Lived Experience Forum

[Tryingtocope]

I have never looked at being diagnosed for what I deal with every day, but Im sure their are elements of social anxiety, depression, disasociative disorder etc...
I'm at a point right now, where my low may well bring down all I have left... (job, home)
I have already lost my wife some 9 months ago which sent me into spiral of denial, depression, anger etc.. and as traumatic as that was and is for me, I have decided to smile through my days, even though Im screaming in pain inside most days..
its my kids which I see infrequently now that gives me the strength to pretend that everything is good with me but its getting hard to act fine as my mind tends to constantly worry about past interactions, social encounters and hypothetical situations.. I am now so nervous about speaking to people. eg. boss, collegues, family, that I have had panic attacks.. I have always experienced anxiety, but lately,,during extreme anxiety episodes my mind flashes through thoughts like a flick book which accelerates my breathing, and sends heat and throbing pulse to my head...
Anyway, I hope this makes sense..

[utopia]

Hi @Tryingtocope. Sounds like you have been coping on your own for a very long time. That must have been so hard.
What you described makes so much sense. The constant mind chatter. The quickening breath & heart rate. I've experienced them all.
I got help though. First I went to my gp. Got a referral to a psychologist, etc. I'm now coping so much better. I no longer put on a pretend smile. If I'm sad, I'm sad. Pretending doesn't help.
Have you spoken to a professional anout how you are feeling? I strongly recommend it. It sounds like you are at the point where you can't continue the way you have been going.
Talk to your gp and ask for a referral.
You have pretended long enough. Now might be the time to do something about it, so you no longer need to pretend. So you can start feeling happy & satisfied & joy & so much more - for real.
I wish you all the best

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Tryingtocope,

Welcome to sane forums, it sounds like you have been through an awful lot and "pretending everything is good" to everyone will likely lead to you feeling worse...

I am not sure if you know much about panic attacks but they get worse if left untreated as the list of what was originally triggering someone gets bigger because they are avoiding things, BUT there is very strong evidence that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an effective treatment. I think that Utopia is right it might be time to get some help/referral 

this website provides some good information - click here

then if that can be dealt with it may give you some breathing room and strenght to look at ways to manage the other dificulties? 

how has today been? there may be a period where you have to take it day by day..

can you tell us anymore about what brought you here? seeking support and understanding? and/or people that are in similar situations? hopefully we can help 

take care 

[Aspro]

Hi Trying, Loosing the wife and kids is tragic and combine this with trying to cope with mental torment is just overwhelming. Being a man, I understand that you can't just speak to your mate about this, if you have mates in the first place that would care or want to know. Firstly, you have come to the correct place and you should feel proud of yourself you have done so. It seems your life if so full of uncertainty with no direction leaving you lost as to what to do, where to go and how to go about doing that. Perhaps if you took out the uncertainty then you can form a plan of your choosing to turn this situation around. Bite the bullet, see your GP and ask for a referral to a Psychiatrist to get a diagnoses. This is the base line to establish, remembering the psychiatrist will be able to help you in all aspects of your life, either directly of advice. You can choose how many visits you have with the professional starting at, one.

I am no counselor, but I went through the same as you; being a blue collar worker, foreman my entire life depended on me holding it all together in front of all, including my wife and, not so much, my kids. After everything fell apart, a major motor vehicle accident being my catalyst I went through depths that I never knew could exist. Lost every friend and most of my siblings and wife. So much turmoil went on for a number of years but it wasn't until a couple of more years on I realized that the healing factor here was time. Time gave me the ability to think and rethink everything until all subjects were thought out, it gave me the ability to put a bit of fog around the sharp points of the delema, it gave me the ability to have input into my children when I saw them (massive opportunity for quality time). With time, my children grew up knowing and accepting more and more my physical and mental, "limited abilities" as I refuse to accept they are "disabilities". With time, your life will improve to how you want, only if you choose to get professional help, and it is a choice. I encourage to do it and keep in touch with this forum, Aspro. 😉

Content/trigger warning

[Tryingtocope]

Thank you all so very much..
It really is nice having a outlet to share my issues without judgment..
To be honest, I could never talk to friends at work or family regarding my issues, I think that's partly because of the stigma or ignorance associated with mental illness, and partly because so much of who I was and who I now pretend to be was built on confidence and I just can't burst that bubble... not yet.. I mean, if I can get help and finally find myself again then why share my termoil with those who would only judge and laugh? you know?
Anyway, The main advice I see is to take the first step forward and speak to a GP...
That's sounds like a plan...
So I scheduled it for this week..
I will keep you all updated..
Thank you and take care 👍