Lived Experience Forum

[INSIDEOUT]

Hi, I am a 51 year old mother/wife of 3 boys (21, 14, & 9) and a wonderful husband. Up until 3 weeks ago I thought I was the only one in the world with BP2 issues, or at least that’s how I thought. I’ve always felt odd! One minute happy J and excited “yahoo”, then down and tired. It became worse when my first beautiful boy was born and I had to be strong (I was a single mum at the time). I fought feelings, shocking dreams and tiredness. Eventually I went to the doctor who prescribed megadoses of anti-depressants for PND. This sort of helped keep me together, as did the alcohol! But only in the short term!

 My husband was my “knight in shining armour”, coming in and rescuing me, “picked me up out of the gutter” is his terminology. Life was good for a while, although I continued to drink. I was still on anti-Ds and had my ups and downs, but I was seeing a councillor which helped. Then the next boy was born, PND came on straight away, and I couldn’t seem to love this one at all. 6 months later I was diagnosed with a nasty skin cancer, which had to be cut from my face (I lost an eyebrow) and had radiation for 6 weeks. My husband took leave and looked after the boys and house; I got up to cook the meals and spent the rest of the time in bed. I tried to stay positive the whole time, put a smile on my face and soldiered on. A great facade! I no longer looked in the mirror and felt beautiful, lucky and blessed! Only anxious and depressed!

Not long after, we moved house to the country. A dream comes trueJ! I tried to pack up a house with 2 lively small boys, sell our house and organise most things while I husband worked and moved things up there. It wasn’t long after we moved in that I felt myself in desperate need of a break. Usually I would go to the beach and recharge when I was single, but with a family it was impossible. After a fight I finally cracked it and fled. I got in the car and drove. Had I got to the boarder I would have kept going regardless of the consequences. I ended up stoping at the border and staying the night in a motel, lying back watching TV and drinking a bottle of wine. I spent the day wondering the town in a daze, not talking to anyone then “finally went home to face the music”.

It was the next melt down 2 years ago which brought my problem to a head. After a night of heavy drinking with friends and crying over my life; then driving home the next morning with one of the kids in the car (well and truly over the limit), that my husband called up my parents for help with an intervention. It took 3 weeks to get an assessment from a physiatrist, Bi-polar 2. Great, what does that mean? The BP drugs and Anti-D helped clear my foggy brain and negative thoughts, and got me back on track and I gave up the alcohol, but I still don’t think I’m right.

4 weeks ago I had had enough! I had a complete breakdown. The thoughts whirling around in my head were I wasn’t good enough; I couldn’t do anything right; my family were better off without me; and I was sick and tired of washing, cooking and cleaning for everyone. I was also extremely depressed and aggressive towards anyone who challenged me, my behaviour or refused to do as they were told. I was tired, ate lots of lollies, junk food and chocolate to make myself feel better, and put on lots of weight. A confrontation with my husband over how I was affecting the kids with my behaviour, had me packing a bag, taking out $1000 from the credit card and flying as far away as possible. They were better off without me! I spent the next 4 days crying constantly and wandering another city. I took a bus to the coast and started to feel a little better. The fog was lifting and the noises in my head weren’t so bad. I walked on the beach and through the bush and started to feel sort of normal. It was then that I met and talked with a lovely happy English girl and I told her my story. She then shocked me by telling me she was Bi-polar too; but she looked and acted normal! UP TO THAT MOMENT I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH BP, AND THAT NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. We talked a lot that night and she made me realise that even though I had a MI, people would still love me and want to be there for me, including my family.

I am now at my parents place, getting help, looking for answers and trying to forgive myself for the pain and anguish I have inflicted on my husband and children. I don’t know how I am going to get over the guilt. ALL I KNOW IS I WANT TO GET BETTER! Any suggestions how?

[Hobbit]

Hi @INSIDEOUT ,

Welcome to the forums!! You will find many people here who are really supportive and caring. It's a wonderful little on-line community that we have here, and you can talk anonymously to many like-minded people, without fear of judgement.

You poor thing!! You have really been through a terrible time. I really fo feel for you. But what I would like to say is that very fact that you are reaching out to forums such as this is a realy strength in itself, and for that you should pat yourself on the back. 

