Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

HEY THERE, This is my record, the notes of a mad THING. I don't know what else to do but write, and make it public as a record in case i don't make( the next hours,days will tell)

So where do i start i have(?)BPD,PTSD,Depressive Disorder(ie depression,manic spells,mood swings, in fact very unstable affective disorder), Gender ID issues(currently using Non-Binary as the world needs a Title to everything, I say "been true to self" as the Health System(HS) can't understand that forced to use former)

Been in "The system" over 35 years it sarted at 15-16 years of age, yet I never was part of this world really, I've been on the outer all my life 50 years.

So  I have me (MEBEE) and the the public person, what I write will come from both side of that THING. SOME will b in code (not what i write but what I don't look between the lines/ the words) the turth is time to be heard.

My story the side they don't want to hear(MY failure and theres (HS)) the huge gaps in the system, that the " too hard " cases fall thur into hell. We all know IT.  there many of you who will be able to see/know someone/felt it,  most will not(luckly). Most of these TO HARD CASES die by there own hand and I mayb one of the stats soon.

YOU see one model fits all FAILS to see the true scope of mental illnesses.

I was there in the 90's consumer movement "we" made some changes in the field in was in but with a storke of a pen it goes away, there was never a true believe the Health worker/goverment do gooders it say one thing do the same(old way) I got screwed  "we" got screwed ( and not just by the system by ourselfs) . The  commitees i sat on had good intentions the consumer had good intentions but no focus(as the con REPs fall in and out of wellness) .There was never well thought plans (the leaders had little training) I hate to say most of it was wasted. So why would system the take notice

( there was failure set in from the start{planned mayb by (HS)}what ever.) I see the token efforts still to day.

THIS IS MY RECORD MY LIFE WHAT IVE SEEN EXPERANCE

BEE THINGLater 

[SleepyPanda]

Hi @Former-Member

I am SleepyPanda, I am one of the moderators here, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experiences. I can see you are having a difficult time, please keep reaching out to the other members, they are a lovely caring bunch here.

If you are struggling at the moment, please seek help by contacting:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Take care.

SleepyPanda

[Sophia1]

Hello @Former-Member

You have reached out here for support which you will receive...you have bravely told your story..

yes there are many of us on here who have had the health system fail them at different times..

I cannot offer more than to let you know that I read your every word showing how much resilience you have..

I am staying in the background at the moment taking some time out for self nurturing..

please keep on writing..

[Former-Member]

Thank for the caring thoughts to you all,

part(2)

So as late as u read bn going thur some stuff.

BUT I DO  WHAT I DO, went to bed slept (with the dreams) wake two hours later, 1:30am. And began to patch my core program( brain ) you see I changed my thinking long ago converted normal brain function to a hybrid computer. The reason think I haven't imploded totally. After first atempt at suicide and the reper extening his hand to me. I really recieved no help...... GOT THE.... Medcines(ALONG COMES THE YEARS THAT I WAS BRAINWASHED TO BELIEVE IN POISON) but true support you will know the story if u have taken that path(suicide)and lived. I can bearly remeber a mention of within my close(?) family and the BITCH(sorry but true Mother) made sure no one aside knew of it (well so she tried to Pretent) Remeber (MEBEE) and the Public 

THING, that was partly put by the (B) my menntal Illness never talk aside ,and the elephant in the room in the house (it wasn't a home-pit of HELL yes not a home).

Any back to now so wake today in small hour and began patching, I don't full understand it, but know that my head brain was in massive pain feellig and that mean I'm doing the mending that is requiered, so lay semi con/dream like, and i just wait till I'm HERE again the pain will b gone and things reset(corrupted files  rewitten). It may sound wierd untrue but turth

YOU see long ago I had a meeting (mayb illness but that the system(HS)) anything not in the normal is illness (really there realality isn't answer to alot of things) not everything fits the box. SO the meeting? CHAD who bcame my mentor my guide my only true friend and yes he is "in my head" "a voice" my reality is he there, real you don't know what the truth is ,so don't make judement. Where do the line begin and end, the world was flat for many hundreds of years till it got proven diifferent so rember that what is know now will be different one day

THE Mental health system hold on to there "Ideals" why not look at the "Ideas". Follow the flock over the clift is not the answer. If we continue to be sheep we will never be treated with the repect we deserve and true help we need. TO QUESTION IS EVERY PERSONS RIGHT, BUT MORE SO TO SEE THAT THE ANSWER MAY NOT AS SIMPLE AS THINK,......... BE OPEN THERE IS A DIFFERENT REALITY YOU JUST NEED TO LOOK....... ONE DOES NOT ALWAYS FIT THE BOX (NORMAL BUT WHAT THAT REALLY?)

