Lived Experience Forum

[wild_rose]

Things are tough at the moment, losing the function of my domimant arm isn't easy. Since the fall and and subsequent surgery I've been trying to do everything left handed and breaking my left elbow earlie this year and still not regaining full movement in it makes it even harder.

My partner has a friend coming later tonight, the place is still a mess despite efforts to clean. There is still a lot to do and I'm trying to do what I'm capable of and trying not to let him down as well as trying not to further damage myself.

Me and my partner have had a good few days but I can see that look in his eyes, that look that he doesn't believe I can change and like the girl he fell in love with is dead, and that soon I will revert back to the moody, clingy cow I once was, he even told me last night that I always end up reverting. I told himI wish I could reassure him that t wont happen but the only way I can prove it is with time and actions.

I am trying to remain positive, respect his space, be more loving and trying to get my head back into a good space, but right now I feel like I'm being held back by my shoulder injury, it's not easy because all I want to do is hide away under  the doona in a ball of tears and snot until my shoulder heals.

It's not fair, I know life never is, but all I want is a break, no injuries, no mental health woes, I just want to focus on healing my 10 year relationship, so we can have all the dreams we once talked about; marriage, kids our own home.

I still want all that. Sometimes I wonder if he wants all that with me still.

I have a psych appointment later on, I think this one is going to be intense. I've slowly been opening up but I know this session I have to open up even further.

It's also hard being told while I was in the facility that I may have been misdiagnosed. currently they are not sure if I have bipolar, BPD or neither. Apparently I fit the criteria for both but also at the same time I don't. it's confusing.

It may sound silly but I just want a diagnosis I want an answer I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to stop being misdiagnosed. how can they find the right treatment in even they don't know what's wrong with me. I'm hoping my appointment later will be able to shed a little more light. I will just have to see how things go.

[Rhye]

Hey there @wild_rose, my first instinct is that I want to offer you the space to take a big breath...it sounds like you've been going through a rough time with surgery and all that comes with losing mobility and use of your arm (is that right?). An injury requiring surgery is a significant additional load for anyone, but for those of us who struggle with mental health battles, it's a double whammy.

I'm glad to hear that you're able to access the support of your therapist today, though I hear that it might be a tough one for you. Are you able to do anything nice for yourself afterwards?

In terms of wanting a diagnosis, that is something I can definetly relate to. A few years back I would often get quite stuck in the not knowing – am I this, that, have they got it right/wrong? That worry in itself would send my mind into circles. I came to accept (with a time and work) that I was more than the symptoms or diagnosis, and I do understand that that's a priviledged position to be in as I sit on the other side of my recovery. I guess I just wanted you to know that things get better and your relationship to diagnosis can shift along the way. What might not make sense now is likely to in time, and until that time comes please be gentle with yourself. I hear in your post that you're really trying, and this is all we can ask of ourselves. 

[NatureLover]

Oh gosh, @wild_rose , it sounds like you're going through a lot...

Sending you wishes that things will improve soon...