I would like to focus on 2 specific posiive things you have said - how great is it that you met that English girl who is in the same position, and was able to basically show you that you are not alone?!? I think an important part for any recovery is to have a good positive network of people around you, and that's what you will find here. The other positive thing that you said was your last comment - ALL I KNOW IS I WANT TO GET BETTER! That shows you really want things to change for the better and are willing to make that happen. That's awesome, good on you!!

Perhaps some other member on these forums might be able to gve you some advice and support - @kristin @Alessandra1992 @kenny66 

Also, another new member posted just tonight about receiving a diagnosis of bipolarII just recently. I thought you might like to check that conversation out too. You can see it here.Thanks for sharing your story @INSIDEOUT  - you have friends here.

Hobbit.

[kristin]

Dear @INSIDEOUT 

A very warm welcome to the forums! You have been through the mill. Thanks so much for your open and courageous post. Good on you for joining the conversation and reaching out for help.

I'm also 51 with 3 kids (18,13 & 6), and a single mum with bipolar type 1. I'll keep my response short for now as it's late and I need my sleep or I get unwell.

I would say:

try to be kind to yourself, as you would to a good friend who is going through a hard time through no fault of their own

MIs don't arise from nothing, there are causes - often trauma - which we may or may not understand or even remember

the alcohol, food/sugar, and even running away/escaping are all various understandable ways (among many) to self-medicate the pain

you are definitely not alone, and you're in good company here

Finally my honest suggestion for your current predicament is that (if you really feel that way) you could stop feeling guitly for having messed up and instead face your kids and hubby, tell them you are sorry and you want to get better. Then show them by working on it.

It is not an easy road, but we are all on a journey here trying to find our own individual roads to whatever wellness means for us. I promise you will need help (probably including some sort of counselling/therapy), you will need to work hard, and sometimes you'll mess up. But it's worth it finding a sense of self and wholeness on that journey. You can even find what a gift you can be to others (even in the midst of stuffing up - because honesty itself is a gift). We will do our best to make you welcome, to encourage you (with honesty, not b/s) and hold a candle when you're in the dark. This is what we do for each other.

Take care of you.

Hope for forgiveness for our mistakes endures...

Kinest regards, 

Kristin

[peace]

Hi @INSIDEOUT I think you are doing your best to be stable and it sounds like you are really accepting your diagnosis. That's a big step. Medication is helpful however so is learning about yourself and working on yourself in any manner possible. Thru the years a tirade of negative behavior patterns emerge due to the effects of the MI. You can and will improve. I send my blessings to you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @INSIDEOUT welcome to the forums, I'm glad you are hear, people do get it here. I think with a diagnosis you are empowered by the information that comes with it. You can understand yourself in a gentler light and then start to proactively understand and monitor your symptoms, or be willing to accept the symptoms when someone else tells you you about them. Glad you are getting support and help.
LJ

[INSIDEOUT]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I am taking small steps each day and some times I walk backwards but the fact that I have finally acknowledged the illness and want to get help for my family and myself has been a big leap. i'm doing lots of reading about BP2 and starting to understand a little of what I need to do. Thanks for all the positive feedback it means alot to know there are others out there and I am not alone.

Fiona

[INSIDEOUT]

Thank you for you beautiful words. How do you do it? 3 kids and bipolar? how do the kids cope with it all? Fiona

[Tight-Control]

Hi insideout,

You are definately not alone. See if thgere are any support groups face to face ..I know this can be hard in small towns.

I went to a meeting last night a Consumer Advocay Group for Mneatl health..It was my first meeting with them. out of 10 people 4 of us had a diagnosis of BP 2 ..

I was surpirsie and relieved at the same time.

Some good news for you is you have been living with the illness for some time and now you know what it is and you are not alone and that a good functioning healthy life can be lived.

Think on all the great days you have had with your family and what made them great .Its difficult to get your head in the right place sometimes .( we tend to focus on the negative...no surprises there lol).

Think on the great days and what you did and how your family and friends reacted to you then,

I found this forum a couple of weeks back and have found it great.

Welcome to the club..   🙂

(PS becareful of interactions between medications even things like non steriodal antinflamatories I have recently learned the hard way)