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09-01-2015 11:59 PM
09-01-2015 11:59 PM
21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
First post - Just a bit of a vent.... but also wondering if others have found useful support groups in WA for families of depressed people?
I am so weary of the cycle my husband goes through, from being reasonably okay on meds until some stress builds up, to diving into depressive moods and all that goes along with that to finally exploding all his despair and lack of optimism that anything will get better onto me. Tired of nothing changing, of him not taking steps to look after himself properly (sleep, exercise etc), of his self-absorbtion, of him them feeling better after his "explosion" while I feel emotionally wounded. Also tired of the kids having to see him like this, excusing his behaviour by saying "He can't help it" and thinking it's okay to be moody and angry. Latest explosion happened on our wedding anniversary.
Feel like something has to change - and if it isn't him, then it has to be me. Feel like I need some space to think clearly about what needs to happen for our family to move forward, don't know how to go about it with kids, work and other responsibilities....
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10-01-2015 09:03 PM
10-01-2015 09:03 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
Hi @MrsWho
Welcome to SANE Forums! 21 years of living with a depression sufferer sounds trying. I'm glad that you've posted on here to vent. Sometime writing down your feelings can be helpful.
I think @Alessandra1992 can point out some support groups. I understand that she attends GROW meetings. Also, @Dax_dog wrote a post tonight about some courses that ARAFMI.
You might also find this thread, 'Wives caring for husbands' started by @zipper helpful. In this thread @Tatsinda @lucky @cheersquad @MrsC talk about some of the challenges that they face with their husbands. I wonder if they are able to point out any service or support groups?
Again, welcome to Forums.
CB
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10-01-2015 09:56 PM
10-01-2015 09:56 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
Hi Mrs Who
Please vent away, I know how sometimes that's all you want to do and you want someone to be on your side. Well we are on here and we are on your side ...
Yep, it's rotten but you know what, you are doing a great job! Yes, it's not easy, it's tough, it is hard to be all things to all people, it's rotten to be where you are. But it is great you have come to these forums because you aren't alone and believe it or not, we have the same so&so husbands too!
One piece of advice is to be your own advocate. Seek out help for you and your family. Do what is best for YOU and your kids. Not necessarily your husband. If you cant physically go somewhere, search online or there are some facebook groups.
Also, is your husband under psych care? If so, either go with him or even maybe change doctors, and tell the doctor how it is (no sugar coating) and it is no good for anyone to go on living like this. Take charge, this is affecting YOUR life, and it needs to stop. Even a brief hospitalisation to get meds right might be in order. This gives everyone a break. If he is reluctant, get the doctor on side.
Sorry, if Im a bit upfront but I too am in your shoes, and I am sick of wives being expected to just carry the load
zz
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10-01-2015 10:26 PM
10-01-2015 10:26 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
What great advice zipper has given.
In addition to the above do you have your own counsellor or someone around you understands mental health to talk to. I find that friends and family are good to talk to people who really get it are useful. Re time to think I agree space is so important. Can you take some sick days from work and go away from your home environment. Even better have someone look after kids for a night. If your husband is OK ish maybe he should do it with a bit of help. (Not sure how old kids are) If not possible even just a day to yourself in a safe place that you can relax. Don't focus on all solutions just give yourself time. Ie read a magazine in a park. Have a coffee by yourself etc etc. ... 18mths ago I went away for 4 days to work out what I wanted. It made both my husband and I realize things were worth fighting for and he has been much better considering me and has really worked on his health.
Keep venting away and using forums we are here to help each other.
Cheersquad
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11-01-2015 12:56 AM
11-01-2015 12:56 AM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
And I will suggest we go to the Dr together as well. My husband hasn't ever been hospitalised (come close once) but this has gone on too long now and whether it's the disease on its own on whether he is partly using it as an excuse for bad behaviour and not making changes we need to move forward from this place.
Thank you, sister 😊
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11-01-2015 02:51 PM
11-01-2015 02:51 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
Hi Mrs Who
I can really understand where you are coming from! My husband drinks every night after work and also suffers from chronic anxiety and depression (untreated). He lives a lot of his life in his OWN world of work and outside issues : politics, current affairs etc. It can be LONELY unless we wives learn to stop relying on emotionally- unavailable husbands (such as mine!). I walk most days and have developed a strong support group through my involvement in Al-Anon Family Groups (which supports the families and friends of problem-drinkers). I have also been blessed with 10 beautiful grandchildren who I try to keep in regular contact with. I have tried to change my husband (NOT possible!) and explain how his neglectful behaviour affects me. He says he will TRY harder but it really doesn't make much difference! What I have found which seems to work is detaching from him (with courtesy and even love/compassion) and letting go of my expectations. So, we don't have the perfect marriage - but what is GOOD about it? There are many things you can do to improve your life! I have found just a small change of attitude can help i.e finding things that I can be grateful for, rather than focussinig on the negative aspects of my life. Some of my Al-Anon friends write a "Gratitude List" using the alphabet. Writing (as well as exercise) is a good way to "get it all out" if you are feeling frustrated!
Good luck Mrs Who! Keep in touch!
Lucky
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11-01-2015 08:30 PM
11-01-2015 08:30 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
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13-01-2015 11:13 AM
13-01-2015 11:13 AM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
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17-01-2015 09:50 PM
17-01-2015 09:50 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
Hi @cheersquad & @MrsWho
@lucky went and started a gratitude thread! Check it out & add to it here
🙂
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19-01-2015 08:01 PM
19-01-2015 08:01 PM
Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll
Hi @MrsWho , @cheersquad , @zipper & @lucky (again )
Just a quick note to let you know that tomorrow night (20th) we are running a Topic Tuesday session about Respite
If any of you have questions about how you can access or create your own respite OR want to share your tips and experience about taking respite, please join us.
It kicks off here at 7pm AEDT
Hope to see you there 🙂
Nik