Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. I had a thought after a quick scroll through the posts here today about your son. I wonder if it could be helpful to cut out and stick some sight words in places he might see often (like on the fridge maybe)? Not to push them on him but more to just have them there where he's exposed to them. From my experience my kids kind of absorbed what was around in their own ways and in their own times, and he might do the same too.

Good luck with it all. The new school may have a different approach to homework and the way they'd like it to go ☺

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Former-Member

Waiting until you get to a new school is a good idea - perhaps things will be easier then

You have had the left-handed issue yourself and I wonder what does it matter - my daughter is in middle-life now and is living a successful life but there were problems with two teachers in her early life that could have made her life hell for no good reason and it seems as if you really did

I wish you and your son the best

Dec

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member 

If your son doesn’t want to read his reader, read it to him.  Show him how, then

ask him to point to the words as you read them, and read only the words he points to at the pace he points to them that time, and see whether he speeds up his pointing to encourage you to read more smoothly .... and giggle along with it when it sounds funny .... or read it in a funny voice ..... in other words, have fun with it together.  Your current school is making hard work out of something that should develop naturally through being immersed in it in a fun way.

I stuck large word labels on a door, table, chair, clock etc .... the kids do become familiar with what the words look like.  You can stick the word “me” on his bathroom mirror and “you” next to it, and stand with him in front of them, swapping places and reading the words for “me” and “you” as you swap .... with “no, this is me, that’s you !” like a game.

[frog]

I'm feeling pretty bad. My teenage son is horrible to me. He has angry rants that can last hours. Raging, yelling and saying horrible things, often at night when I desparately need sleep. Recently he has been set off by me challenging him re taking phone/laptop into his room, or spending all day gaming/watching videos. Honestly, I have very few rules and make very few demands - most of them are around his self-care and health. It has been like this for years. I feel ashamed and loathe to admit how bad it is. My daughter moved out and said it was intolerable, and she felt like it wasn't her home. I'm feeling like that too. I am so defeated and exhausted. It's almost a jekyll and hyde situation where he just flips into this mode - I can see it coming and his whole face and body change. He has a mood disorder, looking increasingly like bipolar and I'm wondering if this is part of it.

I just felt like I needed to get that out. Has anyone else experienced this? 

@CheerBear @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Former-Member @greenpea

[CheerBear]

Hey @frog. I havent experienced parenting a teen yet and can imagine the different challenges it may bring. Big hugs for you with what you're going through. It sounds really tough.

Do you have any support people who know your son or that you trust, who you could speak with? Someone at school (is he still in school?), psych, GP...?

❤

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yes @frog ...... it’s something I have experienced with our son prior to diagnosis, particularly in regards to the gaming, and it was impacting heavily on another sibling, who would have moved out if they could have.  It was intolerable, but at the time I thought it was stemming from that one’s inability to cope with what their father was doing, which is effectively a different expression of the same thing.  Once the son was diagmosed it threw a new light on our family dynamics, because that diagnosis is more or less a familial one ..... there are others of us carrying the same traits .... and whether we as individuals are the one on the reactive end, or the receiving end, we are all in this together.  The disorder, or more accurately, the disordered state “belongs” to all of us.

The reason I have said “the disordered state” is because, in hindsight, those traits were already there.  They “mature” or trigger into a state that is incompatible with functional relationships or living patterns / circumstances, and need an intervention of whatever sort that tweaks them, or medicates them, or channels them, into better coping strategies.  

Once that has occurred, they are no longer a disorder, or they are a disorder being kept in line through the medication, dbt /cbt practices, or other such management  devices.

In my hubby’s case, a changed work environment and mid-life crisis have triggered a disfunctional state that he is perceiving as functional, because it works for him.  He has spent many years now being his own doctor and therapist to develop coping strategies that are normal to him .... however the fact that he has to lie / embellish / grossly exaggerate about what he is doing to actual doctors and therapists is the biggest identifying factor that all is far from well ...... but “all” remains well hidden from view at this time.

I am assuming that your son is of adult age.  As with my husband, this means that medical or therapy intervention can only happens when he recognises that it is a problem and can agree to seeing someone and getting help.

Where does this leave you ?  Struggling. 

What can you do ?  Physically leave the house when he is ranting at you, if you can.  If he was doing this as a two year old, you would recognise it as a tantrum in order to control other people into doing what he wants, and you would pick him up and put him into a time out until he settled.  As a teen or twenty-something, he is still being driven by new and intense hormone responses as well.

Can you speak to your family doctor ?  Sometimes family counselling can help identify the problems and create boundaries and coping strategies that everyone agrees to like a contract, with consequences discussed and agreed to also ..... all led by a trained person who stands outside the relationships.

I hope this helps you in some way .....

💜

[Teej]

Hey @frog so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your son. 

My experiences having gone through 4 teenage sons is varied. One of mine had a real chip on his shoulder and was often angry and defiant. I struggled lots with him but he has turned out to be a pretty great adult, still strong willed and stubborn but it’s turned into productive things now. He also took himself to see a psychologist at 19 when he knew he was struggling with social anxiety. That helped him hugely. 

Youngest turned into an angry beast at 16. He was very much different to the child I had known. I stopped him from going to school as he wasn’t doing any work and just distracting others. We went through headspace and I learned his anger was depression. He came out the other side by counselling and he went to tafe and the got an apprenticeship at 16. He hated school and once he dealt with some pretty big issues in therapy he has moved on. I realised the extent of his depression after talking to his girlfriend and she said he’d changed lots and was always angry now too and didn’t want to do anything. His depression was situational. 

Another of mine went off the rails as a teenager too. He was good at home but not at school. He was finally diagnosed as adhd at 16 and left school shortly after. He also left home at 16 and has been out since. That was during the height of my breakdown. He refuses to see a psychologist but I know he struggles with emotion regulation amongst other things. He has a long way to go to sort his life out but is doing ok. We have a close relationship now but I have to turn a blind eye to some things. 

Im not sure how old your son is but I think I would see if you can get some support around what is going on for him . It sounds like a really difficult position for you to be in.i know if it’s bipolar its not a quick fix but maybe it will bring both of you a sense of understanding and peace  of mind as well. I hope this helps. I struggled so much to see how mine would turn out as adults I respected but they all have so I think sticking to your values and rules is important. 

[Teej]

PS @frog I also had one who was a gamer. It was really important to him and much of his social life as a teenager. I was lucky that he was self disciplined and it didn’t have a huge impact on him. He got his school work done. He still games occasionally but it’s not his life like it once was. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

So well said @Teej ..... and yes, with my gaming one it was misdirected anger, which was unrecognised depression.

I had a baby-dragon flare-up in another one last night, as yet unresolved ..... but on the whole, mine are turning into fine young people @frog, and my hubby is a fine man underneath the misdirected stuff he is floundering in.

Keep swimming Hon .....

[Former-Member]

@frog, while my situation with my is different I understand where your coming from. My boy has just turned 6 but he has suddenly got an attitude that my brothers didn't show till their early teens. Everything is a fight even something as simple as putting his bowl in the sink. It's tantrums and crying and yelling. Which just makes me feel bad. He was never like this then it was like some flicked a switch and he has this bad attitude that no-one else sees they just think I'm over reacting or that his behaviour is normal for his age. 

Normal or not I want him to go back to 5 where he listened to me and it didn't feel like we were at war all the time.