Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

I'm just not sure the life in front of me holds a lot of importance or significance really. I don't think it will ever be more than this, coping, managing, existing.

I know I've been in a better headspace before, but it feels like so long ago now. And it was so brief. It just gets so tiring being in this constant battle with my head. My memories. I wish the past really was in the past. But it's not. The past and the present blur together into this trauma infested nightmare. One doesn't exist without the other. There's no freedom from it, no putting it behind me, no future me without past me. It's just a constant struggle. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Nothing of importance ever gets achieved. There's no clear path, no definied goals, no way forward. Too damaged to create the future I wish I could have. Too consumed by the past to ever function properly in the present.

[Anastasia]

Sitting with you @saltandpepper hoping it helps a little 👀👂🙏

[saltandpepper]

It feels like I've spent my life just trying to catch up, chasing my own tail. I try but nothing ever really gets done. I never get anywhere. I don't have the capacity for it. Never have. And it's overwhelming to know things are always going to be this hard. That as much as I try and get ahead on my good days it's never enough. Everything is always so hard. Little things. Big things. Everything. I wish I was stronger and more capable. I wish I didn't constantly torture myself with everything. It doesn't help. But I can't stop. It's consuming. I just feel broken. Beyond repair. This is all I can ever be. Like I'm trying to swim against a current, yeah I'm swimming, I'm just not getting anywhere. And how long can I last before it pulls me under?

But I'm just thinking here. It's just the end of a shitty week I guess. Just makes me think.

[Anastasia]

Still with you @saltandpepper , still listening my dear special friend 🙏👂👀💞

[saltandpepper]

Thanks @Anastasia very grateful you're here

[Anastasia]

Not leaving your side @saltandpepper 🙏

[Anastasia]

@saltandpepper 

[The-red-centaur]

@saltandpepper we are here for you.

I know what it's like to have the past impact so much...I wish we could just forget and start again as if it never happened. The constant battle of fighting off those demons that claw at our mind and heart, that tear us apart each moment and we are barely managing to keep it all together. To keep put head above the surface.

I see you, I hear you. The real you despite what parts of the past break you. It's possible for those pieces to be restored somewhat. We won't ever be the same but a better different. A better us with the brokenness and the cracks will make us more beautiful people. Perfection is overrated. we went through hell to get where we are and on the other side we'll look back at how far we've come and know those cracks let our light out to people around us and give them light to get through they're darkness. The cracks make us beautiful. Maybe not what society defines as beautiful but beautiful souls...

[The-red-centaur]

Soz about that rant...I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense @saltandpepper big hugs. You got this!!!!

[Anastasia]

Yes @The-red-centaur !!!!

So good to see you 🙏

You should both print those beautiful words out from @The-red-centaur and have them in view to reflect upon @saltandpepper 

✔️🙌💪💞