Lived Experience Forum

[Simon77]

Hi, 

So it turns out that COVID 19 has triggered something in me that I never knew when claiming my whole life and at the age of 43 that I was a self aware and empathetic loving and understanding and balanced child that was adopted in 77. I have always said its not an issue and talked openly I felt and other as well that really it was not an issue. I have thought of myself as one of the good ones and that I was emotionally strong not just for myself but for others. So when I recently worked with a belief coach I was for the first time made to step out from behind the excuses I was giving myself and cleverly by the coach made to tell her what had been holding me back? This was coming from the business point and I was unaware what was about to happen to me.

I gave the old excuse when asked about family oh yeah and I am adopted and its all good and everything is fine I have known since I can remember and I know of others that have a hard time but I am fine. This was not accepted as easily as I had been used to and she made me go deeper. I was being given no option to palm it off and I had for the first time in my life I was now about to be questioned in depth about how I really felt which I myself had no idea.

To give some background my adopted family relationship has broken down and was and is still hard for me to explain why. I have been ladled as ungrateful and the cause of these issues. I have tried to work through the correct process but its not shown any results and has got very nasty over the last five years. So why was I telling this amazing coach that it was all good and I was not effected by adoption?  I believe if you are an adoptee you will understand this, if you speak out about anything that is bothering you then you will be meet with the usual bombardment of ungrateful and where would you be if they didn’t take you in and you are lucky and it goes on and one. I believe I had a script I would say to make sure others felt I was grateful and happy I was not left in whatever happened to babies at that time if they were given up. This script was about to be called out and I was about to be forced to accept that I was not ok and in fact I was about to have a moment where maybe for the first time I was going to have to tell the truth ! as it was out of the blue and I had no time to prepare.

I told her and not the nitty gritty but I was forced to admit that my adoption had for some reason made me unable to progress in life and for reasons I would explore in the next days would uncover that I am in a nut shell pretty fucked up! I since have thought about people that have come and gone in my life due to me not working this out earlier. I have seen as clear as crystal the distractions and tasks I use to distract myself and I can see that this was never going to stop. My actions cause damage to so many as I have always been a popular person and someone that has had no trouble meeting girls. I have always wanted to have a family and be strong for those around me, I have talked like I am super self aware and working on myself and had very high success metrics in terms of my work and education. This is still the case but I now understand why I get so close and then pull away. Well I think I understand.

5 years ago I spoke out in a big way against the family I was placed into by the government of Victoria and since then I have been to court over things that are not true but were used to remove my credibility. I have fought with police and the mental health system and friends and mentors that just don’t understand. I have been transplant about 95% of things but there is the fact I was not telling the truth about why I was behaving like this and it was out of fear of being judged as ungrateful and still protecting this family from things I knew and was not revealing. I sat in court and the magistrate even asked me what happened ? I said I cant tell you as I don’t want to cause any drama or effect people that if I was to explain would not be able to deal with. Its right as this family are weak and I am not but I have sacrificed a lot to not hold members accountable and instead held It in.

Because of this I have asked to be discharged from the adoption which I believe will be the moment if granted I am my own person and not tied to a family that makes me question my ethics and morals and has been something I have tried to become part of yet something inside me has never let me do. I don’t believe in their past and hidden actions that are yet to be exposed and due to these actions the damage that it has done to others. These stuff is serious and has destroyed lives and I maybe if this had have been exposed many years ago could have felt that they wanted to change but instead my life was almost destroyed when I gave them a choice. So anyway I have had to write while solo in lock down all the reasons I feel that need to be taken into consideration to be discharged from this family. After the belief coach and this I guess I have triggered something and now I feel I am unable to come back or hide it anymore.

At the beginning I felt once I am discharged I can move on but not my fight is with myself and my guilt. I have to say I am guilty of self diagnoses and have stopped as for the first time since 13 and only a few days ago I began to think of ending my life as a solution. I have since stopped and reached out for help from close friends and believe that I now should be excited about working out that something is wrong with me and not others around me. It was a close call or moment that I don’t want to undervalue but right now I feel focused and ok but I do have it in my mind that right now things have been moving very fast and maybe I am not equipped to manage these thoughts as my armour has been removed. I have been forced if not accidentally to understand that I may have a serious illness that has been there for a long time. I read about Complex PTSD and Personality Separation and Borderline and can totally relate!!  Its almost like an operations manual for me.

Its good to understand these illnesses but I am not and will never be a professional in these areas and have stopped this until I can speak to someone about it and hope that may be tomorrow. I am however fighting off thinking about people I have loved and sabotaged out of not feeling that I was good enough or would fuck up their life’s due to my own low self worth. I have lied to myself and others who are amazing people and believed me. I have a MO and a set way I have discovered that has been happening all the way through my adult life and for the first time I have worked it out. Its not nice to feel that this has been there and everyone who has been in my life has had to deal with it in one way or another.

I seem like I am super open and aware and present yet really I am terrified and lying and oblivious to what is wrong and in my defence I have never really understood. I have known something is causing it and its always it really is me not you in break ups but I have never really thought about it. This is because I have always never wanted to talk or use adoption as a potential reason for any trauma or reasoning about who I have become.

