Lived Experience Forum

[Adge]

Oh Hugs (((( @Former-Member ))))

Adge

[Eve7]

Dear @Former-Member , I totally get it as 3 Feb is my wedding anniversary and 5 Feb sister’s birthday.

My head is screwed up too 

Grief never goes away but we can still swim 🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️

[Adge]

Yes sad Anniversaries are really hard @Former-Member 

That would be so hard, putting flowers on your daughter's headstone.

I've seen my Dad's headstone, since his Funeral 5 years ago - I've not been back to Sydney, since then.

The way my closest relatives (family) treat me - I don't feel like going there at all.

No Bed, "You can sleep on the floor", "We cannot find a Mattress for you to sleep on", etc.

Every single time I've been back there, for the past 25 years.

Sorry, I digress - My Dad's Anniversary is on March 20th, 5 days after my Birthday.

So the whole week or so around my Birthday is now Grief time (or triggering).

I was never able to grieve my Dad's loss effectively - Every single one of my relatives refused to talk of Dad (& would not let me talk of him), as soon as he died.

Then the Grief Telephone Counselling service Patronised & ridiculed me so badly - That I never sought help from Grief Services ever again (& never phoned them again).

Unfortunately that left me with no expression for my Grief over Dad's Loss at all - because no-one, not a single soul would allow me to talk about Dad (to them).

Shame on Them.....

I grieve over my lost childhood (I never really had one) - No childhood innocence, fun & play.

It was all Trauma - Severe neglect & abuse.

Prolonged childhood trauma & SA is also something to grieve.

As I say, "I want a Re-Run of my Childhood & the past 30 to 40 years" - Not a Repeat obviously.

Just Normal Healthy Experiences, instead of what I had.

Thinking of you.

Adge

[Former-Member]

Hi @Adge - so much pain and loss in your life,vi feel it,even here in cyberspace.

Sorry your Birthday is a trigger re your dad's passing. Don't know how but ya gonna have to separate the two. He doesn't have to hurt you anymore 😢 Think about me, my B'day is late March🤗

I'm so sorry the Grief Telephone Counselling service Patronised & ridiculed you Adge. Thats disgusting. I find so many of the simply lack life experience and compassion. I rang beyond blue yesterday, he was 'nice' but yeah, didn't help.

Expression of grief with people who knew our departed is so therapeutic. I never really had that with my family, not getting it now, - sometimes I talk with my son about his sister but it's really gotta be over-the-top positive memories or its too sad. Some cultures have policy to never mention the name of a deceased person. Indigenous don't like images. Interesting topic for a thesis maybe, different ways we cope.

Grieving a lost childhood is an undercurrent pulling on us... a broken wing in life. There will be a reconing for those who hurt you Adge.
Yes! The SHAME is on THEM" Not you Adge.
One day I looked at a gorgeous photo of myself at 5yrs and my older self said "how could you do that to such a beautiful little girl?" Made me see differently.
It would be wonderful to have a "Re-Run of our childhood" WITHOUT TRAUMA, "Just Normal Healthy Experiences" which should have been Adge, but sadly life's not like that. (((((Hugzz))))) Sorry U lost your childhood. In my first breakdown psychologist told me "you have to learn to nurture yourself now" it always stuck with me. 🙏
Your family have been horrible to you Adge, that's not family, that's not family as God intended, you don't need that. All we gotta learn to do now is vacate them from our head and replace with happier things... You're doing that Adge, proud of you, so am I. We're not cavemen anymore, we won't die without them.
🙏

[Adge]

Yes I shall try to think "My Birthday", then " @Former-Member 's Birthday" in March.

Rather than the sadness of people gone.

Thanks.

Will try to write/ reply more to you later.

Adge

[Former-Member]

@Adge  @Eve7 

[Adge]

A Pity we're not Cavemen & Cave-Women Anymore @Former-Member 

I so need to get my Caveman Cudgel, & hit them with it....

Don't worry, I'm a very Gentle person, not prone to any violence - The co-worker who assaulted me was violent.

It is tempting though - Where is my Cudgel....

"Everyone grieves in their own way" (people said) - They read that statement in a Textbook somewhere, & said it to excuse those who would not let me talk about Dad.

It's supposed to be a statement of caring & acceptance - not used to stop someone from talking or grieving (instead they said it to patronize me).

Sorry, I don't want to be a downer - I'll get over it....

Adge

[Former-Member]

Yeah, clomp 'em on the head lol. I've imagined doing much worse to my abusers. Even had a 'hit list' end game mapped out in my head for years. Had to let it go. My anger scares me. Don't you feel angry? 

Don't worry, there WILL be a reckoning, their day is coming

National FORGIVENESS DAY tomorrow @Adge or is that today? Kinda makes me reflect on my offenders, letting go, somehow 😒 we gotta forgive, even Jesus mandates it.

Went out this Arvo, to tip Recycle shop to find a long mirror for wardrobe and something to put my plants on out back. Found them ✔️ but also grabbed an old narrow day-bed for $20, for the van, its  much stronger frame than what I built for  the car last year. Well, that's the plan / excuse for more stuff 😗 Hope to get back into travelling again soon ,Fear donit properly, while  i still can, afraid age is  gonna  beat me though, so much pain today, and left knee packing in.. Barely made it home today, fatigue as well. Might need to start iron supplements or something. Anyway, had to go straight to bed. 
TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT... Do you find Valentine's Day difficult? Does it classify as an 'Bad' aniversary? Reminds me of what I don't have. Kind of a loss but not trauma is maybe the best way to see it. Highlights being 'alone' too. Don't ya think?

[Adge]

Careful with that knee of yours @Former-Member 

Good job getting those things, & organising stuff.

My knees have been giving me trouble for years, ever since Bursitis in one knee - now my hips as well.

Putting stuff together is challenging for me - I spent several hours, just trying to put an office (wheelie) chair together (out of a box).

Nothing quite goes together, the way it shows in the Diagram.

Valentine's Day, yep - Focuses totally on couples "Being Romantic" with each other.

Cannot do that when you're single, so feel totally left out (disfranchised) - Want to be "Lovey Dovey Romantic", yet there's no-one to be "Lovey Dovey" with....

So much of societal attitudes & structures assumes that "everyone has a partner" (everyone is a Couple), which is Alienating in itself.

eg Motel Room/ Hotels you have to pay a "Single Supplement" - It costs you more $ to have a Bed/ Room on your own.

I'm totally in favour of Romance & Lovey Dovey (yes I'm a Softie) - It's just that society's assumptions & exclusions (for Single people) are wrong.

Adge

[Former-Member]

I dont do valentine's, usually get myself chockies but gotta stop eating them. No, we're not meant to be alone like you and I are (isolated), but the forum friendship helps a little don't you think? . We're not totally alone, and they're is millions of us all over the world, wonder how we can hug a tree and connect with the collective that way maybe.
. I'm a good gatherer (stuff) but end up with a backlog of projects here. Hopefully get something finished tomorrow. Looks like rain though (bones feel like it too).