Lived Experience Forum

[oceangirl]

Hi my sister @BlueBay 

Glad you have a supportive GP and specialist. We will be here to support you. You're enough and I care about you. Focus on your health and giving yourself the break you need. Thinking of you..

[BlueBay]

Hi @oceangirl @Owlunar @Snowie @MDT @Anastasia @Shaz51 and others following - 

Today i am feeling very very flat, no motivation to do anything.  I did do a small walk earlier this morning. I just finished having a shower, something that i haven't done for a few days.  which is horrible to say but my care for myself has gone out the door.  my hair is disgusting, so i washed it, but there's so much grey now because my hairdresser had to close up (lockdown) twice.  waiting now for her to open up again for a good haircut and colour.  

my psychologoist called me at 11am this morning, while i was in bed.  she mentioned that she could hear in my voice how down and flat i am.  i didn't really want to talk to her today, because of my mood.  but we came to an agreement that i am going to write 3 small things i would like to do eg. knitting in my diary and tick them off once done.

so i can tick off shower and lunch.  that's 2. 

she said if i don't start to do things i enjoy my mood will dramatically get worse.  she is writing to my GP today and will ask the organisation involved in my free session to approve another 10 sessions.

i have noticed now that i am not working how difficult it is to motivate yourself; to do things around the house. even to go for a walk, anything.  and also lockdown isn't helping at all.  

[CalmingNature]

It sounds like you're having a really difficult time right now @BlueBay. I'm sorry that you're feeling so flat and have no motivation.

I really like your psychologists idea of writing 3 small things you'd like to do, and its great that you've already been able to tick off two for the day!

Its great that you have your psychologist as a support during this difficult time and it's good that you have reached out on the forum, im sure more community members will jump in shortly and offer their support.

If you need, you can also book a call with one of the Peer Support Workers here at SANE by clicking here..

Take care, CalmingNature

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

I am so grateful that i have a fantastic, caring, genuine GP.  As well as now an amazing psych who listens to me and also a great psycholgoist.  A great team of support people.

And also am very grateful for my forum friends who are caring and very supportive.

Thanks @Owlunar  for your reply, i always look forward to your replies.  I don't know why, i think because i see you as a 'mother figure' and you have known me for quite a few years now. And also you understand BPD.

Yes, huff and puff will just have to settle with this situation at present.  I cannot go to work for at least a month.  It could be longer, i don't know.  And yes, it will take a while to get another job, as it is very hard competition out there. And i am sure that the young ones take preference over someone over 50.

yes, looking for work has and still is an addictive habit of mine.  I thought of what my psychiatrist told me a few weeks ago - when i look for a job, i see one i like and then instantly i negate it.  i talk myself out of applying in a flash.  then i get very angry with myself. - that is self sabotage, self harm.  i never realised until she pointed it out.

My mum never worked, she did work from the age of 14 to help her father support the other 9 younger siblings. When she got married she worked with my dad for a few years.  once she got pregnant that was it, she no longer worked.  although she did keep the house pretty clean and did the mowing every now and then.  dad worked very very early mornings and would be home late afternoon.  

yes, boys are helping out, which although i feel guilty (i know what you're going to say!!) i am very grateful and proud of my boys.

Lockdown is terrible, this time round i am noticing it harder than before, maybe because i am home.

I am taking one day at a time, i can't seem to think about tomorrow because as soon as i do i get terribly anxoius and worry.

yes, i am now not going to look for work.  i am trying very hard to break this habit.

@Owlunar  i think for me, the thought of suicide and self harm is a form of seeking help.  The wanting to run away or escape is not from my family but from the issues, the problems, the worries, the stress.  i feel its too scary to face it so that's what my head wants to do.  

but i guess i need to face it - but i am still scared.  the uncertainity of life at the moment is very scary.

thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me xxxxoooo

[MDT]

hey @BlueBay my friend
i hate to see you like this but i am empathetic to you as i have been there before

I'm having a super average day as well. We have that in common

Lockdown sucks. There's no other way around that. All my managers at work are over the top lol so that doesn't help.

There is indeed so much uncertainty out there in the world about so many things

Keep on keeping on my friend and keep on posting too 🙂

[BlueBay]

thanks @CalmingNature  i didn't know about booking a call with a peer support worker. 

I am struggling at home, even though i feel safe in my bed, but can't stay in bed all day.  Althought i really wanted to today.  i am lonely, i am scared, i am sad and angry.  Sad because i lost my job and miss chatting to others.  Angry because the reason why i was sacked. i did nothing wrong.  all i did was take 3 single sick days and i wasn't 'reliable' according to the boss, so i was sacked in my 3 month probation.  This incident has left me grieving, sad, etc etc and now scared to look for another job.  i actually have no confidence to even start this whole work process again.  

i can't deal with it. it's all too hard 😞

[CalmingNature]

@BlueBay I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time at the moment, it sounds like you've had a lot going on and I hear that you're quite overwhelmed at the moment. Do you have any other supports (in addition to your psychologist) that you would be able to reach out to?
You can definitely reach out and book a call with one of the peer support workers however, this isnt a crisis service so I would strongly recommend you reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) for some additional support at this time given how much you have going on at the moment.

Take care, CalmingNature 

[BlueBay]

thanks my friend @MDT  for understanding xxoo

[MDT]

I'm in a weird period of life atm @BlueBay
Lots going on and yet virtually no time to do any of it effectively. I am trying my best though

[Anastasia]

Hello @BlueBay  Thank you for keeping me in the loop. I love the three things idea. I say that to my boy each night. It does work, and it's a reminder for me to do it too so thank you. @MDT is right about lockdown really messes with our head. 

So it's onwards and upwards

Three things...

🙏💞💛💚