Lived Experience Forum

[Parzival]

I cry almost everyday and I’m easily triggered by everything including colour, scent, feel, speech and sound. I don’t know how to navigate the outside world when I can’t even feel secure in my own home without feeling overwhelmed and like bursting into tears. If I read a word or am reminded of something from my past it brings up so much anxiety for me it’s unbearable. Why am I like this? Is anyone else this sensitive?

[tyme]

Hey @Parzival ,

You are not alone. You have a lot happening for you so it's understandable things are more sensitive.

Are you able to do something nice for yourself today?

[SmilingGecko]

Hello lovely @Parzival ❤️

I ended up getting triggering effects from visiting places to do with my childhood and seeing my old family home. I knew a Vietnam veteran who would find it hard walking up the road and smelling food cooking from nearby Vietnamese restaurants which reminded him of his tour of duty.

The subconscious is a vast repository of memory that can get easily activated just by the slightest of things. Its perfectly normal especially if you live with the burdening nature of a mental illness which affects our sense of psychological adjustment. I sense you have had a really hard life and all these things that you feel, sense and hear have bearing on your coping mechanisms.

Self compassion is a good thing. Don't for a minute compare yourself to others who seem to live a "normal" life. Self compassion is the key and imagining your future self as healed and whole. The mind is very powerful, so no matter how broken you feel now, your mind slowly but surely can conjure a life for you that sees you healed, happy and aligned.

Its what I have had to do for myself.

I have also seen cases of people with the worst upbringing requiring immense levels of intervention become outstanding paragons later on in life. Reading biographies can be a way to tap into this dormant power within yourself.

While it may seem a too distant possibility to imagine a better life I can almost guarantee things can get better no matter how painful and impossible your situation may now seem. Be the parent to yourself that you did not have, learn to care and comfort yourself in ways you have been denied.

Life can begin to slowly improve. Just learn to recognise that you are universally supported.

Petition the universe for answers to your problems. You have not been sidelined, left destitute or abandoned.

Just hold in your minds eye what you want attended to or healed and the universe will bring the answers to you as they did with me.

But I think for now just allowing yourself to be in a place of safety where you are not being triggered is a good idea. Carve out a place where you live and turn it into your sanctuary of peace and healing

Even if you can't do that just restrict your interactions with people so you have some control over how your mind will react. Learn ways to decompress and calm your heightened responses down.

Things that are known by you to bring you calm 

As you get older you will become less sensitized and stronger within yourself. Its a muscle that you got to learn to flex and that only comes through living a life of ups and downs.

You WILL get stronger

Say to yourself "I am getting stronger and stronger each day" until it becomes your reality

I believe you have it within you. 

But for now self soothe and take care of YOU!

[Parzival]

@tyme It’s especially bad lately. I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted and away from stress

[Parzival]

@SmilingGecko thank you for your thoughtful words. It’s been exhausting trying to bottle my emotions and not feel overwhelmed. I don’t have an outlet for how I feel and self soothing can only go so far you know? I’m not ready to make a change to my mindset because the triggers stem from insecurities that I haven’t conquered yet. Maybe if I survive, one day I will find comfort again

[StanD]

Hello sweet @Parzival 

I have read your post now & feel compelled to reply. 

You are simply not alone.

I love the replies from @tyme & especially @SmilingGecko . There are smart, kind people all over this forum. It never ceases to amaze me - the time, people take, to care. Maybe, give us the care we never had before.

I could identify with everything you wrote. My most moods fluctuate constantly. I was so extra anxious from the time I woke up until about 2pm. There was some gardening requirement motor noise & it triggered me further. I feel so silly that my body does this. I feel so not in control.

Finally, I calmed myself with help of meds & resting in bed.

Later a friend visited to drop off pet food. I was desperate, & could not face going to the shops. My 'friend' felt abrupt, uncompassionate to my fragile state, & I notice I felt uncared for. (Even tho he bought me the food ) 

Now - I am battling depression. There are chores that are non negotiable s, re: tending to pets - all I want to do is sleep. I have been wanting to do art, dishes, change cat litters since 9.30am. my body won't let me.

If I knew the answer, I would share it with you. 

I do notice small achievements - despite the unrelenting anxietys, I noticed I felt a sense of happiness today - previous week's I was full of hate. I think that is wonderful step forward. I can't rely on it lasting - however, today, I am happy for this tiny ray of hope. It makes me feel, as @SmilingGecko said, we can change, get stronger, it takes time.

I have endured days with no hope at all, even earlier, that was how I felt - I feel like it now too. What hope is there for me? Will I survive this? No one can really say - it is a terrifying prospect. I understand, when you started, ' if I survive this.'

Never in a million years, did I expect, that so much weird be askedl of me. I am stunned every day.

When I do finally get calm - I feel so on edge of &: scared - if when the next episode will start.

All I can really say is that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your body & mind are having perfectly normal responses to trauma, loss, grief, fear. 

The anxietys, & guilt & shame we feel, that is not Me - that is not You - someone else made you believe those things about your self. I think that's what SG was talking about when she said it takes time.

The real you - & me, - we never disappeared, we got lost, because - we are human. Not too sensitive. Sensitivity is a powerful blessing. 

