Lived Experience Forum

[Saf]

Hello im sorry this turned into a vent, ive suffered from depression anxiety for years now, im on meds and talked to psychologists but dont feel like ive gotten anywhere. I feel like my brains broken, im not good at talking outloud to them its like when im talking i do 1 of 3 things i either dont talk its not that i dont want to but it feels like im trapped behind a glass wall and im hitting the glass but no one can hear me or i pretend im normal but when im talking it feels like im slightly ajar like double vision but for my body i tell myself stop that but my mouth just does what it wants. Or i cry. Everyday i kind of look out my eyes and look at my hands and feel like i know this is a weird thought like theyr hands and im just brain controlling them. My whole body feels like theres electeicity running through it like ive touched one of them zappy toys but never let go, so im constantly hurting! I feel like different stages of my life were a different life that it was a different person. My sister is autistic and i can relate to her she told me the other day when she was watching me that im secretly autistic, i laughed at her. Im pretty sure im not, but i do try and hide all my weird quirks i was just too tired the other day to hide them. I have a terrible memory, i can remember some basic things but childhood? Teenage years? Even early 20s? Last week? Yesterday? Ive tried telling profesionals about how much my memory really affects me but they just dont listen and say its the depression. Im not suicidal i was in my teens but i remember one day told myself i never wanted anyone i love to feel the hurt/pain i was feeling, so id live with it so know one else have to, we only have one life once im gone im gone, then i went numb like i couldnt feel anything which helped (i was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship) i remember saying to myself never say im fine its always im good, always smile with your teeth etc. But im fighting my inner self everyday, everyword that comes out of my mouth is really thought about before coming out. I feel awkward. I havnt worked for 2 years now, i just stopped one day sitting in the car i couldnt move i was hystericaly crying, my head felt like static to a horror movie you know when they turn on a tv and theres static but images just flick on it with screaming, once i was able to move i walked myself straight into the drs office. He sent me to a pathologist but then told me the next time i seen him he didnt beleive in depression (yes ive found a new dr) and said i just needed the week off. I hate dreaming i can lucid dream i taught myself how to because every dream is a nightmare or real life, so i taught myself to rewind and change what i do to try and escape or if it was a real life dream to look for things to tell the difference between dreams and actual reality, it get real awkward if im talking to someone and theyr like 'that never happened'. Then one day i stopped dreaming my mind went quiet like i couldnt think a thought, i coulsnt imagine i loved art and drawing but i couldnt draw i drew like a kid in year 1. Everyine asked me why i dont do art anymore and i told them i just dont feel like it but truth is i my hand just doesnt know how to. Im a big introvert, my current partner who is very understanding has helped me alot, before i meet him i used to have panic attacks for just simple things like driving, mingling with people, talking on the phone. Anyways as i said i feel broken im tired im hurting. But i dont hate myself, i do feel useless i just dont know. I dont know anymore. Like i remember sometimes im not sure whata even real, i try and ground myself ask myself can i feel my teeth while im talking so i know im actually talking out allowed and not in my head, i did have a habit of just saying things in my head and not out allowed. Ok thats enough of my crazy for today, just maybe someone out there is experiencing the same and can say hey your not alone, i dont know im trying

[Historylover]

 Hello @Saf, I just wanted to say Hello and to let you know there are people here who feel your pain.  I only wish I knew how to help you - how to say something which would help.

It seems that you are overwhelmed by what you are experiencing and trying to understand yourself.  When you say that you feel like you are trapped behind a glass wall and hitting the glass but no-one can hear you - I am hearing you say "no-one understands me".  People have difficulty understanding what they have not experienced.  

I can only say - slow down, don't try to understand everything at once.  Break these complicated matters down into small pieces and deal with them one at a time - in your own time.  And learn to relax.

[Hope9]

I just wanted to drop in and say your not alone I constantly feel like I cant express myself out loud and am often really quiet and introverted because of this. I hate myself for not being able to express what im really feeling and thinking and often end up feeling very alone because I just cant really verbalise what im going through or verablise why I am the way I am.

[Maggie]

@Hope9 @Saf  Welcome to the forums.

I’m hearing you, and will get back when my head is in a better place. It’s good to have you here.

To tag anyone click the  @and the dropdown will show others who have responded. Just tap on a name, and it’s done.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Saf !

My apologies if it's a sensitive question but I also deal w memory issues as well as getting body pains sometimes - I also "zone out" when I'm stressed and go totally mute, like I actually can't speak or unclench my hands sometimes...it's a form of disassociating (for me) - not to focus on a diagnosis or anything but do you have any childhood trauma possibly because that's what those things are linked to in my experience and it's a totally "normal" response.

[Abouttolostjob]

Dear Constant pain. 
sorry to hear your story, when I first started to read it, I thought It was something I had wriiten. You are not alone. You are not alone and I know I'm not now. Warm wishes stay strong.