Lived Experience Forum

[JB7601]

I’m new to this site and chat forums in general. This is the first time I have ever posted anything. I’m not even sure if this is right place to post something like this. I just felt like getting this off my chest and maybe someone can help me to think more clearly about this situation.

I hope you are all not too judgemental and harsh on me for what I am posting. God knows I’m judging and being harsh enough on myself.

I’m having a very difficult time atm.

I love my wife but not in the way a husband should and not in the way that she needs me too. I’ve been with her for over 20 years and we have been through so much together.

There is no intimacy in our lives whatsoever and it has been like this for many years and I have been longing for a deeper connection with someone. I have been trying to tell her how I feel about this for several years and I even wrote a letter and presented it to her so she could see my thoughts clearly. She skimmed the letter and crumpled it up and then threw it in the bin. This sounds selfish but she doesn’t understand how painful it has been for me to live the way we have.

I have lots of love for my wife but I am not physically attracted to her and have not been for many years. I have told her over and over that I was very lonely and craved intimacy but she didn’t understand. She can’t come anywhere close to satisfying my desires and has never really even tried. I never really recognised it as an issue until recently because I was very inexperienced when I met her and had only ever been with one other women before her. She does not put any effort into her appearance whosoever. I often have to ask her to brush her hair before we go out or to change her shirt.

I am also a very active person and am constantly engaged in physical activity and outdoors and hobbies. My wife on the other hand spends most of her spare time watching TV or just laying on the couch. I have felt like I do most things on my own for years.

Over the years it has completely turned me off to the point where I am the opposite of attracted to her. She also snores so loud that I can’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. I know this is not her fault and not deliberate but the years of laying awake to all hours of the morning and going to work so fatigued has built a resentment that I feel very guilt about. For years I only ever slept when I was so exhausted that I’d pretty much just pass out.

About 12 months ago I met someone and after a while we began having an affair. We made attempts to resist but the connection was very strong and we were drawn to each other. I have even tried to break it off twice now but we have ended up back together after only a short time on both occasions.

I am now deeply in love with her and we have become very close. We hid our affair from the world by meeting in motel rooms for serval months and private places often 3 to 4 times a week, but we just openly walk around in public now holding hands and showing affection and I often spend the night at her house by lying to my wife about where I am.  It is only a matter of time before we are seen by someone that knows my wife and I as we are both well known in the community. She is the exact opposite of my wife. I am extremely attracted to her and she is very beautiful and takes great pride in her appearance and health. She’s active and energetic and sassy and the intimacy that we share is beyond anything that I thought was possible. She does things for me that I have never had and I’m not necessarily referring  to in the bedroom. It’s simple thoughtful things she knows will make me happy. She even dresses to please me and I know how that sounds but I also know the she does it because it gives her joy to know that she is making me happy. I never thought I would ever be with someone who I would have such a deep connection with. I always thought that the intimacy issues with my wife were my fault because I wasn’t man enough to ignite any real passion in her, this made me feel terrible and I didn’t know otherwise. I can now wholeheartedly say that there is definitely no issues with my capability to ignite passion and satisfy a women…

In saying all this the thought of hurting my wife and loosing her is overwhelming me. The guilt is making me a nervous mess and I feel like I’m loosing my mind . I have to hide this from everyone and it’s becoming more and more difficult.

I don’t want to hurt my wife and I never went out to seek an affair it just happen. Meeting her was a purely random event. We met in Myers at the women’s fragrance section. I was buying my daughter a present and she was shopping for perfume. I asked her if she thought the perfume I selected was ok for a 16 yo and we just starting talking and laughing and ended going for coffee, the rest is history.

Now I don’t know what to do. My lies to my wife and family are becoming more complex and getting me deeper and deeper. The transactions in my accounts are also littered with things that my wife will recognise as suspect as soon as she sees them. I’ve even been hiding my bank statements. I can’t continue like this and I do know what has to be done but I’m so afraid of hurting my wife and family that I just can’t bring myself to doing it at the moment. I have worked tirelessly to give them a very comfortable and privileged life and I love them with every bit of my soul but I can’t live the rest of my life like I have been now fully understanding the extent of what has been missing. I also know that my wife does not deserve this and I think this is part of why I am finding so difficult to reveal the truth. 

I would rather not live than to continue the way it has been.

[Snowie]

Hi @JB7601 

Firstly welcome to the Sane forums, I hope you get the support that you deserve.

Well done on writing your first post. I know how hard that can be. You have shown so much courage in doing so. Please know that we are not here to judge. Your feelings are very valid and real and I can see how much it is affecting your life at the moment.

I am not going to say that I understand everything that you are going through, however I think everyone deserves a place to be able to express your thoughts/feelings without any judgment. I hope that the Sane forums give you that space.

I also think that we all deserve to live a life that makes us happy. Sometimes that means walking away from all we have known. No it won't be easy, yes it will hurt others, however sometimes we need to put our needs first. It sounds like you are at the stage where not being here would be better than continuing living the way you are. That sounds like alarm bells are going off. Being married myself for over 20 years, I can fully understand the dilemma you have about walking away from your marriage, especially when it is all you have known.

I am hoping that more members come on board and give you some advice. 

