Lived Experience Forum

[Yiska]

Hello everyone!

I'm new to this, it's my first post!

I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the things that has been bothering me lately is attachment issues. I see a psychologist and she's the only person that I talk to. I don't really have any friends. I've been trying to work on building relationships with people, but it's so hard. I'd rather talk to my psychologist than anyone else. I have been seeing her weekly for about 3 years and It's like she's the only person that I feel comfortable talking to.

This has been the case for years and years. Ever since I was 13 years old(I'm 22 now), I have been seeing psychologists/counsellors and I get attached to them. The worse is after I have seen them for a few years, they move on or I can't see them anymore and then I feel lost. I get so devastated and it takes a long time for me to open up to anyone else. I haven't quite gotten over any of them. I still miss them so much. This has happened at least 4 times. I'm worried that my current psychologist is going to leave soon. That worry is always in the back of my mind. I feel like I'm the only person who feels like this. I feel alone. It's really hard to talk about it. I've tried to bring it up with my psychologist many times but I didn't get very far as my anxiety got in the way.

I've tried to reason with myself and ask myself why do I get so attached to them for. My best answer is that after years of talking to them, I'm comfortable with them, they know almost everything about me and they have helped my though my darkest times. It's also probably because i didn't have emotional support when I was younger. My parents were very closed and everything was bad - It was bad to express feelings, bad to talk about them.

Does anyone else feel like this?

It's been hard over the holidays, as it is for many people. Everyone is on holidays and i feel I have to keep everything to myself and deal with it all myself and hopefully I can manage. I don't feel comfortable talking over the phone to crisis lines, I guess if I was feeling really bad I would consider calling them. But for now I just feel alone.

I would like to hear from you if you have any similar issues. I hope everyone has had a good holiday! 🙂

[BlueBay]

Hi @Yiska

I so had to reply to you.  I am suffering exactly what you are suffering including childhood abuse.  I struggle with attachment issues and being abandoned.  My therapist that I had for 5 yrs decided in Sept last year that he could no longer help me, boy was that a blow to my mind.  i sobbed and sobbed, fearing abandonment, rejection, hate etc etc.  I then had to find another psychologist.  I did find one who i think will be really good, more specific to my needs and is a female.  But at the back of my head i am scared that she will too leave me one day.

I have actually told this new therpaist my fears and we are working on that.  It is hard because we become so comfortable with that person that we tell them everything, i know i did.  i told him so much personal and privagte stuff that not even my husband knows.

I think it would be a good idea to bring it up with your current psychologist.  Let them know how you feel about that happening (if it ever happened again) and try and work on it.

I so much know what you mean and where you're coming from..

Take care, happy to chat again.  There are so many beautiful on this forum that i am sure will give you some advice and support as well.

[Lunar]

Hello @Yiska, welcome to the forums!

It's great you have come on here to get some extra support for yourself 🙂 You have a lot of insight as to how you are quite dependant on your relationship with your Psychologist and how that puts a lot of pressure on that relationship if it is the only one you have at the moment.

I think what @BlueBay said is very helpful, perhaps in your upcoming sessions you could start focusing on ways you can start to build relationships with other people in your life. Even if you are not close to them at first but over time this connection will build, just like it has with your previous therapists and you will build a close bond.

Try to just take small steps, like having a coffee here and there, doing some hobbies with people and then over time you will find someone you click with. I think lots of people struggle with this, it's really hard opening up to new people but sometimes it's about taking that risk in the chance the relationship will be a good one.

I know this is related to love but it rings true to relationships in general I think-

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"

I hope you had some nice time to yourself over the holidays

[Yiska]

Thank you @BlueBay and @Lunar for replying. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this but in the same way it sucks that we have to go through things like this.

I will prepare to bring it up in the next couple of sessions. I feel that I do need to bring it up sooner or later. I don't think she understands how big this is for me as when I have brought it up in the past, she didn't respond much to it and changed the subject fairly quickly. But I will bring it up again and try to express how I'm feeling without my anxiety getting in the way. Last time I spoke to her about it I froze and I couldn't really talk about it because I was worried what she would think of me and that she wouldn't understand.

My goal is to talk about it and make sure she understands and helps me to get through what ever happens next.

