Lived Experience Forum

[Woman30]

I need an advice about my husband. We been living together now for almost 6 year's . And almost every decision is made by him. Even our son , I felt like he doesn't have a respect for me. He is now in a kindy.
I don't want him to grow that no respect at me. what action the best for me to do.??

[Woman30]

Every time we have a fight I always think to leave him but I always think about my son.

[Zoe7]

Hi @Woman30 

Firstly welcome to the forum. You will find this is a safe and supportive environment where members care for each other and share their own experiences across a range of issues.

Your situation is a difficult one to be in but you are not alone. Many women (and men) are in a relationship where they feel powerless under many circukmstances. The priority for you must be your own well-being. By looking after your needs (and mental health) you are more capable of then looking after your son's well-being. 

There are many avenues you can go down if you decide that you want to leave the relationship. If you think this will cause further 'conflict' with your husband then it is essential that you get advice first on how best to approach your departure (if that is what you want to do).

The best place to start this conversation is with your GP or alternatively 1800 RESPECT is a valuable online resource and service to connect you with further information and help.

Try also searching this forum for threads where members have posted about similar issues - simply type a keyword(s) into the search bar and see what comes up.

You are also most welcome to continue to talk here and I am sure you will find other members who can relate to your 'story' and may be able to share their own experiences.

I hope you find the forum a useful tool and a safe place where you feel listened to and supported.

Zoe 

[marchhare]

Hi Woman30, it is Marchhare here. One of the forum moderators.

Welcome to the Sane Forums. I see you have already received a welcome and wise advice from a forum member. I am sure the forum members will rally round you and give you support and advice.

Take care,

Marchhare

[Mazarita]

Hi @Woman30, I'm hoping that another of the guides here, @Faith-and-Hope, might be around at some point to respond to you. I have just 'tagged' her here so she knows about your post. She has experience of something similar to your situation. Sorry you are going through a difficult time with your family. I hope you find a good resolution with this. Another warm welcome to the forum.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Woman30 and welcome to the forums. I will have more time to respond later tonight but I wanted you to know I have picked up @Mazarita's tag and heard you .....

🌷🐬

[Former-Member]

Hello @Woman30, I think your struggling with a decision you've already made. You mention whenever you fight you think of leaving, but then think of your Son. You say this after you've said you don't want your Son to grow up with no respect. I think your doing the right thing, questioning whether it is right for your Husband to make all the decisions.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Woman30 .... I'm back ... finally ....

Two things I have learned are these -

Sometimes we simply don't think to ask to be included.  If it's something we naturally expected, then when it doesn't happen, like being included in the decision-making, then we feel excluded and from that mind-set we can forget that it's okay to speak up, and simply ask.  That doesn't have to be a serious discussion.  

It can be something like, "Can we talk about it before we make a final decision ?  Two heads are sometimes better than one ...."

Or "Would you mind sharing with me how you came to that decision please ?  I would like more understanding about it."

You are quietly and calmly affirming that you are an intelligent woman and expect that courtesy.  Your son will hear your manner and expectation and will learn that you are standing up for yourself.  This is something to be respected, and he will l arm that.

The second thing I have learned is that politeness is very powerful.  It says many things.  It is a request for respectful behaviour in return.  It de,onstrates that you are respectful yourself.  Your son will respond to this progressively.  

Politeness also becomes a privacy shield.  People have to over-ride respectability to reach beyond a barrier of politeness.  For instance, if someone asks how you are, and you respond with, "I am very well, thank you."  Even if they suspect that you are not well within yourself, they can't exactly say, "I don't believe you are very well.  Tell me what is wrong."  So using politeness, you get to control your boundaries, and if people around you are not respecting them, quietly and firmly keep repeating what you said politely in the first place ... "Yes, I am very well, thank you."

I hope this helps you within your home situation, particularly if your husband is very controlling.  Mine, through illness, has become very controlling, so it is something I am struggling to contain.  The advice I have just offered you is what I apply to my own situation, but it doesn't always work easily, and it takes practice.

Take care,

F&H

[Woman30]

Zoe7 thank you so much for your beautiful messages. I don't know how to response all those messages that I got here. I don't know , I need someone​ who I can share my story. Australia is my second land. I don't have family here.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Woman30, I hear your sense of feeling isolated. This is common for many women I believe even in their own homeland with 'family'.
I learnt something today about the importance to speak as myself.
I was beginning to feel very trapped in my situation.
Not a positive place to be!
It's great you have found this space to speak for yourself.
It can be overwhelming to respond but you are free to do this in your own 'processing' time.
Matters of the heart take much time and are not clear cut.
I know you have found a good space to help yourself do just that. ❤️