Lived Experience Forum

[Whim]

Hello everyone,

Long time no chat. I've thought of you all often, and have tried to write a few times, but didn't get there, if you know what I mean. So..... Long story very short, because let's face it, a long ramble of mine is most likely boring and besides that I have no energy!

I stopped writing on here because I entered a very bad place. no, I was not, and have not, been hospitalised. Yes, I know I should be. My psychologist on Monday just gone sent me to the triage of a rural mental health area in the hospital after our session with a letter to get me seen by a psych nurse etc. This took so much courage for me to do. I was a blibbering mess. The next day I saw a Psychiatrist, who on top of an ant-dep that I take already at maximum dose, put me on an ant-psychotic. He's put me on a strong dose from the start. That night I was a mess and called their contact number and got through to a psych nurse. I was basically just wanting someone to tell me not to hurt myself, but this lead to her threatening (it felt) to call emergency services because I have a son and we were alone (he was sleeping). I was not going to end my life, but I did want to hurt myself, and there is a difference. To get to the point, I got off the phone so much more anxious, feeling cornered and trapped and scared that she would call 000 that I did hurt myself. I did this in a different way, again I am unsure I can say how, and it brought such peace. I saw another psych nurse the next day and was honest with her when she asked, mainly because I'm a terrible liar, but also because deep down I know this is surely not normal. However, I feel I'm now stuck in this sticky web of the mental health services that so far I have avoided, and I fear it. I have had a nurse call me every day, I see a nurse Monday and a different Psychiatrist Friday, and I just want to rewind time and not be 'on the radar' again, in a way, safer to be how I want, as I fear now I can't be. I appreciate I may not be making sense.

I have written because I know that I should reconnect with those that I can, in whatever form. Two friends know I'm depressed, but not that I've hurt myself. And now you. I'm trying to boost the mustard seed sized me that wants to get through this, but I am really struggling.

Someone once said that depression is like "a funeral in my head", I totally get that as I'm sure a lot of you do. I hope ou are okay and staying safe. Hold on to your mustard seed. thanks for your time.

Whim 

[Ellu]

Dear Whim,

You certainly have been through some terrible times lately. I do hope that things will improve for you.

There is no necesity to fear the mental health system. They can look after you in a way you can't look after yourself. They are all professionals wth a wealth of knowledge and expeience, and you can use that to help yourself get better.

I am 63 years old and have had Bi-polar disorder for 47 years. I see a psychiatrist, and I have been in hospital about 10times. I have had all there wonderful people looking after me so I have managed to lead a near-normal life with 4 children. Please accept the help you  are offered. You have nothing to fear from dealing with people who are experienced and on your side. Take the help when it is offered. Your life will be the better for it.   Ellu

[Former-Member]

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[CheerBear]

Hi @Whim. What you've gone through sounds really hard. I wanted to come past to say that I can recognise how much courage it would have taken to go to triage. I also wanted to share that I too understand how scary it can feel to feel tangled in the sticky web that can be mh services. While I know that sometimes they can be helpful, I know that sometimes they can be unhelpful too and I can very much understand the feeling of wanting to get off their radar. I too have felt threatened at times by the support that has been 'offered' to me. For me, while I am currently also entangled in a mess of confusing and sometimes scary services, sometimes the only thing I can do is trust those deep feelings that I have about certain things. You mentioned you experience feelings like this I think, and I hope that you are also able to trust those feeings of yours too. I genuinely believe that for most people, these feelings are right for them.

Good luck with it all Whim. Will be hoping it works well for you

[Kurra]

Hi @Whim

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. It's very difficult being in the mental health system with your background but it is possible to slowly ease your way out of it again although you will need a lot of patience.

Just ride along with the system for the moment and do everything you can to find a modicum of stability.

I'll pop in when I get home from work tonight and see how you're travelling. I'd better get on with my work for now. Hopefully today will be a slightly better one for you.

