'catch 22' situation. From everything you've said, it sounds as though your wife is blaming you rather than accepting her part in your marriage break-down. Perhaps a talk with your G.P might be a good place to start. Whether you wish to reconcile is something only you know, but your wife's health is something she has to be responsible for. Sometimes carers need time out so they can re-evaluate their part in caring for their spouses/children/families. At the time you made your vow to be there, I gather things weren't too bad. She seems determined to make you follow through with your promise. Her depression is eating her and will be impacting on her feelings. The fact that she's in denial is testament to how consuming and overpowering depression can be if left untreated. I think, in this situation, I'd be inclined to be totally honest about my feelings and tell her you need to be where the work is. Tell her you are concerned and you won't desert her, but you can't let her dictate your life. If she loses her job, that is her problem and she needs to accept responsibility. If she tries to blame you for losing her job, don't accept the blame, tell her you're sorry, but it's her job, her responsibility. I think, also have a talk with the G.P and mention about your wife's depression. There's no guarantee your wife will keep her job, any more than there's a guarantee your job will remain.

[WTFIGO]

Thank you for the responses, I feel like I'm running out of time to save us. She is doing lots of little things to remove her thoughts like changing pictures on our computer desktop, not wearing the necklace I bought her which she wears everyday. I'm worried this lack of emotion in her will just push me further away from her heart. I have struggled for some time myself and I was being a bit of a mater but doing it for her and excusing her because of the depression. I feel a bit angry but will not attack her, I can easily forgive her a million times. It feels like when she sees me all she sees is the root of all her problems, she's lost sight of the man she loves and the man who has supported her etc. Her state at the moment is hair trigger anger. She does show remorse to our son when she yells but never any remorse to me other than when she said it's over..... still sad lost broke confised and lonely

I feel like lashing out but don't want to ruin it so I'm sitting here in misery 😕

[Appleblossom]

You are dealing with a great deal @WTFIGO.

It is natural to feel angry, and exhausted and confused about the future directions your life will take.

I appreciate your decision to both acknowledge and manage your anger.  The world is a better place for it.

[Former-Member]

Hello @WTFIGO

When do we give up - never? In regards to the relationship with your wife the best guide is your heart. Listen to it and follow.

I noted with interest that you have a son suffering autism. How bad is his condition? From what I have been told the stress of raising a child with such a disability is horrendous. And your wife may not be coping with it - hence why she improves when she goes out to work. And is leaving you with the nurturing of him. I think you may find this to be one of the reasons for her depression and escapism from the marriage - have either of you ever spoken about this? Do you receive any outside help?

Ofcourse this is not your son's fault. Some people have a greater capacity to love and cope if their childhoods were good. Perhaps your wife's wasn't? I can relate. If that is the case whether she admits it or not she needs you. The stress is what she may be escaping from. Is that fair on you - no. Do you have needs too - yes. Seek support for yourself, please look after you too. I think couples counselling may be an idea if she is willing.

It may not be the whole picture but for me from the information the above stressors may need a closer look at discussing. It's admirable how you are there for your son and the unconditional love you have for your family. It will pay off in the long run my friend - don't give up.

[WTFIGO]

Here's the big catch, I'm not the bio dad. There is no dad on the birth certificate, I am the only dad he has ever known and it was his choice to have me as daddy or not. There are absolutely no other father figures in his life. He is highly active awake at 4:30-5:00 am everyday regardless of what time he goes to bed. He also has sensory disorders and ADHD. The plan was for me to adopt him but now we aren't in a relationship that can't happen. She claims I will be daddy forever and that's it and I like to think she will stick to that.
I don't ever want to give up but the disconnected looks she gives me now are destroying me. I can't move out without a job and here I go back into the circle of problems. I have 2 places I could stay for free and unlimited however they are isolated and I'd be in the middle of nowhere alone sad etc with no mobile service and then I'd still have an hours drive after she gets home from work etc.
The more I'm talking the more I'm getting drawn 50/50 to just give up but the hopeless romantic in me says hang in there hud stranger things have happened

[pip]

Hey @WTFIGO. You have chosen (if I can be so bold) to accept the terms your wife has dictated. If you leave, she will go 'under', this will be your fault (her words), if you stay, miraculously (without assistance) she (may) recover. Now you are responsible for the son, therefore he is your responsibility (she has also removed herself from this). I'm not suggesting for one minute you simply 'give up'. However, you need professional guidance and help yourself or you will burn out. You are basically being led like a puppy and she is pulling the strings. Love does not mean one person has all the power and say. Perhaps you could try counseling for you, but I still feel you're going to have to get back the control she is taking and tell her you need to get a job. You will be there for her and the child, however, he is her responsibility too and she needs to be his mother. The depression needs professional treatment, you (sorry for this) are not a professional, you can suggest she seek help or you will withdraw your support. I'm not suggesting you give up, but you do need to let her know your limitations as regards to caring for her, your son and you. Let her know you will go to a Dr with her if she wants, but stop being her doormat. I get you still love her, but love can also mean asserting yourself so you stop being used and abused.

[Former-Member]

I agree with everything g @pip said. Bearing in mind the biggest victim here is your son (regardless if not biological he sees you as that). He is the most helpless one whose welfare is the priority. And your wife needs to be made aware of this and seek help if not for this reason alone. Appeal to her motherhood. She knows what it feels like to be let down - point out that is what she is doing to her son by her unwillingness to seek help and by running away from her parental responsibilities. 

[WTFIGO]

Ok so now everything you guys are saying I agree with. The first time I mentioned the "D" word she lost it and said " don't you dare throw that in my face!" She says it has nothing to do with this situation it's just that she doesn't love me anymore that's all. I can spin this both ways if I want to.
1. She just doesn't love me anymore, she sees me as the core of her problems and the grass is greener bla bla bla, I can't make her love me so I should just cop it on the chin and move on
2. She has sunk into depression over the last 18 months lying in bed all day everyday watching movies and eating and putting on weight ( the weight doesn't bother me at all but it compounds her sadness) Through this slump she sees what she is doing to me, and knows it's not fair, but rather than face the demons she had it'll be easier to add another failure to the pile she has under the rug and just lose me and not have to get any help. We bought our son a journal and the first entry in it is " mummy is yelling at me again" she doesn't see how bad that is. She has the biggest heart in the world when she's good but her bad times are fast overtaking the good. I actually convinced myself that it wasn't just me because of how short she is with everything , our son, the animals, even a Tupperware container she can't find the lid for.

When I say this I believe in my heart she is disconnected from her heart and soul and her conscious mind is in panic mode to keep all the sub conscious at bay, anything challenging her thoughts or emotions is being shunned and she is putting on a tough face and telling the world she is fine.

I told her I wanted to be the one constant in her life that will never give up or quit on her and she will always know I was the one who never let her down, this was when she was calling the separation and she cried a bit but since then cold detachment. She has told me she feels nothing for me at all, she also said that she can't afford to let her emotions in or she will lose her shit!

Man it's just a mess 😕