Lived Experience Forum

[ThinSkin]

Okay so I'm 20 and have been diagnosed 4 years ago with bpd, depression anxiety (kinda a packaged deal). I recently found out I wasn't doing as well as I thought. I'm apparently still having violent borderline flare ups and attacking my family verbally and physically sometimes but I don't remember being there/doing/saying those things, due to past traumas I subconsciously delete what happens from my brain when I have a flare up and forget it. My family caught on that was happening for a while before telling me. The next day after a night of me having a classic act out no one would bring it up or talk about it because they knew I had forgotten about it. It just sucks because I thought I was doing so much better and the flare ups had almost completely stopped. I was wrong and I think that is the worst part about having borderline personality disorder. It's like having split personalities. I get why they didn't tell me or bring it up the next day. it doesn't change the fact it happened. BPD is ruining my life. I'm so far from where I should be. I can't hold a job or get Centrelink, I rely on my parents to survive, I have no friends, maybe get one message every 6 months, I'm so depressed, I barely ever leave the house, I spend nearly all my time alone, everything just sucks. I've just recently stared re-setting up a support system, I have a case worker, attending a social anxiety course, apart of Floresco and new directions. Sick of living with this mental illness, wish things were different. I wish I was different. Nothing's gotten better in 4 years, just worse. 

[Ellu]

Dear ThinSkin,

I have bi-polar disorder, which means that I can't identify with your feelings and actions, but I want to tell you one thing. You are 20 years old. You are only now starting to come to terms with your illness and work out how best to handle it. Rely on healthcare professionals to put you on the correct path. A psychiatrist or a psychologist can help you set up a plan for managing your disorder, and as you get older and more experienced things WILL GET BETTER. I can tell you that because I am  63 years old and have lived with bi-polar disorder for 47 years. I have a partner and adult children and we all get on well as a family. Don't write yourself at the age of 20.You have yet to learn to manage your disorder, but with time and effort that will happen. Follow up every lead you can - psychologists, psychiatrists and find out diferent ways you can help yourself.

As for your loneliness, that is a terrible thing.Have you ever thought of doing any voluntary  work? The Salvation Army, St..Vincent de Paul, it doesn't matter - you will be creating a bond with society and making friends. It is not good to be alone, you have to reach out to meet people, and voluntary work is a great way to do this.

When I remember myself at the age of 20 I was very distressed. But step by step I have managed to create a future for myself, and SO CAN YOU! All the best,

Ellu

[Lunar]

Hello @ThinSkin,

Welcome to the forums, it's nice to meet you 🙂

You seem to be really struggling at the moment, I am sorry you feel as though your ife is getting worse and your feelings of depression and lonliness are very intense right now, you said you are getting some support at the moment such as a case worker, your parents, social anxiety course and floresco but you also feel quite isolated with feeling like you have a lack of friends.

Is now just a time where you are focusing on feeling a bit better and then looking at ways you can work again and re build some friendships, it seems a bit overwhelming to tackle all of that at once, best to focus on one thing at a time like you seem to be doing.

Thinking of you and hoping you get some extra support here on the forums,

Lunar

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @ThinSkin,

Welcome to the forum. I am 39 years old and I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 19. Having BPD means that my life looks extremely different to how it may have looked if I didn't have it. But it is what it is. My life is still quite a muddle, but it IS different to how it was when I was 20 years old. I have no idea what things will look like for you twenty years from now, but I do know for certain that they will look different to how they are right now.

For me, I never have regained social connections...but I have learnt to be much more ok with being by myself. I am gradually creating a very quiet life for myself, which helps me to feel calm instead of flooded with super big feelings a lot of the time. I went through a long period of intense and overwhelming loneliness, but you know what? That has passed, and now I am much more ok with being alone in the world. It is peaceful and I feel most calm when I am alone.

I can hear how alone you feel right now and I can hear how much you are struggling with the flare ups that happen with your family. It sounds like your family are really understanding and it is great that you have your parents there supporting you (even though I understand it might feel yuck knowing you are reliant on them for support).

I noticed that you mentioned you are so far from where you "should" be. I can certainly relate to that. At 39, I've never had a romantic relationship (except for an icky abuse situation when I was a young teen) and despite completing two university degrees, any sort of career is looking increasingly unlikely. However, I've noticed that I'm starting to worry less about where I "should" be. I am where I am. I am doing the best that I can with the hand that life has dealt me.

I have been really reflecting on the title of your post and in all honesty, I don't think I would say that BPD has ruined my life...more like...BPD has shaped my life. Having BPD exposed me to the world of mental health services. If I didn't have BPD, I would never have seen the inside of a psychiatric ward. I would never have seen how amazingly dysfunctional the public mental health system is. And thus, I would never have developed the burning desire that I have, to bring about change in that system. I know the 20-year-old me would have said that BPD was ruining my life, but here at 39, I can honestly say that it has shaped my life.

