Something’s not right
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06-06-2017 10:55 AM
06-06-2017 10:55 AM
Enter the Darkness
Today is a dark day... my beloved partner has crashed and is again, suicidal. I have done what needs to be done, arranged the appointments, referrals, talked with him, hugged him, told him I love him... but why isn't this enough... why is what we have not enough? I'm so tired of being strong... I Hate his bipolar, I hate it more than I have ever hated anything... but I don't get a choice, I have to push through... I'm it, all the support we have... but today... I'm tired of being the strong one
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06-06-2017 01:21 PM
06-06-2017 01:21 PM
Re: Enter the Darkness
aww big hugs to you @Tiggeroo
i really hope things start to improve abit for you
its hard and i really feel for you
is there any other supports you cna contact to help you out? even respite care for your partner to have tht constant health professional and for you to ahve abreak as well
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06-06-2017 08:28 PM
06-06-2017 08:28 PM
Re: Enter the Darkness
Anxious. Helpless. Panicked. Desperate. Exposed. Ashamed. Regretful. Self-critical. Guilty. Misunderstood. Hurt. Rejected. Frustrated. Manipulated. Resentful. Envious. Discouraged. Pessimistic. Confused. Loving. Hating.
These are the disorienting emotions that can happen when our partners are suicidal.
Remaining strong is tiring but necessary for the ones we love. You have done what needs to be done Tigz, you have arranged appts, you know when to call 000, all you can do is ride the wave, hold onto hope sweetheart, hold to that tightly.
You might not feel that you can cry yet, but remember that tears make less the depth of grief, don't bottle those emotions, keep talking and let them out. We're here for you.
Tigz you are a beautiful person, you see your partner beyond his illness.
Reminder online and phone suicide support if you need it.
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/online-counselling
Phone 1300659467
Would you mind if I check in with you regularly?
Darcy
(These feelings are of an anonymous blogger who I identified with)
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07-06-2017 08:01 AM
07-06-2017 08:01 AM
Re: Enter the Darkness
I have amazing support from my family who would come in a heartbeat if I asked but they live in another state. But it's always them who come... so I reached out to his family yesterday... and got... well, not much.
I am hoping he will see that even a short stay at an inpatient facility might help ensure his meds are right (I don't think they are) and get him some more intensive therapy. I'll check in tonight and let you know how we got on.
xx
Tigz
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07-06-2017 08:10 AM
07-06-2017 08:10 AM
Re: Enter the Darkness
Big hugs to you. Its good to know you have family support though its a pity about them being in another state. That makes things a bit tricky but its good to know you do have support
Im happy to know your looking at some other options as well like inpatient treatment. Hopefully something can be worked out for you both
Thinking of you and know we are here supporting you as well 💕💕💕
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07-06-2017 08:49 AM
07-06-2017 08:49 AM
Re: Enter the Darkness
Hang in there sweetheart, you are probably running on adrenaline and feeling exhausted already. My family too are far more supportive than Mr Darcy's. Hope it goes OK today. If bipolar boy ends up in hospital try and get a little self care in, but in this situation I know it is almost impossible to relax.
If your gut feeling about meds is that they are not right make sure you are heard. Apart from the obvious, I found that when unwell Mr Darcy was not very good at telling the pdoc what was happening and so much if his history was missed. I ended up putting a chart together which demonstrated he was having mixed episodes and downhill movement when on inappropriate meds and no mood stabilizer.
Here is a short 15 min talk that gives headings that you can put your observations under which is really helpful. You might already be aware of these things, I was not and would tell pdoc that Mr Darcy was not doing so well, but this time have been documenting properly for next appt. Another carer on the forum recommended this.
https://youtu.be/NRO0-JXuFMY
Darcy
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07-06-2017 09:41 AM
07-06-2017 09:41 AM
Re: Enter the Darkness
xx
Tigz
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07-06-2017 05:08 PM
07-06-2017 05:08 PM
Re: Enter the Darkness
Been thinking about you lots and am hoping you went ok today.
Another thing we have found handy is a mood chart - might be something you want to check with his pdoc about if you don't already do one.
The mood chart helped us recently, it showed that Mr Darcy was going downhill and we were able to apply early intervention things deteriorated. I have to be mindful that he tends to mark himself higher than what he is (he has only had depression since doing the charts, has not really had full blown mania).
As Mr D had a major crisis and BPii was thought possible and he was having had a lot of med changes we started filling out a mood chart, As I don't like to draw attention to his disorder he just fills out the mood bit, I fill out all the med bits and tick them off daily as I do his meds anyhow (under order from doctors as he is high risk due to past history - we get meds weekly from chemist and I dispense). If I notice he hasn't added in his dots for a couple of days I leave it out in a prominent spot with a pen and he usually gets it done pretty quickly.
We use the mood chart pictured on this site http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-mood-chart.html but there are a few about - this site has a user guide http://bipolarmoodcharts.com/ if you want to check some that are available.
On a medical side - patients with asthma or diabetes are often asked to keep charts so I have normalised doing this To me his mental health is a bit like diabetes, it is one of the short straws in lifes medical lottery, but like diabetes, being responsible for managing it to maintain stability is important and that is something I try and drive home to Mr D.
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07-06-2017 07:06 PM
07-06-2017 07:06 PM
Re: Enter the Darkness
Quick message, keeping you in our thoughts, keep talking if you need to, you are not alone.
Darcy
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08-06-2017 04:15 PM
08-06-2017 04:15 PM