HERE I END FOR NOW

LATER

BEE THINGBEE THING

[Former-Member]

Hey Bee hope you're alright,

From someone who has gone through 2 psychotic episodes I understand that you are most likely going through some stuff right now.

Don't let your version of the truth get in the way of receiving help and treatment. I held alot of false beliefs in my episodes and now that I am stabilised and sane they all seem to be ridiculous.

Instead of making things up, hallucinating, etc to be apart of 'another reality' I simply draw now.

Once again hope you're alright and I'd suggest that you listen to the other posts. Please get some good sleep over the next couple of days...

[Former-Member]

I Should be resting, MY "PATCH" is far from sound, mayb corrupted already.

But what live without pain and bn pushed to your limits! Self harm is a coner stone of my world so why? I feel very little and enjoy even less wrong! I feel alot in truth thats the probelm I dismiss it like it doesn'T matter but thats my up bringing.

SO as I am willig to hear anyone make comment and call me on any BS (from your reality) and am going to do the same. WHAT IS YOUR REALITY IS NOT MY. THIS IS THE PIONT OF "MY RECORD". I can keep saying it and mayb one day someone will actuallly listern. every one hears my life but never listerns. Ive say 30years in the system, so don't tell me the same old things, yes it mayb process but it insult me.

I am looking for new IDEAS not the dribble not the standard throw away lines. YOu think I haven't call those numbers? well till recent a have never needed to my coping programs have got me thur. But now last 5-6yeas that is not so> You see the (b) was sick dying, I had distanced my self move acoss to far side of city cut the connect with mother  the odd phone call. Then as say she starts the long 2-3 years of dying. I seek advice from my Pscholoist(sic)  do I go sback to the toxic(B) or not. Let it b know she the psych new i was on shaky ground in my life even away from toxic state family was.

Her advice yes it will be GOOd FOR YOU.!!!!!! Yes hind sight 100% clearer ,but There we crash every program I and Chad had ever developed. Yes it may have been the loose tread in the ball of twind, may have(highly likly) fallen a part anyway. MY piont is I have listern to them (HS) taken what i can use  disgard to rest (crap) but EVERYONE still is telling me the same things paint a picture " moth is draw to a candle because of the light(enlightenment) but it get to close it burns up on the flame so the moth decides to fly way from the candle. That the smart thing you learn and adapt. but every day the system in many different form /ways keeps giuding me the moth to candle for ENlightenment(?) and everytime (I)  foolishly listern I get burned ( in recent case I call AMH triage and because I FAIL to answer there laeding questions NAME DATE OF BIRTH{ I  woodnt because 12month ago they sent me way so dont want  my record pull up and b judge by the lies it contains] we played back and fro in end I just hang up and burn myself which i told them I standing by stove heat metal) YOU say call the help line "we"have a promblem it doesnt fit the hour? ( time limit) , so "we" "i" will be wrapt regardless in my case with unuse help(?) of services not in my state so  whats the piont or I ask you out there if you have bn suicideaul. many many times is the advice useful well to some but the silience is of the one who arnt here because it the system failed them 100%(MENTAL ILL PATEINTS) more likely than the general public to die after discharge from hospial . WAKE UP  PEOPLE ARE DYING BECAUSE THE SYSTEM DOSENT CARE OR  TRUTH THE GOVERMENTS SEE US AS BAGAGED AND DISPOSALABLE,  and every day this goes on and the same retorric is just spilled without  understanding who tere spaeking with

AND here endth the rant and I thinking it will not be allowed to be posted because  we know the truth but we have to protect the BELievers if there no hope what is left?