Hang in there @ThinSkin. I can't promise you that things will get better, because the truth is, I don't know the future. However, I can say that for me, things have certainly become calmer over the years and I hope that things will similarly improve for you over time. I think simply knowing there are others out there who struggle with similar issues is super helpful. The internet barely existed when I was diagnosed. When I see how much value I get out of the SANE forums now, I often think about how immensely helpful such a resource would have been during those tumultuous years of my early twenties. I super hope you can feel supported here @ThinSkin and know that you are not alone in your struggle. 

[ThinSkin]

Thanks @Ellu, I used to volunteer at the rspca for over a year just couldn't continue to go after I kept getting anxiety attacks while there. It's hard to get out and volunteer different places because I have no money, Id and can't drive but all a working progress. Getting my passport sorted now. Been to heaps of psycologists and psychiatrists haven't found one I connect well with so organising trying to get Centrelink again so I can get the concession card thing and get a new psychologist/psychiatrist through new directions.

[ThinSkin]

Thanks for the welcome @Lunar, my case worker and I are firstly just organising my like 6th attempt to get Centrelink so I can get a concession card for a psychologist and psychiatrist due to the fact I can't afford it at the moment, I start my social anxiety course next week. I'm getting more used to the loneliness and the friend situation cause it's been like that for at least 2 years now, my family love me and my mums very supportive so I'm beyond greatful for them. I'm quite excited I came across this forum because I've never met or had a conversation with another person who struggles day to day like me or has the same or mental illnesses like me. 🙂

[ThinSkin]

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising. I definitely agree with your advice I know exactly what you mean about the psychiatric ward situation, been in and out of them at 18 and it was ridiculously dysfunctional. In many ways the mental health system let me down especially when I couldn't deal with myself before I was diagnosed and overdosed a stupid amount of times to be forcibly removed from psych wards for not being ready to leave and thinking the system doesn't want to deal with me. I'm very fortunate to have a loving family and a supportive mum just over feeling stuck. My time alone I've come around to most the time prefer it, I have some nights where I struggle but I've spent majority of my time alone and not being comfortable leaving my house or talking to anyone besides family for the past 2 years. Your story has given me abit of hope that I can get better so thank you for that 🙂

[Change123]

Hi @ThinSkin

I totally understand where you are coming from but you have the knowledge early on in life to do something about it. I was finally diagnosed with BPD which also includes general anxiety disorder and depression (as you whole package) about 6 years ago and I am now 50 yrs old.  I know now that I have had this through my teens all due to abusive family etc etc.

You are so lucky to have supportive family this can really aid your recovery if you communicate with them, even though I know how hard that can be.  My partner of 30 + years has bipolar but even now if I have a bad day he wont get the anxiety thing, he just says you dont have anything to be anxious over and I know that but you know how it is with anxiety and the awful thing with BPD is that you just feel like no one understands your thoughts or feelings and it can be a very lonely experience. From a young age of about 8 (possible had traumatic issues then) I would always want to be alone and just played with our pets but never was very social.  I guess even at that young age I felt very let down by people even though I couldnt communicate it.

I used to have the worst BPD rage that just made our relationship so volatile and it still does hit me every now and then.  There were times that I didnt remember either, apparently if I was woken out of my sleep I would get very abusive verbally towards my partner.  The next morning I would have no knowledge of this and would find out after realising that he slamming doors and is really shitty with me. 

Has anyone recommend the DBT course?  I found this very helpful but admittingly didnt really " get it"  till late last year.  It gives you strategies for coping with rage, depression and anxiety.  I often find distract, distract and do something physical to tire yourself out, its hard being angry and in a rage when you are tired. I also understand about your comment about " I should be better than I am"  BUT having said that BPD is full of "shoulds"  we have these expectations of ourselves and others which arent healthy and lead us to rage and anxiety etc because " it shouldnt happen" but in the real world whether we like it or not things do happen as we would want.

Another good trick I learnt from DBT with rage is using something to deflect that, example usually I am raging out of scheer frustration, no one understands, no one listens and in reality its just a big tantrum to get other peoples attention to listen.  In DBT they say if you feel you will SH or RAGE to do things like have a cold shower, hold ice cubes in your hand for as long as you can stand, for me one day I was really bad and got caught in the rain and was saturated.  I went home cold and tired from the rain but guess what it wasnt intentional but I had no more rage.  We have this impulsive feeling inside that if we dont let it out something bad will happen but feeling and thoughts cant hurt you they are exactly that feeling and thoughts. You have to learn to accept those feelings and know inside while you may have terrible feelings at the time thats all they are.

BPD I feel is something that will always stay with me but its how I control it and learn to change my faulty thinking and its happening slowly for me finally so believe me there is hope and you can do this.  I have done this totally alone with no family, no friends, didnt have my partners support at the time infact he was making things worse, no help from the mental health system, like you they really let me down as well but I have made it this far!

[ThinSkin]

Thanks @Change123 🙂🙂