Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

@Judi9877  I LOVE home made beanies! Perfect for the cold attic blast hitting Melbourne!

[hanami]

Good Morning @Judi9877 

What a cute beanie you knitted! I envy your skill and patience. Glad you had a day when you weren't bored. I love you imagining the beach and sand and waves! 

It's sunny and cold where I am and to add to it, the wind has picked up again. My husband loves it because it means there is snow on the down at the alps and he can go skiing soon! Me now so much. 

Have a lovely day, 

hanami 💮

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Judi9877 

I just wanted to say I love how expressive you are in your writing! For example when you described the household and neighbourhood sounds as calming I can really imagine that sound and it felt comforting in a way. 

When I read that you felt you sabotaged yourself when it comes to your studies I felt for you.  From my experience we can make the best of plans with the best of intentions but sometimes life events (for example, our own mental health) gets in the way and things don't go according to plan.  I think it is a credit to you that you keep pushing forward and work towards your goals in spite of the obstacles life throws.  I have a family member with BPD so I know how challenging that can be.

As for you knitting, I love the beanie and think it is so lovely of you to make them for charity.  I believe that @TuxedoCat is also a very keen knitter.  I'm not a particularly good knitter but I do love to draw (not that I do it very well) and I do find it helps calm my typically busy mind.

Hope you have a nice rest of the day/night @Judi9877.

Best wishes, 

FloatingFeather

[Judi9877]

Hi there to everyone visiting the jungle today. I hope you are well and thank you for dropping in to say hello and to check out the latest updates on what’s been happening to me. Thanks very much for the great comments as well as they’re very much appreciated! 

To be honest, I haven’t been travelling all that well and the jungle has been a scary place last night with me experiencing psychosis with me believing that certain people are out to get me and that they can hear my thoughts and are watching me. I called psych triage who put me back to the mental health worker I spoke to yesterday afternoon about a potential PARCS admission and they helped me a little with a few things and told me what to do. I feel that certain people want to hurt me and that I’m being watched and can’t shake these feelings. The only place I feel safe is in my bed under the covers with the blind down so no one can see in or see me or try and hurt me. I know this is my mind going crazy and my brain playing tricks on me but it feels so real it’s not funny. I’ve been able to start a new knitted blanket pattern in rows of 7 knit rows and 1 purl row so that’s been a good thing I guess but I’m still distracted at times by the psychosis things that are going on in my head and in the world around me.

I have an assessment later today for PARCS by the mental health team I dealt with yesterday which I’m stressed about as I don’t want to get a specific worker who I have issues with doing the assessment as they only make my mental health worse and not better. I’m trying to think that it will be good to go to PARCS for a short stay to work on the negative thoughts, the SI and SH stuff and maybe even the depression stuff as I feel like I’m in a depressed state right now but whether or not they take me is another question I don’t have the answer to. It will be my 3rd trip in 9 months there so that’s another issue to deal with plus the psychosis happening as well right now so I’m totally list and confused as to what will happen. I do think I need a meds review but again, who knows if that will happen and if they can even do that. I just feel so confused and mixed up and scared and everything in between right now which makes the jungle a scary place to be which it shouldn’t be but is. I’m trying to work on a new knitted blanket after finding a pattern last night that involves 170 stitches with 7 rows knit and 1 row purl to help distract  me. 

Time for me to go and hibernate for a while. Thanks for reading this entry.

Judi9877

[MDT]

hi J @Judi9877
sorry to hear you were struggling earlier on
Take care of yourself

[tyme]

Hi @Judi9877 ,

Im sorry to hear how tough things are for you.

I hope you will have a pleasant PARCs assessment where your voice is heard and your needs are met.

Im glad you have been able to find some space for knitting. And thank you for sharing your knitting projects with us.

Kindest,

tyme

[Judi9877]

Good evening @tyme @MDT @FloatingFeather @hanami @BPDSurvivor @Appleblossom and all forumites here tonight. Thanks very much for your kind words of concern over the past few hours- very much appreciated🥰!

Tonight in the jungle, things have been a lot calmer thanks to a decent and fair assessment by the local mental health team. Thanks to them, they are putting in a referral for PARCS and have agreed to look into the medication issues if PARCS can’t do that which will be via the local mental health team as they’ve agreed that 9 months on medication and not sleeping properly is long enough for the meds to work and try and do their job. I’m expecting a call tomorrow afternoon with the outcome of the potential PARCS admission if they’re willing to take me and depending on the wait list into the local facility. I’m not in the hospital admission category which is good but as my housemate said, that could change according to what the psychiatrist says if they do change my meds to something different as they have the final say as to if I can be treated in the community with the new meds, depending on what ones I get put on if any. 

What I am very grateful and thankful for is having started a new knitted blanket pattern last night as it’s been so good having something new to focus on and help distract me with the psychosis which has been on/off with more off later on tonight which is a good thing. The acrylic yarn I’m knitting is a colour called sun gold from Spotlight and although I have made 1 mistake in the pattern, it doesn’t really matter as it’s for charity and they won’t really make a fuss about the mistake if they notice it as they’re in desperate need of blankets so that’s what they’re getting. I’ve put my personal projects on hold to focus on this new blanket on 5mm needles and so far it’s helping me settle down and give me something to focus on which is the main thing. Knitting really has helped me and I’m so grateful that I have developed this skill after learning it from my mother as a child and it’s also keeping her memory alive in me and connecting me with her after she’s been gone 20 years at the end of the month. I still miss her and know she’d be proud of me knitting for charity and would possibly join in if she had been alive today. 

Time for me to go and return to my knitting!

Judi9877☺️🧶🌻

[Paperdaisy]

Thanks for checking in with us @Judi9877 The knitting is keeping you busy. How are you doing today? 💐

[Appleblossom]

@Judi9877 

Glad the assessment was decent, you felt heard and did not have to worry about that troublesome person.  Hope it unfolds well and there is a good outcome.  Love having you around the forum.  You have usually been a cheery presence, but it is also important to be able to share the whole of you.  I have been a people pleaser a lot and the forum has helped me show different sides of me.

Keep checking in ...

Apple

[Judi9877]

Good afternoon @Paperdaisy @Appleblossom @tyme @MDT @FloatingFeather @Shaz51 @Rhye @Daisydreamer @Sirius @TuxedoCat and everyone joining here today. Thanks for dropping by and checking in with me. Once again, it’s much appreciated🥰!

The good news is I’ve just had a call from the local PARCS facility and I’ll be going in for an admission on Tuesday on the proviso the PCR test that I have to have on Saturday at a testing facility is clear and comes back in time. It’s all part of the facilities requirements so I’m prepared to accept that if it means I get to go away and work on my mental health for a period of time which is usually a maximum of 2 weeks. I’m hoping they’ll also change my meds as they haven’t really been working in regards to sleep since I’ve been on them. I’ve had periods of voices and psychosis as well on the meds so that tells me that something isn’t working properly and hasn’t been for a while.

As for my knitting, I’m still working on my blanket and enjoying it so that’s a good thing. I’m nearly finished a ball of wool so that means it’s getting towards 20cm in length on 5mm knitting needles which is pretty good since I’ve been working on it since the psychosis started on Tuesday night. 

Okay. Time to go and do some more knitting and relaxing. Have a great afternoon!

Judi9877