Luv n Hugzzz 💜💕💜

[Change123]

@Whim

Hope you are feeling better today, I totally understand about the MH system.  Apart from seeing my GP and in the past seeing pyschologists I havent really had anything to do with the MH system until last year when for the first time in my life (having BPD since a teenager and now I'm 50) I felt exactly like you terrified that I would do something to myself or someone else through frustration but no real desire to die just for all the pain to go away.  I went to the hospital ED and was treated so badly by a horrible MH nurse (who was my DBT teacher as well) that I got sent away in a total disassociative state I dont remember how I drove or got home.  I actually put in a complaint but now I have vowed to myself that no matter how ill I feel I wont go to the ED they just made things considerably worse for me.

Like @Kurra said just try to slowly ease your way out of it.

If you have a tendancy to SH not sure if you have BPD like me but some of the strategies they told us to do if you feel like self harming is like having a cold shower, or hold ice cubes in your hands until you cant take the burning feeling anymore.  I have tried these and they do help, one time I was freaking out inside myself  and bad rage at a shopping centre as I was going back to the car it poured down and I got saturated and freezing cold.  I noticed driving home that I was so cold and shivering that I stopped freaking out and raging - being cold and wet definitely helped vent that feeling.  Its not enjoyable as its not meant to but it can take the place of SH.

Take care 

[Whim]

Dear Ellu

Thanks for your reply. I did read it the next day but haven't felt able to come on to the site until now.

Thanks for your sharing, and your advice. I know that you are right. I went to my psych nurse apt today as planned and it was better than the last. They have altered my ant-dep dose due to extreme nausea. I'm working on taking the anti-psychotic. So far so good.

I hope you and yours are going well. gosh, 4 children! I can't imagine!

Whim 🙂

[Kurra]

Hi @Whim

How's your day been? Hopefully you're starting to feel more in control.
Thinking of you 💕💜💕

[Whim]

Hi @CheerBear

Thanks for your response. It's taken me a while to get back, even though I read your kind response the next day. I hope the tangle you feel you are in loosens it's tangledness to a level that is okay for you and still helpful and right, but as you say, deep down we know that sometimes the discomfort is necessary.... if I read you right.

I'm doing the one foot in front of the next thing. I saw the psych nurse again today and it went better. I see a different psychiatrist Friday. I have to call in Wednesday, and I will. I'm working with mental blocking techniques etc, which can help.

I hope you are okay, and thanks again for reaching out.

Whim 🙂

[Whim]

Hi @Former-Member

It's taken me a long time to reply. Firstly, and I mean this, Thank You for your response. It shows that you care. You took the time to sit down and respond to a stranger. I'm so sorry to hear that you had a bad night the same night I wrote. It's obvious that you, as many of us, have your rollercoaster with all shades of light and dark, and a history that cries out as it pulls the mental puppet strings, if you know what I mean.

I have struggled with two things. I don't know the rules of this forum, but I wonder about the power of suggesting to someone in a highly vulnerable state that they have a particular diagnosis such as BPD or as you put it CPTSD, which by the way I think is a very clever and insightful idea. Maybe it should be put to the board for the next DSM!.I have never said anything about BPD/CPTSD, and it has worried me about the power of words etc, especially when there is no professional background to, well, back it up. PLEASE don't think I'm having a go at you, I just am putting it out there as something to consider. For us all to consider.

The most bothersome thing to me, and to be honest, more than bothersome, was suggesting that 'it must be so terrifying for your kid living in such an unstable environment'. I suppose my Mother Lion came out. I feed, dress, work with, take to karate, do swimming lessons etc, the washing is done, and so are the dishes. He ate 3 veg and fish tonight. Yes, maybe my boy knows Mummy is 'flatter than normal' but I would never do anything to him, or hurt myself so that he would be in emotional or physical danger. I can put up a front for him. It's exhausting, but I do it. 

I really don't want you to take this badly. You had good intentions. I also know that my mind has possibly taken this to a place and skewed it beyond belief and you are totally puzzled by my response. 

I genuinely hope that you are travelling okay, hell, let's even say REALLY WELL! And a genuine thanks again for your intentions,

Whim 🙂