Lived Experience Forum

[Eggshellntiptoe]

I just joined and it is probably too little an effort and way too late.

my 48 years when looking back at the 48 it is entirely filled with shame and guilt (I dont even know why).

I have just about lost my partner and childs mother this time .

Wonderfull happy person who has been at the recieving end of my BPD symptoms for most part of 10 years

Some good times but I sytematically destroy these memories for her as well as her love when I snap into the dark side of BPD.

My last episode 5 days ago satified the dark side of my BPD but the good side of me is now sitting here looking at what I have put her through and the hurt I have caused. Nothing physical just uncontrolled rants and poison that spits from my mouth and it verbally destroys her.

She has her little faults. she is not perfect. she knows I have issues as well as I know I have issues. she has been understanding and as supportive as best she can but my Dark Side of my BPD has just extinguished that last spark she had.

it has taken 48 years of self suffering and confusion to finally pinpoint my problem. I have BPD and it has destroyed my family, my self confidence, my rationale, my life.

I have now recognised my BPD. just too late, my only support base is now gone.    

[Kurra]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe
This must be such a devestating time for you. I've been in your position with bipolar and have a good appreciation of how desolate you must be feeling.

Do you see a psychiatrist and psychologist for your BPD? If not, this is the time to make an appointment with your GP and talk about what's been happening. Ask for a mental health plan so you can get bulk billed appointments with a psychologist. Also ask for a referral to a psychiatrist.

When your dearly beloved knows that you're getting help it could make all the difference to your relationship. Of course I am assuming that you don't have this type of help at the moment.

If you already have professional assistance in place please contact them and ask for appointments asap. This is a time when you need as much support as possible.

I'm really pleased you joined the forums today. We're a very friendly mob and I'm sure you'll find being a part of the SANE forums very helpful. Welcome to our online family!

You might also benefit from contacting Mensline. I'm sorry but I don't have the contact information immediately available. Google will help.

Do take care and keep writing to us. Thinking of you. Hugzzz

[Former-Member]

Hello @Eggshellntiptoe,

And welcome to the Forums.

I encourage you to continue to connect in with the wealth of mutual support and empathy that can be found here through accessing this space.

I would like to highlight back to you the strength and considerable insight that must sit with you in acknowleding and accepting a diagnosis of BPD. The journey of Recovery is a unique and personal one; quite often liberated by an acknowledement and understanding of there being an issue to begin with.

You are not alone, and your journey to a place of healing can be supported by the contributors here at SANE Forums.

Warm regards,

Jumpinjojo 

[Former-Member]

hello @Eggshellntiptoe I don't know a great deal about bpd, I have met a few people who have been diagnosed with the condition. I have symptoms of 2 mental illnesses. I read your post and felt pain. you mentioned "just too late, my only support base is now gone" my thoughts are something inside you led you to reach out to us here at sane, you do have a support base now, a new one. keep talking to us. others will respond. you are not alone with this now. we are here holding your hand. stay safe

[Whim]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. I'm very glad you have joined this group, as they have provided me and so many others with support and kindness and understanding. Keep checking in.

Please remember that it is not your fault you have BPD. You spoke such vision based words about spitting poison in your rants, which I understood due to your ability to make an experience 3D through your words, and also that those same feeling/ways of being overtaking me at times.

The fact that you have reached out to SANE suggests to me that some part of yourself is a battler, willing to reach out. the annonymity of this site helps me do that, and I hope you too.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm moving through mud myself at the moment but REALLY wanted to say to you keep reaching out. Rind Samaritans, Mensline, anyone who you feel safe with, and discuss things. I agree with @Kurra about getting a therapist/psych etc on board if you don't have them already. You need a TEAM around you. We are a willing part of that. Please come back if you feel this site can offer you anything. We really are here for you.

Whim x

[Ellu]

Dear Eggshellntiptoe,

I have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years. Other contributers have given you the important advice that you should see a mental health professional. That is essential. You might consider medication - modern medication is quite sophisticated and has hardly any side-effects at all. I know I couldn't live without my medication. What I really want to say is stop looking backward and start looking forward! Sure you have had all sorts of difficulties in the past and you probably have many regrets (like me). Accept the fact that these things have happened, and make a resolution to look forward to the future. With the help of a health professional (and maybe medication) you can stabilize your condition and start looking forward to the rest of your life. A health professional will help talk you through your past experiences so that you can move forward and start to live.

Here is one thing I do. I plan one pleasant experience for myself every day. It might just be going down the street for a cup of coffee, or meeting a friend, or sitting and reading a book. Be kind to yourself. You are a valuable, unique human being and you deserve better than what is going on now. You have my support, and the support of all other people who are living with bi-polar disorder. You are not alone.

Ellu