Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

I dont know if anyone is around at the moment but i am having a super super super hard time and i really dont know what to do anymore. I have tried the crisis team, my case manager, kids helpline, suicide call back service, headspace an lifeline and nothing is working i have tried all my distractions and i feel horrible meds arent helping therapy isnt helping being around people isnt helping and everything is falling appart i have lost all hope and i feel like it is just a matter of when i end things not if.... i have actually completely run out of options even hospital didnt help there is nothing and no one left and i dont think i can keep doing this long term. i dont even know if anyone will read this anyway i dont even know what i am asking.  

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919 

I am not sure if we have spoken before or not, my short term memory isn't great!

I don't have any answers for you, feel a bit the same way myself. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hear you and understand. 

Will be on for a bit longer if you want to chat or can just be. 

[utopia]

@Eden1919 - did something specific happen today?
You are sounding more distressed today than I normally see you.
I'm here if you would like to talk.

[utopia]

How are you doing tonight @Eden1919

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Eden1919,

It sounds like you are trying super super hard to get some help and yet nothing is really helping. That is such an awful space to be in. I know how scary it can be to run out of options. 

As @utopia said, has something specific happened to make things extra hard at the moment? What sort of support do you feel would be most helpful? 

[Eden1919]

Thanks @Former-Member and @utopia and @Phoenix_Rising it is not so much that something in particular happened I am just very aware now that I have nothing left my head my whole body my whole being is SCREAMING, crying, begging for it to all stop for my head to just be quiet for even a second but there is only more screaming day after day after day..... it hurts so much inside and I don't feel like I am human anymore I feel like I am rotting from the inside out festering away where no one can see it. Nothing has been fixed nothing can be fixed and I don't want to do this forever I can't do this forever I am at a constant war with myself and the thing in my head I am struggling with food I am struggling to do anything and yet I have this weird drive to put all my energy to destroying myself...... nothing seems to matter anymore and I love things I really do but I feel those things are better off without me. I can feel it calling though creeping up on me from behind whispering to me telling me to end it all nothing can or will stop it. It has been after me for years it is all coming back now all of it and I am so incredibly scared that if anyone finds out I am done for if they knew I couldn't live with the consequences I only have one option left to go with it into the darkness I can't take this and I am too scared of the so called helpers I can't I only have once option now it is just up to when.

[Former-Member]

hugs @Eden1919 - im so sorry things are so hard right now. Glad you are able to write it out here and let it out somehow and hoping that it helps a little tiny bit. I can relate to alot of what you are writing tonight and feel similarly lost though i know in different ways. i wish there was a magic wand we could use... keep reaching out and please call the helplines if things get too much or you're not feeling safe though. 😞 hugs

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member thanks the helplines have told me not to call them because I am too much work. It doesn't matter anyway I have decided I just need to pick a date. There is no other way anymore and I can't trust my mental health professionals anymore it is not safe nothing is safe.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eden1919,

Just wanted to let you know that I am moderating until 7am and I'm here if you need extra support or want to chat here or via email.

I'm concerned to read that you feel so low tonight and have strong suicidal thoughts. You have a heavy burden on your shoulders and I would encourage you to try and rest tonight. Nothing has to be done tonight, just you taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to unwind a bit and move away from your worrying thoughts?

kind regards,

Frog

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member I will try and sleep for now idk I just feel very hopeless and scared.