Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pan]

Last Friday i gave my partner a letter. it took about four drafts and i discussed it with my psychologist.  it took the form of "please forgive me...i forgive you...thankyou for .....i love you..."  basically i am asking her to leave my place and find a place of her own.  i have been getting support from people who wish me well, but i cant  fix my partners problems, and also she and i want different things.  it has been quite a journey to get to this point. 

She has not yet read the letter!

she says that she want s to write one to me before she reads it.  in the meantime she acting like she will remain at my place and at the same time live at her mothers and she has her own house with her husband. phew, it is confusing me to live in this limbo.

 She is going through tests at the hospital to find out why she has various symptoms (headaches, heart problems, extreme sensitiviy to smell, body pain.)   last monday she fell down at a dancing event, and hit her head. phew again.  i cant fix her problems, and i also am trying not to let my worry about her welfare ovetake my life.   but i feel like i am acting unkindly towards her. i want to sweep her up, and make her get better.  i think many of her problems are not physical as much as psychological.  

so i am writing this on the EDV site to get a bit of distance, and objectivitiy. 

[Sky]

Hi @pan,

Thank you for sharing your story with us because many people find it helpful by reading other's experience and knowing they're not alone.

You have taken a major step here and I'm glad to know you're getting help for yourself too. I can hear you're feeling relieved although still struggling a bit about feeling that way. 

Separation doesn't stop people from caring for each other and in fact, that may give people more energy and space (both physical and head) to do that in a way they're capable to.

Continue to look for resources and support, which you're also getting them from this Forum 

Take care,

Sky

[pan]

Content/trigger warning

went out to dinner tonight with partner to explain my letter.  i dont want her to live at my place, and that means i dont want her to sleep at my place,  and i dont want her to cook at my place and dont want her watching videos in the kitchen....i think she got the message, and i felt a bit of a "heel".  i still have feelings for her, but cant see either of us getting better by putting it off. i think she wants to have a relationship with me but still be free to see others and that does my heart no good.  i guess i want a more committed relationship.

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[Alessandra1992]

Hey @pan
Sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and sometimes it is hard to figure out what we really want. It seems to me, you are figuring out what you need for your own wellbeing is a stable loving committed relationship..maybe your partner may not be able to be that with you just now.. Please don't feel like a heel, I think you are being honest and that is important in any relationship..

[pan]

thanks Sandy for your reply.  i have been able to think through what is happening to me and my partner in part because i have been reflecting in this series of posts.  the fact that others have replied is heartening and helps.  the action of articulating my thoughts in this forum is positive, and away from blaming the other or self lacerating.  we are all trying to live as best we can, and thinking of how it is best to live and love each other.  

i have been  confronting various dishonesties in myself. i wrote that i felt like a "heel"  and having written this i was then able to write another email to my partner, on a much more positive note, it was a letter of appreciation.  

i see how i have been writing my way through this breakup.  and i find it very helpful.  

[Linmerc]

I agree. Sometimes you just need the space to heal and move forward. Staying together in a toxic relationship is unhealthy for both parties. Everyone needs to stay true to themselves and being honest with yourself is the first step to happiness.

Stay strong.

[pan]

sadness or self-pity

it as about a month since i asked my partner to move out of living with me and find a place on her own. i feel sad. and lonely. we would spend a lot of time together and now we dont. i do not go to ballroom dancing or badminton, which was activities we enjoyed together.  i go to gym and alcoholics anonymous.  that is my principle means i have been using not to fall into self-pity. ( plus the occcasional psychologist appointment)

i dont think our relationship was toxic as such.  we just wanted different things, and i guess i was trying to find a disorder that my partner had....."eating disorder"...."depression"...."alcoholic"...."her "dysfunctional" family.  but now i think that she wanted freedom and an open loose relationship and i wanted committment and planning for the future. well no one wants the same things at the same time in any relationship, and in our case i felt that it was not going to work out. that has consequences.

it is about feelings. sadness or self-pity, that is the distinction i am having to make. and not always successfully.

i think that if i did not feel sad then something would be wrong, and so it is ok.  Self-pity  however seems to be how i react to the sadness.  i start to link it with other older stories of loss, and i make myself feel worse over those other memories. i ruminate upon regret and guilt.  this is just one step away from negative thinking and then hating myself, and that is bad. (and unrealistic)

so i am writing this as a way of stepping back ,of supporting myself, and telling myself what i know to be true.  feelings are just feelings and they change. i tell myself this, and it kind of helps. i will not remain like this. if it lasts for two months that is ok, because we were together for a few years. so i tell myself that after July i will start to step out again, go dancing, get a haircut, smile. ( actually i smile a lot now, even though i am sad, it is like sadness is also something to smile with, whereas self-pily is all woe is me, and and the world!)

thanks again for enabling a forum for these posts. i has helped.

pan

[NikNik]

Hi @pan

You show amazing insight into what's going on for you and how you can best manage the situation.

Grieving is a very common process to go through when a relationship ends - and all the other yuk feelings and thoughts that go along with that.

You seem to have it all in perspective though - you seem to know this is normal - you have been together for a few years and it would be unusual if you weren't feeling a sense of sadness.

I think it's great that you have a rough plan and timeline to get back into the swing of things.

I'm really glad you posted your thoughts and what you're going through - not only is it helpful to you, but to others who are going through similar things.