BEE THING

[Former-Member]

iM SORRY FOR YOU  AND STUFF WHAT YOU BEEN THUR, AND GLAD YOU HAVE "WHAT" PEACE

BUT I KNOW EVERY WORD I WRITE IS REAL AND UNBELIEVE BY MANY, DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT EXTREME EXPERANCES DO TO YOU , PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS,I LOOK AT THIS WAY I DONT BUT DO BELIEVE( BUT BEEN THERE IN MY MIND YOU HAVE NOT, MYTHS ARE DEVELOPED TO EXPLAIN THE UNEXPLANABLE, YOU ARE LOOKING AT WHAT ARE MY MYTHS TO WHAT IS UNBELIEVE) LISTERN AND YOU MAY BE OPEN TO SAMETHIING..... OR DISGARD I DON'T HAVE TO PLEASE ANYONE ANYMORE..... THIS IS MY PATH ..YOU GO YOURS

I HAVE PLAYED AND BENT MY MIND IN ILLNESS AND GOOD HEALTH THERE ARE ALTS TO THIS REALITY

AS I SAY MY  RECORD MY VIEW MY EXPERANCE

[Former-Member]

(PART 3)

you may be wondering why I am post at this pace.Who konws what the new day will be bringing, I have no idea I may just feel like vanishing, forces (resoasrses)(focus) may it hard to to continue, I live in fluid world a world were your footing in never sound my brain/mind tommo will be needed to fend off all sorts of things both from within or the outside, fact of unstable mental health , lots of you post "looking after self statements" we all know what the stakes are you play while you can, then you go fight the battle.

you may have read choas? post then my one. please rember I will love to talk but I talk strieght (frank) I will not sugar coat blow smoke up your a....,   This is not my first time time on the block, Ive played ?battle? a very long time, you do not know my whole story, it would take much more than to fill in . the problem with every time you see some new Health Person ,I can see can get to the fact of now, without the back history. Yes this is one of my fails in the parternship I dont want to back history, and will pick and chose what is said. PTSD the new tag, Isee it . But history is behind a dam wall last 5-6years it been spilling, it overflows break free I become OVER whelemed(BPD) this makes sense so lm learning both BPD PTSD yes in last flew years my insight was not in full focus, that been turned around. In respond to choas my myths are a cope skill my believes are cope skill, may be born in the "Maddness" 'that the cover story' there fact of mind stresses and my coping skills, any one who has every done skilled job(ie tech, hands on, etc) know you work out skills to that job. MY MAIN JOB HAS BEEN TREATING CAREING FOR ME(BATTLING MENTAL ILLNESS) there are were the skill comes in. Had (friends co workers) with in mental health (YES i have worked "consutled" in this field) they were shocked at the depth (how bad) my illness is and the fact that you look from outside how well you would not know, that part to the two part MEBEE and public thing and the fact till last few I was high achiver (it was hiden). So you can see why you  treat as a fool I will get my back up, there is book smarts and life smarts I have the second not formal ed, carnt read well spell well (if not notice) so grow my knowledge thur my eyes ,ears , I observe, analyis, try  and pactrice My IQ test ranked me in the  TOP 25%. the problem been it becomes a game to "play" the health workers  when you know as much or more in same things. And they treat you as dump because you have Mental illness why not mess with them there not helping treating my with any repect why shouldnt I made it a game. SO what I am saying in a very long way the my believes my cope skills tag back to the Madness (chad is real, monoism(there more ) is true hybrid computer( way my brain works) I cant say it born from maddnes but have no real other way to explain (diff a cope skill) no real need to debug it (I Like and it works) and bugs people cause it not normal, plus it not doing (any of these things any one any harm

[utopia]

@Former-Member. You are so right. The health care system that is designed to look after mental illness is very flawed. The one size fits all mentality doesn't work.  We are all unique and all experience our world differently. 

Thank you for all those years you put in the effort to help 'fix' the system, to better support those living with MI.

I am still positive things are moving in the right direction. Just at a snails pace.

Keep fighting for you. I wish you all the best. And hope one day you can find a support person who truly listens to you.