I have tried so many things to try and build relationships/friendships with people such as social groups and classes and things like that. It makes it harder as I have social anxiety and I am not the type of person who approaches people. I'm more comfortable standing at the back out of the way and just watch. I have overcome the worst of my social anxiety, I used to get anxious and have panic attacks just walking out of the house. Now I can go out in public. My anxiety is still there, but I can manage it a lot better now. I have met a few people in my classes but I seem to push myself away from them. That's an old habit of mine. I worry they won't like me or judge me and think that I won't have anything to offer to them, then the negative thoughts come in, such as "I'm not good enough" "There's something wrong with me" I just think I will never have a close friend who I can talk to and do things with. I seem to be a bit of a loner.

I have had friends in the past, but they've either treated me horrible, used me for my car or money or just stopped talking to me. I don't want to have to go through that again as my past relationships have contributed to my PTSD.

I know I have to keep trying. As much as I am over it and want to give up and how much is scares me to find other people and build relationships, there's not really much else I can do other than just keep trying and keep taking small steps. Maybe one day I won't have to rely on my psychologist so much. I wish I wouldn't get so attached to them. Sorry, I could keep going on and on...

Thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it! 🙂

[Lunar]

Hello @Yiska,

What you have just wrote is so interesting to me, you mentioned that you have overcome your social anxiety and now manage to go out into public, and although you have anxiety you can manage it a lot better, that's really impressive.

You also wrote that you have an old habit which is a pattern of negative thoughts around judgement and people not liking you, it would be really helpful for you to challenge these thoughts in your sessions and how they are not helpful in social situations but also quite normal as most people are also thinking this in a social situation, it can be a positive to feel like this and come across as down to earth, rather than thinking you are amazing which can be seen as arrogant.

It seems you have also experienced some bad relationships in the past which is causing conflict in you making new friends, that could be worth discussing as well 🙂

It's great you have all of this personal insight and wanting to keep trying, that can be the hardest part in self-change and you have already done that, well done

Lunar

[Heart]

Hello @Yiska. You have over come alot, well done. The advise that @BlueBay and @Lunar have suggested are great things.

Would it help at your next session to have a list of the things you wish to talk about and ask if within that session you discuss these items and ways that would help you work through them.

Keep up the great work and keep chatting with us.

Take care.

[Matt12]

Hi, I understand where your at and have been their for a long time, got no answers still looking myself but this helps 

Content/trigger warning

[Jag]

Hi @Yiska, I understand your concern about being so attached to your therapist and also your concern about abandonement. I have experienced the effects of Complex PTSD and I found it very difficult to contemplate ever being able to manage my life without my therapists being a part of it. I have had about 10 years of therapy and how I understand my attachment and abandonment issues, is that because I had such a traumatic childhood, I had never properly reached developmental milestones.....its like I had child parts of myself still frozen in traumatic memories and feelings. Therapy and the connection with my therapists gave me the opportunity and experience of going through the developmental stages that I had previously not experienced. It was like 'growing up' in therapy. I still have therapy but my fear of abandonment is very minimal now and I don't see my therapists anywhere near as often as I used to. It took a lot of emotional work and a long time, but I am in a much better place now. 

I hope you can continue to work with your therapist and experience the benefits as I did. A good therapist who understands trauma should be able to understand your concerns. Good luck. I know how very difficult it can be.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Yiska, I can relate to this (also have cPTSD/BPD and like @Jag said - we have not matured in this area properly, the boundaries are hard to define and trauma seems to wants to repeat itself. I find it hard to be in touch with my feelings let alone express them. Self awareness is paramount - working on this with Mindfulness Exercises. Frankly, its the counsellors responsibility to empower you to move on - not make you or let you become dpendent on them. I still get very anxious toward the end of my 10 sessions, thinking its the end and have to say goodbye. I often just can't face the goodbye session OR I'll habitually find something I don't like with them as excuse to sever contact. Often its not until after that I see I've played my usual pattern. Do the same with men - 8months my limit. Everyone who's anyone in my life have hurt and spat me out, and I've let them (mixed up head / boundaries). I tried and stuck with a male counsellor last year - omg what a nightmare. He was highly professional and the first person I could tell about my alters but I didn't say bye, just stopped going. It hurts toouch to be real with it with offending party (who's offense is in my interpretation). Sheesh, I get so mixed up with what's real what's not, what's them what's me. Thanks for bringing up this topic for discussion, makes me think. Maybe just tell them. xox

[vic100]

i did have a pshcologist a few years ago and then he left that practise i had to start again wow it can be difficult.i had the same thing happen to me