Lived Experience Forum

[Josie72]

Hi

So, basic back story. I’m 45, first diagnosed with Depression at 16 had several ‘episodes’ through life until the birth of my first child where I had the worst in 2002. They said PND but I say just depression postalally because I had what I think of as PND with my second child in 2004. That’s a whole different discussion though. 

Everything fell all apart after my second child and I had a series of ‘breakdowns’. Long journey later I eventually got diagnose BPD and did DBT in 2014. It totally saved me. Changed the way I handle the world. 

Problem is that my main support over those years where my mum & best friend. As time passed I coped with life better. I handled things better. My support sees me as ‘healed’ but I still go down. I go down to the same depths. I have the same thoughts. I’m not suicidal but the thoughts come & I have to use my tools to fight when they do. It takes time and I still need that support. I come out of it all quicker. I’ve tried communicating it but no one seems to be hearing me. 

My babies are now 14 & 16. They are growing. They are very independent. They have been my primary motivation to fight but as they grow into adults and pull away from me as they should. I’m finding the thoughts are ‘when the kids leave home I can let go then, I can end it then’ cause I don’t like “my” life. I’m lonely. I’ve always had drive & ambition but everything I’ve tried to reach what I dreamed of for myself has failed. I’m scared that if this is coming now and getting stronger how is it going to be in another 5 years when I’m really on my own. When the kids have left home & started their indecent lives. They love me. I know that. It would hurt them all if I ended it. But. A part of me has had enough of fighting. Had enough of being alone on a day to day basis. (I’ve been a single mum for 13 years)

How do I get mum & friend to see where I’m at without completely freaking them out. But then. In reality. While they have helped in different ways over the years I’ve always been on my own in life. 

I dont know. I’m scared. I’m scared of where I’m really at because I’ve become so good at hiding the truth from others. I’m now really good at hiding the truth from myself

[utopia]

Those are some tough negative thoughts going through your head @Josie72. Same thoughts I have.  My son is 16. I just have to get him through high school,  then I can give up.  Yes I think that way too some times.  And like you have been a single mum for 13 years.  It's not easy.  It's exhausting.  Add in MI & it's another ballgame completely. I hear you.

Sounds like you have done extremely well with your therapy and putting those skills into action.  Well done you.  That's hard work there. 

My mum and best friends are also my main support and they understand my depression and anxiety.  As much as anyone without personal experience of it,  can understand it.  That said,  after an 18 month long depressive episode,  I'm coming good.  Mum and bestie see my improvement.  But I do have to remind them,  that the depression is still there.  I'm just not so far down the well as I was a few months ago.  The negative self talk is still around.  Sometimes I can ignore it.  Sometimes I can quieten it.  Sometimes,  it gets the best of me and I start believing the talk. 

I think it's important that our support network understand that we still have MDD,  it hasn't been cured.  We are just in a slight remission or heading towards a remission. 

I think our loved ones see how far we fall sometimes,  that any improvement in us,  is a success sign for them.  And it is a success. 

Just be honest with them.  They've heard and seen worse. 

[frog]

Hi @Josie72

Another single mum of two here, also living with MI. It's really tough, though you sound like you are too. I've had those thoughts too: once the kids are self-sufficient, I can go. It's also possible to see it another way, which I do when I'm travelling ok: I'll always be mum, but the time will come when my own self-care is undisputed #1.

Re your mum and friend, would it be possible to tell them how valuable all their support in the past has been, and how far you've come? That would make it possible to see how much they mean to you, and how much work you've put in. It might be easier to say that you still need them in that context.

It is impossible to understand the sort of struggles you're going through without a similar experience, but sometimes people surprise you and can support you anyway.

I'm glad you found the forum - there are so many people here who just get it. It has been life changing for me to feel like I'm not alone.

Also, I'd like to echo everything that @utopia said.

You can be yourself here and find acceptance and support.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Josie72

I lived with deferred exit plans for a long time ... 20 years ... after this, then I do it etc 

Now kids are grown and I could have done it but went through a lot turning around the timing, and working hard to find reasons for me to be alive for me.  Not fully there, but they are my plans now.  I no longer do the after ... such and such ... I still get SI most weeks but it is what they call more passive than active ... it is still difficult ... but I no my death by suicide would plummet any who knew me into difficulties ... so .. trying to find a way for a gentle sunset on my terms ...

Yep single mum for 16 years ...

[Josie72]

@utopia, @frog & @Appleblossom. Thank you all. You really helped. Knowing others feel/felt the same. You also made me realise/remember that no matter what age they are. It’s would still hurt them. 

In a side convo with my youngest who is turning 14 tomorrow. He commented on him getting old now he’s 14. I laughted saying I was 45. To which he said “I love you mum, don’t ever die cause I’m always going to need you”. Like totally nothing to do with where my head has been at. But wow. What timing

[Appleblossom]

@Josie72 Your son sounds beautiful.

[utopia]

That's the message @Josie72.

Our children love us. ❤

[frog]

With you @Josie72 @utopia @Appleblossom