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  • Author : Lani
  • support : 3
  • Topic : Our stories
Casual Contributor

This is my first post as I am new to this site. Thank you so much for accepting me. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and understands my journey. It's not easy to be open but here goes.

i was diagnosed with depression 9 years ago. I have been in some very dark places and been institutionalised for 2 months straight. I thought I was getting better and trying to come off meds when my elderly parents health deteriorated and I needed to be there for them. This was 2 months ago. I'm still helping them now although I have cut back the time I'm spending there as they are improving and are managing quite well now.

the problem now and has been for those 2 months is that I don't drive and my husband is very annoyed that I have been getting an uber to their house and it is costing my husband money to do this. I don't work and he says his money is his as he earns it I don't. It's has cost about $25 a day. He tends to get annoyed and is unhappy with me a lot. He seems as though he is unappreciative of what I do do. I don't work so there for he thinks I have no right to any money. I do housework, cook, washing and ironing, whipper snip and mow the lawns, make his lunches for work, always have a cooked meal for him after work, doing the shopping, which I get an allowance for but he questions what I spend it on and if we need the food items or cleaning products. He has been quite nasty at times about my weight, although in the last 12 mths I have lost 30kg, but he keeps telling me to watch what I'm doing because I will put it back on. He always tells me what to do and gets nasty when I don't like him telling me what to do. I'm 56, I think I know what to do and how to cope in life without him telling me all the time to do this and that. He has said that he didn't marry into being the only person contributing to the family. I did work up until I had children and then they became my priority.

i feel like I'm a burden, unworthy of anything, don't deserve anything and a waste of space.i feel he would be better off without me, he always says that he is going to live on a farm when he gets enough money and I can go and visit him. I only try to be a good person but it's never good enough. I'm so down and upset I got 5 hrs sleep last night as I was crying and wondering how I could end my life. I really feel like I'm not important or needed in this world and everyone would be better off without me.

i did have issues with my dad a couple of times in the last couple of months where he was being nasty with me so I just feel like I'm better off not being here when I can't be who people want me to be and can't be what they want me to be and can't do what they want me to do. I have battled with self esteem for all of my life but I didn't expect that I would still be made to feel worthless at this age. I feel so unloved and so hurt and deflated.i find it so hard to live up to other people's expectations. My self esteem is at an all time low. I am getting by but just.

Am I wrong to be this way? Am I such a failure that I don't deserve to be here? Am I really a bad person? Am I not good enough or will I never be? My answer is yes to all these questions. 

I am wrong I am a failure I am a bad person I am a burden I am pathetic I will never be good enough. Ever

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