I have one thing and that is this, out of respect and love for people that have taken the brunt of my ways or actions in the past I am writing this and for the first time being honest about what and who I am. I believe that I always start with best intentions and end in blaming myself. I never want to hurt and am never premeditated in forming networks or relationships. I have a good soul and help anyone who needs it even if it means sacrificing things or opportunities for myself. I know I have a good heart and I am unselfish yet I seem to think the worst about myself.

I believe that suicide or isolation is not going to show past friends and lovers that I want to change for them. Hiding is not the answer and opting out is not going to be thought about from well now on. I wanted to come on here and post this well badly written and punctuation free introduction lol I have told maybe 3 people in the world the above things over the past days and now this !! it is for me transparency and proving that its not that scary and if I am judged then I can take it. There is a lot more that fits into the above story and its stuff that I will work on with people that can guide me through and support me if it opens up things that I have and honestly know that I have blocked.

So I am Simon and for the first time am realising that I have something wrong inside me that has been causing a lot of drama and conflict in my life with people I love. I am happy that I have understood things and acted on them and although I do this firstly for others I want to say that this time I HAVE to do it for myself and make self healing for me. I have to for the first time stop hiding behind helping others and say that maybe selfishly I need to help myself. I have maybe not experienced some horrible things that others on here have and I cant imagine the strength it takes to get past some traumas. I am not even sure the exact things I have experienced and hope that I am able to deal with them. And then there is this, I believe the my forced adoption in 77 was not managed well and also I was not able to find the right support and advise to understand the negative and lasting effe3cts it has had on me and people I cared about. I believe that I have never been able to speak out as there is no platform or support if done and I have so desperately wanted to support and protect this family that I buried these feelings and forgot about myself.

This is my story and why I am coming into this community. I am pretty damaged and scared and unsure about what happens if I really open myself but believe this is a good start. I am not sure what I am looking for to be honest but if you have got this far I thankyou for reading this and hope it made sense. Any that’s it  Simon

[Humane-yo-yo]

Hi Simon; I feel for your plight, although not having gone thorugh your unique situation, I can only empathize & say that the very worst parts of our lives make us stronger beings, if we can see a goal to strive toward. 10 years ago, I lost several major parts of my life to the effects of permanent physical injuries & growing semi-disablement. Work, a family, house/home, my body's ability to move freely & thus my work-related social relationships, all departed in a single year & left me in a vacuum of angst. To ward off betting on 'God's mercy' - "If I survive this, I'm meant to live etc," - I began to write; Fiction, & I wrote & wrote & wrote for 2 years. I had never written fiction previously or had anything to do with publishing. It was a steep learning curve, which kept me 'sane'. The stories had nix to do with my issues, although creating something entirely new, gave me insight into my previous life & issues & restored some of my youthful confidence. 10 years later, I have 'indie/self-published' a 10xbook series that is being read worldwide. I'll never become a millionaire from it, but the mighty $, was not why I wrote the tales. I guess I'm saying that taking on something completely new and challenging helped me get thorugh an extremely difficult time. I wish you health & happiness in the future.    

[Maggie]

@Simon77  That’s a lot to deal with. I think one think that stood out to me in your writing, was self blame. It’s something I do well, so I might be misinterpreting. 

I’m sorry for the hard times you are facing. You mentioned friends, which are very important, but  I wonder if you have any professional support in place. 

Welcome me to the forums. I hope you can share more as your journey unfolds.

[Maggie]

@Humane-yo-yo  Welcome to you also.

Sorry you have gone through so much, lost so much. 

Writing sounds like a life saver for you. I believe in creating something that helps get us through the tough times. I paint stones. It’s colour in dark times, as I imagine you writing is.

Good to see you here. Take care.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Simon77 

I haven't read your whole message but certainly enough to respond  - I know more about the possible feelings surrounding adoption than most people and it's okay to feel ungrateful  - why should you feel happy about it?

My ex-h and I adopted our first child  - he would have been a few years older than you  - he died a long time ago - he was very unhappy and his being an adoption was part of his reason - he told me I wasn't his real mother and I told him that was true however I was the next best thing and to get on with it. 

I never expected him to be grateful  - we wanted a child and that turn out to be him. I really loved him

Also  - by 1977 adoption was getting harder to achieve  - unmarried women were keeping their babies more  - if you you hadn"t been adopted by the parents you had you would have been adopted - but there is no need to rejoice in the situation - you birth mother gave you up and I can't imagine how painful that is

Have you tried to find your  birth mother? It might help you get on with your life if you could or it might not 

You are the same person you would have been regardless and I  am glad to meet you and I do understand

Best wishes from someone else in the adoption triangle  - alas  - someone has to raise relinqiished  babies - that's a fact and you don't have to be "gratefu"

Dec

[FindingStrength]

Hey @Simon77 Thank you for your courage to be vulnerable & sharing your truth. And it does take so much courage to enquire deeply, to be honest with oneself & to take the journey of healing. 

I too encourage you to have as much support around you as you go. I tried all kinds of different types of healing for the trauma's I found along the way & also found the greatest progress came when I felt held safely by people who could guide me. 

The things we can grow from & overcome can become a great source of depth & strength. It takes time & care. Best wishes for your quest.