Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Hey @MDT @Maggie 👋😁

[outlander]

@Zoe7 theres a lot of things in your post I didn't really consider or would have thought of otherwise.

I do think my upbringing has affected me alot. To me this is normal even though I know it isn't how most people are brought up.

I would like to move forward and I know some of the ways to do that like what you've mentioned with boundaries, and saying no and that sort of thing its more the putting it into action.
It is scary to try and change your life when this is all that's known. for as long as I can remember I have been the carer, mother-like roles or anything else similar. I guess its not so much that I want to stay in this mode its more that without the life ive always lived ''what is there'', and ''who am I? '' ''what do I do now'' Even through school I never really thought much about what I wanted to do when I left. I was already a carer then so I thought that is what I wanted to do. Outside of these roles as much as they affect me I struggle to see a 'me' under there. hope that makes sense....

I think you are right with my gp and nurse. Now that they know me pretty well and have been with me even before my attempt now its like I have to protect myself- even if theres nothing really to protect myself from.
Sometimes I think my brain goes back to the way it was before 'if I ignore it then its not there' and 'I just want to be normal'

My social development was definently impacted, not only through my upbringing at home but also through school as well, I was bullied alot and with no friends or no real friends I was a very easy target. having the job with the horses has helped abit with that and learning to communicate on a normal level though. still learning but better then I was before.

I think some of the inability to talk about current situations within the family like my roles is the fear that if I talk about it something bad might happen. theres always that fear in my mind that I might say the wrong thing and they go and tell like social services or something and make out that my mother is neglecting my sisters or something. that is really scary for me and I know that is one thing that really holds me back.

[outlander]

I was going to start an acat assessment for pop but im wondering if nows the right time. I know not much will change between now and the end of next month except itll be abit quieter. maybe I could start that change after the op and to start to move forward abit? it might help reduce my load abit even if it takes some time to sort things out with them....

[Zoe7]

I completely understand you thinking the current situations you are in are 'normal'. Without any scope of reference to base your life on in any other way you can only do what you know and are presented with in the here and now @outlander All the previous life events have been based around you being responsible for others and that has neglected yourself - so self-care, future goals or 'knowing yourself' have not been opportunites for you to consider or embrace. You have not grown up with positive social or familiar connections and much of our development in that area has been missing for you because of your responsibilities - that makes it super hard to think about now. We cannot know what we cannot know! Maybe this is a good place for you to start with your supports - I do know that one thing you are fearful of but also want is human connection. Unfortunately you have not had those posotive experiences growing up and they have not been part of your everyday development, nurturing or experience. The only way to move beyond that however is to begin at the beginning. You have previously joined a couple of groups but not found them to be the right fit for you - much of that is as much to do with you not knowing how to be in those groups as it is that interests were not shared. Finding somewhere where you belong is a major barrier on its own but you can also only find that by trying out new things, new groups, new people. You connect here with many - the next step is to find those same connections in the offline world. One of the major barriers here is you self-esteem - you need approval and recognition for the positive things you do but all around you is negative energy. We often take that as a given, as a normal course of events and our self-esteem is ruled by the negatives in our lives. You are more than what you do but you are also the only one that can find yourself - and that is where your supports come in - to help you find direction, to help you break out of the negative mindset, to help you erect those boundaries and to help you work out where you belong in this world.

As for your mother - that really is her issue. If anyone contacts any authorities because of what she does or does ot do in regards to your sisters then that is her burden to bear. I understand you feeling like you might say the wrong thing but wrong is sunjective - if it is the truth that you are living then it is not wrong. What is wrong is your mother expecting you to drop everything and look after your sisters and what you need to reconcile yourself with is that they are not your responsibility. To be perfectly blunt - your mother is neglecting her role as mother by palming so much of it off to you - you are not an employee and you are not their mother - and quite frankly you are letting her have a life of her choosing rather than you have one for yourself. That I know is a hard thing to get your head around when everything in you says protect your sisters but you also need to loosen the reigns for your own wellbeing. ...and the more you do for others, the more they expect until there is nothing left for you!

[outlander]

Thank you @Zoe7
there does seem to be some other starting points I could work on when I can get the care plan renewed again. For now I guess it would be about coping in the here and now and trying to take those baby steps in other ways like practicing saying no or putting some space between myself and my roles..

I don't have much self esteem, no, so it does make it hard. the 2 groups I did try to join. one of them closed down due to lack of interest and the other was an art group. I was looking forward to that but the group seemed really well established and they were all much older then me so it made it abit difficult to try and relate to their conversations about families, or their kids.
I do know that me keeping the reigns so tight even though its not really intentional is holding things back and its also giving my mother alot of the free reign. I have noticed that alot of people have come to rely on me but for their own good like pop, even siblings as well. Because I have alot of the protectiveness with my sisters its makes it really hard for me to say no. I do realise though that it is to much and ive taken alot on myself, so now I feel that I have to fill those expectations and if I don't then im the one failing not my mother or whoever was suppose to what they needed/wanted etc. I will try to loosen it, I know that it wont be easy but even here and there to start with is better then none at all right....

I was abit honest and abit blunt with family the other day. They were harping on about how I should've arranged for me to stay in the same room at the hotel etc. I said that I like my space and I find having to many people around to much. I also said that they can go and do things in that area without me. usually they don't do much without me. even though it was hard it feels like abit of that pressure was taken away. Kind of like handing them their own decisions-if they go out they go out, if they don't they don't but its up to them what they do but I wont be there.

I will try, I guess would be the main point here.

[outlander]

thank you @MDT @Maggie @Zoe7 for helping me see past the pdoc appointment today

[CheerBear]

Jumping in to send some hugs @outlander. I hope you're doing OK and being gentle on yourself. There's seems to be a lot of tough stuff coming out today.

It can be so scary and hard to change things. I see that you're working on change often and that you do want to move forward. You're trying all the time and you've made huge progress (even if it doesn't feel like it at times or isn't easy to see).

Mega love to you. It's tough, especially when you have so many things and people pulling at you and you're such a caring and giving person, but you're doing it ❤

[outlander]

Thank you @CheerBear 🦄🌈

[CheerBear]

The way you keep on keeping on @outlander is inspiring. I really hope for you there are moments you can appreciate that about yourself x

[Zoe7]

It may also be a good thing for your sisters to be able to make decisions and learn to stand on their own 2 feet as well @outlander If they have everything done for them - especially the older one - they will have no appreciation or understanding of how to deal with things when they do not go their way - they also need to build up some resilience and learn to deal with things themselves. Your role is as a sister to them not as a carer and the more you do for them and the more you fill their time without them being able to do that independently will inevitably put added pressure on you as they get older - and also may not let them know what it is like to face life without being given everything they want. 

It is good to hear you stepped up and gave your opinion and reasoning to your family about the separate rooms - that is a step forward. It is something you can work with your pdoc and psych about as well. 

I understand the groups were not a good fit but you also have not sought out anymore since - maybe that is something you can also work on with your supports. Your challenge is going to be how to relate to other people - especially those your age or around your age - as you have very different responsibilities than most ...maybe you could find a carer's support group to start with - somehere to begin even if participants are a little older - it would give you similar experiences and situations in common and build those outside connections. Maybe you could start a support group for yourself in your area - of people similar in age even where you can all share the ups and downs over coffee, a walk or even riding the horses. Something to think about anyway.