12-09-2019 09:31 AM
This is my first post as I am new to this site. Thank you so much for accepting me. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and understands my journey. It's not easy to be open but here goes.
i was diagnosed with depression 9 years ago. I have been in some very dark places and been institutionalised for 2 months straight. I thought I was getting better and trying to come off meds when my elderly parents health deteriorated and I needed to be there for them. This was 2 months ago. I'm still helping them now although I have cut back the time I'm spending there as they are improving and are managing quite well now.
the problem now and has been for those 2 months is that I don't drive and my husband is very annoyed that I have been getting an uber to their house and it is costing my husband money to do this. I don't work and he says his money is his as he earns it I don't. It's has cost about $25 a day. He tends to get annoyed and is unhappy with me a lot. He seems as though he is unappreciative of what I do do. I don't work so there for he thinks I have no right to any money. I do housework, cook, washing and ironing, whipper snip and mow the lawns, make his lunches for work, always have a cooked meal for him after work, doing the shopping, which I get an allowance for but he questions what I spend it on and if we need the food items or cleaning products. He has been quite nasty at times about my weight, although in the last 12 mths I have lost 30kg, but he keeps telling me to watch what I'm doing because I will put it back on. He always tells me what to do and gets nasty when I don't like him telling me what to do. I'm 56, I think I know what to do and how to cope in life without him telling me all the time to do this and that. He has said that he didn't marry into being the only person contributing to the family. I did work up until I had children and then they became my priority.
i feel like I'm a burden, unworthy of anything, don't deserve anything and a waste of space.i feel he would be better off without me, he always says that he is going to live on a farm when he gets enough money and I can go and visit him. I only try to be a good person but it's never good enough. I'm so down and upset I got 5 hrs sleep last night as I was crying and wondering how I could end my life. I really feel like I'm not important or needed in this world and everyone would be better off without me.
i did have issues with my dad a couple of times in the last couple of months where he was being nasty with me so I just feel like I'm better off not being here when I can't be who people want me to be and can't be what they want me to be and can't do what they want me to do. I have battled with self esteem for all of my life but I didn't expect that I would still be made to feel worthless at this age. I feel so unloved and so hurt and deflated.i find it so hard to live up to other people's expectations. My self esteem is at an all time low. I am getting by but just.
Am I wrong to be this way? Am I such a failure that I don't deserve to be here? Am I really a bad person? Am I not good enough or will I never be? My answer is yes to all these questions.
I am wrong I am a failure I am a bad person I am a burden I am pathetic I will never be good enough. Ever
12-09-2019 09:52 AM
I am so sorry to hear how horrible you are feeling. It is scary when such horrible feelings get you to the point where you contemplate ending your life. In this light, I just wanted to let you know that I have sent you a check-in email.
Please let us know if you are safe for now.
12-09-2019 05:50 PM
@Lani I felt so very sad reading your post. You do sound like a caring good person, who deserves to be treated with respect.
As for your husband saying you are not contributing, wow, you would cover more in your day I believe, than his day at WORK.
Maybe have a look around the forums and join in the conversations, you will find many of us struggling with many of the same issues you are facing.
12-09-2019 07:10 PM
Thank you Maggie. I don't feel like I'm doing enough no matter how much I do. I just feel like my life is so unbearable at the moment. I was cleaning the house today crying. I just can't seem to shake this low self esteem. It doesn't matter how much I try to distract this way of thinking it stays with me.
i will do as you said and read others stories to see if I can get some tips on how to deal with this.
thank you again.
12-09-2019 07:29 PM
@Lani Sometimes, with some people, your best is never good enough. It says more about them than us, but we find it hard to see value in ourselves.
If you type the @ you will see a dropdown with names you can tag. That way we know to respond. Look forward to seeing you around.
There are light threads, where we chat, craft threads where we share, if you are into that. Dog threads, you name it we have it. If you would like a tag somewhere, let me know.
12-09-2019 08:47 PM
I have trouble sleeping also @Lani Sorry tonight is particularly bad for you. Take care where you can. 💜💕
12-09-2019 08:53 PM
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