Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pan]

Living with a person who I think has an eating disorder.

It is 2 am. I am not usually up at 2 am. But for the last week I have been down. A friend of mine died last Friday, and though we had drifted apart I still felt close to him,. We used to drink and drug together 30 years ago, when I used to drink. (I don’t D&D anymore; I am in AA) I feel a bit flat thinking about his life, and mine. I feel sad, and don’t want to dance, or play.

I have been playing a video game obsessively (probably 60 hours of Skyrim in the last week) AND I have just been rude to my partner who I think has an eating disorder.

My partner and I have been together just 2 years. I am 65 and she is 55.

When she came to bed tonight, she was making regurgitating noises, like she was swallowing down. I said something like “I cant sleep when I don’t know if you will throw up in bed! You have thrown up in bed once before! have you been eating? ” (BIG OOPS!!). I

n a huff I got out of bed put on the computer and typed in “my partner has eating disorder” and got the Eating Disorders Victoria.

I registered and now am making my first post. It is 2.15 am and then I plan to go back to bed. I have decided to stop playing Skyrim after the funeral. But I am allowing myself the self-indulgence. But I am also seeking support for myself in Al-Anon and AA face-to-face meetings.

I went to Al-Anon originally because I thought my partner might be an alcoholic. Now I think that she has an eating disorder.

My program is to detach from trying to manage or control her problems. They are hers and I can only love and support her without trying to fix her. I can’t do THAT on my own; that is why I am typing this.

I reacted intolerantly (not considerately) towards my partner. After I said what I said, my partner got up and left for her bungalow and I did not stop her. That was about an hour ago, I have been typing this for the last half hour.

Typing has helped me to decentralise, and see the bigger picture.

Should I go up to her place and apologise for being ride? …Yes I think so.

LATER. It is now 2.45, I stumbled up to her place and said I was sorry that I drove her away. The night was pitch black and silent (we live in the country) it was very peaceful. I am now going to bed. Tomorrow we may need to talk. Smile. It is 3.10 am. I don’t know if I really will post this or not.

[Mojo]

Hi Pan,

Thank you for sharing your story. The great thing about this forum is that you can log on anytime of the day or night. You said "Typing has helped me decentralise and see the big picture." A great strategy  if you are worried about something and can't sleep. Even if you don't post, writting things down can calm the mind and hopefully help you get back to sleep.

You are going through a tough time at the moment with the death of a friend and your concerns with your partner. I am pleased to hear that you are taking care of yourself. Self care during times of distress in your life is very important. Allowing yourself safe self indulgence practices and putting limits on them , as well as  seeking  support for yourself in Al-Anon and AA face-to-face meetings is fantastic.

I am sure you you will find this forum very welcoming, caring and supportive . Thanks again for your post.

Keep posting.

Mojo.

[pan]

Thank you for a response, i found it supportive that someone took the time to read my post and reply. writing things down in this way semms to me to be a good idea for clarifying what exactly i am troubled about.

i have two questions: does my partner really have and eating disorder?

and how important is it?

since posting i have spoken to two or three people in Recovery, who i think would understand.  i discover that eating disorders are (in one persons experience) a serious mental disease, and that for her it is centered in the mind, she  said she did not know she had a problem until a cousin said to her point blank "i think you have an eating disorder" which made her angry initially.

i am doing research and have made a tentative appointment with my partner to have a discussion about how we are going...not so good i think at the moment,...i guess the death of my friend has made me consider where i am in life as a whole,and wonder if it is where it is best for me and my close ones.

 in talking about eating disorders another friend whose partner has an eating disorder he said that when he had a talk with her about it, he stuck to how  his partners problem with eating was affecting him.  i think i will take a leaf out of his book and try to determinte just how the behavior of my partner is affecting   me.  

like when she has regurgitation whilst sleeping next to me it disturbs my sleep which is bad. but when she cooks large and elaborate meals for my family, it is good.

one female friend said that when she met my partner she was immediatly aware that there was a problem, but she guessed i knew about it, and now she is surprised that i am just now talking about it.

in some ways i am very aware that there is a problem for my partner, but until how it has not been a problem for me.  it is just with the death of my friend that i am emotionally wobbly, and am questioning my relationship and what the future holds.

so how can i tell if my partner has a really serious mental problem manifesting in some kind of eating disorder? is it certain or just probable?

and is it very  important, or am i making it upto be important because i am emotionally vulnerable? or am i emotionally vulnerable because things are not going well with my partner?

hmm....

