Community

[Mum1923]

I have complex ptsd due to domestic violence,  I lost everything back then including myself..  I honestly wasn't ready or wanting a relationship  when I left him  . Then I met my current partner  and I felt bonded... I felt safe and I felt loved . I'm struggling to cope with daily life since all the traumatic experiences happened... then when my partner cheated .. and did all he promised he'll never do.. I got lost more . I made a promise to stay , and I stayed because  I do love and know his a better person.. I know his exs have used and mistreated  him....  but I'm not them.. I give him  everything , paid his debts so he never had to stress.. I give him everything.. but everything  I've done right doesn't seem to count for anything .. what's wrong with me?

[tyme]

My dear @Mum1923 .

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Maybe there ISN'T anything wrong with you, but more so that this is the world we are living in?

Your feelings are valid. 

Have you been able to have an open and honest conversation with him?

[Mum1923]

Thank you for replying.

I have tried multiple  times but he just wants to move past it not realising  due to my past I relive this .. and it's been multiple  times now his done it..

 I never did anything to make him choose this.. and it destroyed  me ..

How do I try harder? Where do I go from here? I love him that's why I'm here for him and our kids... I don't want to leave him but how do I mend when it keeps happening even tho I do nothing to deserve it.

[tyme]

Would you both be open to couple's counselling or something where you have a middle person? @Mum1923 

[Mum1923]

I would,and I know I would do anything to save him from destroying  the family he helped plann..and made.

I love him enough  to stay loyal , and remain even during the pain..

I truly love him.

But he'll never agree to it nor attend.

[tyme]

Or, if you attend counselling, maybe they can talk you through some strategies or things to try @Mum1923 ?

Do you have any professional supports who may also work with some of your past?

I hear how much you love and care about him.

Alternatively, 1800RESPECT, may be able to give you some hinters 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

[Glisten]

@Mum1923 There is nothing wrong with you.
Some men want a nurse and a purse.

You are an easy target and you are being used.
That’s what happened to me.

Get out. Get out now.

I’ve been down that road. At the end of the road is a nightmare.

G

[oceangirl]

@Mum1923 

I hear you and there is nothing wrong with you

Great advice from @Glisten . You're better off, on your own, and you don't need him, or anyone else. You have yourself- what would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this? Best thing you can do is to learn to be your own best friend- to be loving and kind to yourself. You're enough- always have and always will be. Keep your chin up. 

[MJG017]

Hi @Mum1923, welcome to the forum.  It sounds like you already received some good advice.  I just thought a male perspective here may help.  I can tell you care for him and deeply for your family and have forgiven him more times that anyone should probably expect.  I not sure how else I can put this other than "you have done nothing wrong... at all."  The patience, forgiveness, and generosity is saint-like.  His behaviour is throwing up so many red flags for me.  I think you just need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel and that he needs to meet you half way to make this work.  If he doesn't want to then, sadly, I think you have your answer as to how he feels.

Honestly, it breaks my heart to hear you ask "How do I try harder?".  You can't.  You shouldn't have to.  You have already tried harder than I think anyone else would.  He is the one that needs to try.  Not try harder, just try.  Because it doesn't sound like he has tried at all.  As for the question of "What's wrong with me?" like I said before... nothing.  He should be embarrassed for making you feel the need to ask these questions.

Obviously, no one here can tell you what to do.  That is up to you to decide.  But make that decision knowing none of the fault is with you and you have already gone above and beyond.  I wish you the very best and hope your husband can finally step up and see how very fortunate he is.

[Mum1923]

Thank you so much for the advice , it's something I've taken on board hoping for the best outcome for  our family.