The real identity is already there - the one that feels confident, fearless, functional!! It's underneath all this crap, - manipulations, insecurities, self doubt. I bet you already know the real you, I am taking about.

I think we have to wait. It is so freaking exhausting. And, like @tyme said - WHEN WE CAN- do a kind thing. Pleasure. 

Every tiny act of pleasure is like another brick in a foundation. If sleeping on couch & not doing dishes brings pleasure - then we must strive for this.

Personally - I have not fully grasped the concept of being my own parent & giving myself all the love, I was denied - continue to be denied. I think too, ITS PERFECTLY OK, TO BE SICK. 

The only person who matters right now, in this moment, is you - because you are the one suffering severely. You are allowed to do whatever makes you feel most calm.

I have the animi app for android. I use it intermittently, when I can - it helps me, because I get to choose the emotions, & I have words to describe my current state. It explains examples of what caused the feeling, & also provides personal needs when having this feeling.

There is option at the end to reflect more deeply. Or quit! 

I personally find it useful to identify my feelings. I was surprised, I can feel conflicting feelings at same time, too.

If you ever need person to share your devastation with - I believe, we are going through very similar , shocking, debilitating, 'healing ' (I don't like to write that, because it feels like the worst 'healing' ever - I think that is what it is.

I am here, as I can be. I think, I understand the isolation & hurt you are going through.

Your friend,

StanD

[Parzival]

@StanD I’m sorry you’re experiencing similar feelings, it’s truly debilitating to be in this position. I really appreciate yours, @tyme’s and @SmilingGecko’s words to help me feel seen whilst I’m feeling so isolated. Anxiety is glooming over me always, and makes me feel like my life is wasted battling my emotions. It’s easier to sit in the depression when I know I can’t overcome it.

I hope you find some strategies, self soothing and distraction are basically the only way for me to make it through another day

[SmilingGecko]

I know @Parzival it must be really difficult.

I don't like dispensing advice as people just want to be heard. But a way to get emotions out is to just write them on a piece of paper to get them out of your system.

I don't know if you have tried this but if something is all bottled up inside me having it down on paper enables me to bear witness to the thoughts. It can serve as a release valve so I dont feel overwhelmed by what is building up inside me. It gives you proper brain hygiene.

Back in the 1990's I wound up in a psychiatric hospital and asylum was the very thing I needed to stay stable. When they increased the numbers of minutes I was under observation I would walk in the gardens and go to other wards and chat with people. Laurundel was set on huge grounds and asylum for several months enabled me to gather my thoughts and find my feet again. 

I have tried recreating this over the years by walking in wide open gardens where there is no-one which is very good for the mind. I used to go to the Rhododendron gardens here in Melbourne or take a bee-line to the Botanic Gardens in the city. But I think you just need some form of asylum to settle your mind so you are not easily triggered.  They seem to push people in and out of psych wards very quickly these days. When I was younger they used to lock us up for months

Its been a long time since I have experienced troubling emotions so forgive me if I'm not right on point with my understanding or suggestions. I have been symptom free for over 10 years and my life is good now. 

I don't like the way the system has changed, maybe I'm too old and like the idea of safe places for people to go.

I also learnt all our thoughts and emotions are stored in our mental and emotional bodies and I have worked out ways to clear this myself so these energy sheaths are not chock full of toxic emotions and memory. 

Clearing them has enabled me to let go of A LOT of residual thoughts and feelings. I was pretty much walking around shell-shocked for years until I came into this information

[StanD]

 Hello @SmilingGecko I understand what you mean about giving advice and it was reassuring to read that you understand that people really simply want to be heard.

 I have always written down my thoughts, my writings were my only friend my entire life. I haven’t written for awhile, not like I used to. Your advice in quotation marks, has encouraged me and given me a sense of direction.

As silly as it sounds, it makes me feel safe well safer to think of building myself an asylum.

I do believe that our bodies and mind are one that memories live within ourselves with in our energy fields 

You have reminded me the importance of grounding simply laying on the grass I also am reminded of the extraordinary powers of the healing properties of being at the beach.  Thank you so much for your insights and for caring even though this post was not addressed to me I very much appreciate your wisdom.

Smiling gecko you have  A way of writing that is most healing I appreciate the term brain hygiene.

@Parzival Thankyou for your kindness & returning the same care to me. This was meant to be about supporting you , & your true self found compassion for me. It means a lot. Thankyou.

I can very much identify with this most extremely frustrating concept of a life being wasted.  I feel as though people like us with our sensitivities could offer so much to a world who has forgotten the value of kindness. The anger and frustration I feel, at being imprisoned with in my own trauma is exasperating.

 All I can do is believe in people like smiling gecko and believe that it Is possible to heal and that their story of being 10 years symptoms free is non-fiction.

I stand with you 

[StanD]

PS @Parzival @Yes, distraction & self soothing.

i think it is key to also have outlets.

Outlets enable negative energies (which we are drowning in - not our fault at all) to be focused and released and somehow transforms all that stagnant weight in a positive direction. 

Ithink maybe this this is why simple thing like writing can be so important.

i like poetry. I am learning guitar. I do art as often as I can. I have been for one! bike ride.

i think I want to do more martial arts training.

i think Chanel 31 has yoga around 3 or 4 pm.