Lived Experience Forum

[Ali585]

How do you tell your family to give you space. I can't cope with their problems. 

Am I being selfish? I should be able to listen.

What's wrong with me?

I don't know what to do anymore. It's all too hard

[utopia]

@Ali585 - why should you be able to listen to their problems? Why should you have to?
You are living with MI (mental illness) - you have your own things to worry about. And maybe like me, you need as stress free life as you can have.
I've told my mum straight out - that I can't deal with her stuff - because my head is too busy dealing with my own stuff.
She was taken aback. I'm sure it hurt her a little. But it's better to be honest than pretend you can deal with it.
My mum still talks to me (everyday) - so no hard feelings for me saying my truth.
I hope you find the courage to speak up for what you can and cannot cope with.

[Sahara]

Hi @Ali585,

I've found it really hard coping with other people's issues, too. In fact, on many occasions I've become way too involved in other people's problems to the point where I couldn't enjoy my day because I spent all my time worrying about them!

I had to find a balance.

There is one particular friend who I rarely call anymore, because I don't want to listen to her problems any more. If she calls me, fine, I'll listen for a while, but I just don't call her. When I hang up the phone from talking to her, I have to consciously stop thinking about what she just told me and redirect all my attention back to my day and the things I want to do. It took some work to get to this point!

As @utopia said- if you are close to a person, you could just tell them that you are feeling overwhelmed and can't think clearly and tell them that you aren't going to be a good person to talk to right now. If they are close to you, they will understand.

If you aren't close to the person, then you really don't owe them an explanation. Just nod and look concerned and then don't offer them a solution, or engage with them. They will soon go looking for someone else to pile their troubles onto. 

@Ali585, I'll bet you have been a very sympathetic and reliable person in the past and that is why people come to you! 

I know that I used to actively encourage people to come to me with all their issues in the past- but I think I have made the change now and I am much more balanced in my approach. Their issues are their issues. If I can't see any evidence of them being able to help themselves, then I back off pretty quickly.

[Chris]

You are not being selfish at all. And i think alot of people struggle with this.  Myself included.

I had a melt down on christmas eve because three other people that live in the house with me were supose to help clean the house with me before the arival of interstate family arriving in the afternoon. What did they do. They all went out and left me to it. It was the straw that broke the camels back. When my husband came home i was so upset and told him straight. I always try to be there for every body else, but who is there for me when i need them? Nobody!

I take on all there problems to my own detriment. As a result i become stressed, overwhemed, and cant cope.

I find it really hard to say anything to them.The guilt sets in. And i hate conflict.

I find putting in boundries hard.

But i am starting to learn to look after myself a bit better. I am trying to do something for myself every day. Still very early days

Not much help to you really, except to say others struggle with this too.