[EDV]

Hi Pan,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time at the moment. It sounds as though there are a lot of different things going on for you. I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your friend.

It is great that you care so much about your partner and are concerned for her. It is important to keep the lines of communication open. I have attached a link to our webiste on tips on how to approach someone who you may be concerned about. It is called 'What should I say to someone with an eating disorder?'

http://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/search-result?searchword=what%20should%20i%20say&searchphrase=all

If you have any other questions or would like to chat, please do not hesitate to call EDV on 1300 550 236

Kind regards,

EDV

[pan]

i have read the information from the edv website and have had a conversation with my partner. i went to a support group for families of people with eating disorders.

i am assured that i am doing the right thing by informing myself, and having the conversations with her, and getting myself support.

i think that i am comfortable worrying about someone else who has a problem.  it takes the focus off me.  perhaps that is why i chose to be with this person.  yes, she is sexy, and can be fun. but she also has serious problems that i cannot fix.  and if i am honest i can see that my complaining about her problems,   causes a smugness in me  that is unattractive. 

in the absence of having a strong vocation for myself, i think i have taken it upon myself to have a relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable and with difficulties. 

i feel flat. i want my mother! i want escape from myself. i dont want to grow up!

waht i will do, however is to  do a spot of gardening and then take myself out ballroom dancing...i will keep you posted. 

[NikNik]

Hi @pan

You seem to have a lot of insight into yourself and your habits/behaviours.

Have you thought about seeing someone for yourself? In these forums we talk alot about looking after ourselves, as our wellbeing sometimes slips because all of our focus is on someone else. And yes.. sometimes we feel more comfortable focusing on someone else because then we have an excuse not to focus on ourselves.

In the end though, what we see in this community time & time again is that this usually catches up with us.
It's so important for you AND the person you care for, to look after your own wellbeing.

It sounds like you have questions about your own motivations behind being in this relationship. 

There are some great counsellors and psychologists out there who are there if you want to talk about some of the things you are going through.

How have things been lately for you?

[pan]

thanks nik nik, yes i see someone though the relationship is going through a separation the last few days.   i am taking it one day at a time. 

[NikNik]

Hi @pan - I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you have support though. Don't forget, this community is here if you need a place to vent and get support.
Nik

[pan]

thanks for support nik nik.  

at the moment my partner is at her mothers place.  she does not respond to my phone calls or texts or email.  last time we talked she said she is going through tests at hopital to check out her heart.  she has chest pains.  also she has changed her anti-depressant medication, and her moods have not stabilised....at least that is what i think she has said.

the weird thing is that i am feeling fine!  and then i wonder should i be grieving what looks like the end of our  relationship?  teh relationship is on hold, we are having a break from each other.   support people (like nik nik)  tell me that i should look after myself, and i am..i see a counsellor, i go to gym and pracitce deep  guided relaxation (yoga nidra....youtube.....very helpful)...and so i am not freaking out, but taking each day as it comes.  maybe there will be some big changes in the future, and maybe we will no longer see each other, or maybe we get back together on a new and better basis...or maybe something else unexpected will happen.....so many maybes....

but  just right now i am ok, and the world is what the world is.

[EDV]

Hi Pan,

I’m really sorry to hear about the issues that you are going though with your partner at the moment, but it sounds like you are using lots of recourses to manage the situation and that is great. Looking after yourself is really important and it sounds like you are engaging in lots of self-help activities that your find useful.

If in the future you would like some more support or someone to talk to about the situation with your partner, MensLine Australia provide phone support, information and referral services for men, specialising in family and relationship concerns. You could also try Relationships Australia which is a relationship support service for individuals, families and communities. 

It’s great to hear that you are looking after yourself and always remember that there are people here who can support you.

Kind Regards,

EDV