Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

just some advice,never let anyone make you feel less than,never let what other people say or do to cause you to feel like giving up,self love self growth and self heal,its your own journey,take a step back in order to take a step forward look back to realise where youvve come from,be assertive,ask for help but also just learn about yourself and things around you in a way that I times can feel lonely but at the same time it heals and strengthens you for the fight,the fight in your mind about thoughts and depression and anxiety,just keep trying,never give up,if one thing doesnt work out just try something else keep learning keep growing,you can only control your behaviour and so if others are behaving wrongly its up to them to choose to change their own behaviour,its just up to you to focus on healing your own problems,worries and behaviour,sometimes its smarter to just be an observer of those around you as you focus on sorting through your own emotions and mess,something Ive learned at the momment is clarity and always the need for patience,I can only fix me not those around me,I can have my own boundaries ,I can say no,I can say yes I can go it alone,I can ask for help I guess latelty Ive been trying to use alot of emotional discretion like keeping my personal life worries to myself and then from that work through things in my mind first problem solving first,and then asking others for imput or advice,sometimes we need emotional independance in order to get to the root of our deepest problems and sometimes we need to be alone in order to do that but anyway,strangely enough Ive asked fellow online daters for advice on personal issues regarding dating because it weirldy feels safer talking to someone who doesnt know,Ive learnt some things this week despite a number of things happening at once,one person told me to gaurd my heart above all and thats true when it comes to romance,but in terms of family this past week Ive also needed to gaurd my mind from things like old wounds,lots of learning about myself,my root issues and the realisation that I confusing sex and love in romantic relationships,been watching some self help videos on the subject of how past child abuse affects people with things like intamacy,vulnrability and sexually,Ive had the advice of wait for people to prove their love to you before allowing yourself to fall for them,and really just having advice from people both strangers and family who have kept me keep myself accountable in regards to my emotional state and thinking about well being,Ive also been watching the terminater movies and that quote in the first movie struck a cord with me that the battle for the future is in the present and thats true the mental battle for the future is fought here in the present,besides that Ive shared what Ive learnt with others after first working things out myself then gathering advice,I finally learned some lessons as a result of all that and I guess where the root issues came from,one thing Ive told myself is that I cant let what happend to me in the past,that is the reason from the past to then become my excuse for not experiencing things with people and moving forward also thinking about it now The guy whom I slept with ,I partiaclly was telling him off based on my past trauma from the abusse I experienced as a child and the confusin in my mind now between what I want wether it be sex,or love,the past abuse has probly confused my mind in this area of physically being with someone and also that feeling of not having control over a situation,it confused me emotionally,now Im not saying that the abuse was love it wasnt it was pain and hurt,but I may have assiated that sex or love is suposed to somehow hurt or be pain rather than thinking of it as a form of healing which love and sex can be and i think is a form of healing for me if its done and happens in the right way for me and my boundaries and needs,no wonder I have had the same recurring issues and my brain sometimes feels very messed up

[Historylover]

A lot of clear thinking here @LostAngel  and it's admirable the time you have put into sorting out all of these matters for yourself and sharing your findings with others.

I'd add this - and all may disagree with me, but I'll say it none-the-less as I regard it the crux of so many problems.

My ex-psychiatrist taught me this - that SEX IS NOT 'FUN'!  It IS NOT A GAME!  It is an act of LOVE between two consenting adults - and I'd go further and say two MARRIED adults. It is not to be regarded lightly!  I regard it as one of the most valuable lessons he taught me.

There is probably no weapon which does greater psychological damage to another than sex - lightly regarded.  People get very badly injured by sex! Used, discarded then disregarded.

The promiscuity of today is just a phase.  It's not new.  It's just the phase of the current generation.  It is accompanied with de facto relationships, divorce and its damaged children, sexually transmitted diseases, a society in ruin etc.  The current state of our promiscuous society is just a passing phase.  It's not new.  It's not clever.  It's downright damaging!

In a previous generation - mine - 'every' bride was pregnant.  We thought we were smart, adult - doing as we pleased without realizing there are consequences to our actions which are not immediately obvious.  I do not know anyone in my generation who was pregnant at marriage who has not also been divorced at least once and made an absolute mess of their lives.

My grandmother's generation were SHAMED because of their shotgun weddings and they didn't think they were clever.  They were ashamed all their lives.  But not the men, from my findings, just the women.  The men were just doing 'what men do.'

Italians used to chaperone their children as they placed a high value on them and their reputation.  They were fully aware of the thoughts going on in the minds of young men.  I don't think it ludicrous - with hindsight I realize the wisdom of such practices.  They valued and protected their children - and young men don't get to try before they buy - because they usually decide not to buy but to continue trying others.

They never get to know the real person beyond their desire for sex.  All they want is a 'screw' so they can talk to their mates about it.

I was just thinking yesterday that there was a time not so long ago when young men gave women flowers.  Today they would prefer to set the scene by plying with alcohol to enable the expression of their 'manhood'.

I like to think that at some stage people will grow up and realize that the person they are screwing was once someone's precious little girl or boy and that they have a personality to express - that they have worth, feelings - they are not just 'private parts' for undesirables to access.

One of those young women will be someone's wife, mother - and her personality and future will be altered by the experience of her sexual conquest.  

It's not a game.

SEX AND LOVE ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

[rivergal]

@LostAngel @Historylover 

My thoughts are self acceptance, self love and self compassion may help guide towards healing. 💝 

Came across this quote:

"Loving yourself is healing the world" Jaymie Gerard. 

[saltandpepper]

@LostAngel Very reflective and sounds like you're piecing together some important connections from past to present. Not easy, so well done on pulling back the curtain. I hope the insight you've gained is the first of many steps forward to being able to enjoy a healthy sex life with your partner in the future.

This is not something I talk about a lot--or at all--but I can relate to your post. I was with my now ex for almost ten years and to be honest I still didn't manage to navigate that mess. It was and still is a hideous confusing mess, and it all goes back to that past trauma. My pleasure/pain receptors got all messed up as well, and that brings me no end of shame. I think I understand myself better and how what happened has affected me, so that's a plus, but it's not easy to navigate hey? My head is still a mess when it comes to this, maybe it always will be.

[BPDSurvivor]

Well put @LostAngel !

At @Historylover , I wish people knew what 'love' really means. Today, the word is used so lightly. If people really knew the sincerity and responsibility of using the work word 'love', I think it would be used a lot less. Just like what it means to take marriage vows.

[rivergal]

@LostAngel @BPDSurvivor @saltandpepper @Historylover 

I think many different kinds or types of love.💗💗💗