Please please feel free to post on here as much as you want/need. There is always someone around that will listen.

Looking forward to talking to you more.

[SkySeeker22]

@JB7601well done on making your first post. I know it can be quite daunting writing and posting for the first time.  I hope you get the support you need here on the forums.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time at the moment.  The situation with your wife sounds tricky to navigate.  It sounds like you value her and still love her, but you are just not getting what you need from the relationship and have found this with a new partner.

As @Snowie mentioned - its super important in life to do what makes you happy.  It sounds like your new partner is making you happy which is great, and you are feeling more comfortable in expressing this publicly.  I can imagine how hard it is for you to have to hide this from your wife, along with the bank statements, excuses for your absence at home etc, and it sounds like this is all adding to your distress.

You said that you once wrote a letter for her to read which wasn't very well received by your wife, is there another way that you may feel comfortable in getting what you need across to her and telling her about what is going on for you?  Perhaps if you wrote it out and recorded yourself reading it out loud, or read it to her in person?  You could explain the importance of her actually listening to what you have to say and how you would appreciate her listening until the end because you need her to actually hear you.

I'm concerned that you said you would rather not live than continue life the way it has been.  Please know that if these thoughts become overwhelming and you are not getting what you need on the forums, SANE has a team of mental health professionals that you can call and talk to on the phone (1800 187 263 10am - 8pm), and there are also other 24 hrs services available such as Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[JB7601]

Thanks mate, I appreciate your words of encouragement. It was not easy for me to share but in a small way it has helped me get it out and express my feelings. There is no one I can share this with, not even my new partner. 

[Snowie]

@JB7601 you are welcome to share as much as you want/need on here. The good thing about it is that there is always someone to listen.

We may not have the answers for you, but we can be there for you.

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @JB7601 

Im PinkFlamingo, a Peer Guide Volunteer here on the SANE Forums.

Welcome, and I would like to kindly echo @Snowie 's sentiment by saying there's no judgement here 🙂

I can see how difficult this entire situation is emotionally for you, and how this is leading to such conflict inside that finding a solution is paramount to your fundamental wellbeing.

Being in between two different worlds where one has a long history, with family, home, and life built on years together, but which is without connection, and the other where there is newness, connection, and where youre seeing potential, is very hard. 

Have you projected your mind into the future to see how these different scenarios will potentially end up? I was thinking of a variety of hypothetical scenarios: maybe if your wife was to gain help for her health, she may feel better within herself, and then things change between you and her? She sounds like she has at the least a breathing problem while sleeping, which significantly impacts on a person with real health implications - snoring so much is a danger sign for sleep disorders, which impact on mood, and many other aspects of a persons life and health.

Another scenario is discussing your current situation honestly with the person you are seeing, to see her feelings about things, to gauge if this impacts on her view of you, or the future... I was wondering if she sees the relationship the same way you do? 

This situation youre in isn't easy, and I hope there is some way you can get help to find the best path through.

I hope these couple of things to think about can support you to maybe see how different scenarios might look in the months and years into the future, and please know everything here is said with gentleness and compassion for your situation.

[Eve7]

Hello @JB7601 and welcome to the forum. I just want to agree with @PinkFlamingo and @Snowie and let you know that there are plenty of kind non judgemental folk on here who will do their best to support you when they can.

I don't have any great words of wisdom as I am widowed and very much out of the dating scene. It's a hard road when our marriages don't work out the way we thought they would but I can only wish you the best as you have some tough decisions to make.

[JB7601]

Thanks you all, it’s nice to know that I can unload a bit without being judged too harshly. I really appreciate it.. I know the way forward here and will step up to this soon but it’s going to be a very tough time. There’s a level of complexity thats hard to explain. I’ll do my best and hopefully minimise the impact to all. 

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @JB7601 🙂🌺

yeah - it’s not an easy place to be. 
Whatever you decide to do, I kindly suggest thinking through each scenario/decision to its multiple end points before making the decisions at each step in this whole situation 🙂

I also recommend reviewing the services and systems involved in big life changes, so they can help you make your decisions at the right times to minimise impacts on circumstances of everyone involved. 
All the best 🌺

[MayaBird07]

Thank you for posting.

I can relate a lot to your situation and I can understand the overwhelming feelings of anxiety, worry and panic. At the end of the day the became a catalyst for me to make a choice.

I found honesty to be the best policy at the end of the day, but I tried to be careful and considerate toward my husband when I decided to end it with him because I didn't want to hurt him. I had already hurt him by having an affair, I didn't want to rub it in his face. But breakups are difficult and emotions are high especially in situations like this, so there is really no easy way around it. 

If you decide you are going to stay, you've got to make the choice to be all in. I knew I couldn't do that. Mentally I had left my relationship years prior. 

I wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do and make sure you reach out to services available like Lifeline, if you are feeling panicky or having suicidal thoughts. I felt like there was no way out, but years down the track, I am glad I ended my marriage. I wasn't happy and I was hurting him by lying to him, even if I thought I was protecting him at the time. 

Things may not work out with your new relationship but that doesn't matter as long as you are taking care of yourself and your children. You cannot control how your wife is going to react. These situations are just really tough, no matter what you do.