I saw both my psychologist and my GP last week. Necessary appointments resulting from my failures of the week before which required a hospital visit. Both stressed the importance of maintaining human connections. Something I havent done lately due to several reasons, including my own destructive habit of retreating into self isolation.
My GP used the example of the recent mass pilot whale beaching in Tassie to demonstrate his point. The importance of being part of a group or family is vital. And instinct will force mammals to maintain those vital connections, even to the detriment of themselves. Connections are what enable us to survive and gives us a chance to thrive.
My psychologist told me I cannot continue to retreat into myself and become isolated every time bad things happen to me.
So here I am back again, and hoping so very hard that I am permitted to stay. I am in even greater need than ever before, of support from my much loved forum family right now. I need someone I can talk to and connect with. I need someone who will just sit with me when I need to know I'm not as alone as I feel. I need reassurance that everything will be okay, even though I know nobody can realistically do that. I am feeling very alone, very afraid and feeling very sorry for myself.
I want to thank all of you who have consistently posted to me here during my latest 2 week absence. Its been a dreadfully difficult and upsetting couple of weeks, and I have really appreciated that you did not forget me and that you tried to maintain contact ... at I time I could not do so. So thank you to all of you for your messages and your thoughts. Also to those of you who have tagged me on other threads ... thank you so much ... it helped to make me feel part of the greater forum family, that I was missed and maybe even wanted here after all. I very much appreciate each of you and you are all a very vital part of my life ... actually .... you are all I have.
@Owlunar @Appleblossom @NatureLover @Anastasia @WIP @eth @Former-Member @Peri @Lee82 @BlueBay @greenpea @Meowmy @Former-Member @Former-Member @Snowie @Eve7 @outlander @Shaz51 @oceangirl @Angels333 @Molliex @Faith-and-Hope @Sans911 @Zoe7 @Former-Member @Maggie @Schitzo
Just as well give you an update on my tests I had on Tuesday. As most of you know ... I got a call back from a routine 2-yearly BreastScreen xray. Something suspicious showed up on my scans. So I had to go to my closest (regional) city to a BreastScreen clinic for further assessment. This happened on Tuesday morning. It was an early start to the day, so I stayed the night in the city. As is usual ... being in the city presented many distressing triggers for me. But I got through it and made my appointment on the Tuesday. Got there early, just after 10am. I didnt get away until just before 3pm. So it was a long and upsetting day.
I had hoped that they'd perform the diagnostic follow up Xrays and say ... nope all good, nothing to worry about. But no ... the Xrays showed the same suspicious lump and I needed to have ultrasounds done to investigate further. All this was aiming to rule out anything sinister, to find a non-threatening cause of the changes in the xrays. Unfortunately the ultrasound only caused me alarm bells. The lump was irregular and dense and showed all the hallmarks of cancer.
A doctor came in and did more tests and felt lymph nodes etc and checked the scans and ultrasounds. Said the lump showed every indication of being cancer and also that my lymph nodes under the arm were also swollen. The lump is quite high up towards the arm, which is a bit of a concern given the closeness of the nodes. Which means it closer for the cancer to spread. I needed a fine needle biopsy of the nodes and a core biopsy of the lump itself. So heaps of needles, including a local anaesthetic. All patched up afterwards with waterproof dressing to remain on for 3 days. Sent to a nurse counsellor who gave me all the paperwork and information on breast cancer. Spoke to me about next steps ... ie definitely surgery then other (maybe radiation or chemo or targetted therapy) depending on spread if any. Told me to make an appointment for next week with my GP to obtain referral for a surgeon. Gave me information about the surgery options.
All the biopsys have been sent to pathology for analysis now, but wont be back until next Thursday when a Dr will phone me with results. But I've been told that I almost certainly have cancer, and the biopsys will confirm that and will provide information which will be used to determine best treatment.
Although they have not told me that I definitely have cancer, they have said its almost certain given what they can see, feel and know. They are all experts at this place and know what they are looking for. They see it every day. So if I am told next week that its all clear ... that will be a big shock. A welcome one of course, but a shock nonetheless.
I have to say that this diagnosis did not come as a shock. As soon as I got the call back, I knew the news would be bad. Its still very fresh in my mind that my Mum died only a little over a year ago from breast cancer (and other complications from it). And I had a grandmother die of breast cancer about 40 odd years ago. And in my personal experience in life ... worst case scenario's for me are the norm.
Its believed that stress is one of the hidden causes of cancer ... I have had my share of that throughout my life. So I guess its inevitable that its all caught up with me now.
I am feeling very sore and sorry for myself right now ...after having heaps of needles and core biopsy thingys stuck into me on Tuesday, lots of bruising and bandaging ... its pretty uncomfortable. Cannot even have a shower until tomorrow, when I can remove the dressings.
Hubby is feeling sorry for himself too now. I know he cares about me, but I think he is more thinking about how this will affect him. As soon as I told him what the doctors had said, he was ranting about 'my rotten luck'! Like it was all my fault or something, and that I may not be able to take proper care of him any more. That I might die and leave him to fend for himself. With all the health issues hubby has had lately, who would have thought that it could be me that dies first? It all seems so unfair. I have to admit I had hoped I would have a few years to just be me, for me, before dying. Now life is turned on its head, and I am thrown into a whirlwind. And yet, I cannot do anything or plan anything until the pathology all comes back to confirm everything and tell them everything they need to know before any surgery or treatment can be done.
I do apologise for the length of this post ... it just kind of grew. I havent had anyone to talk to for 2 weeks or more. I am sorry.
Emelia 🌸😔💔
