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Something’s not right

Dark_Olena
Senior Contributor

Stuck and powerless

Hi,   I need an anonymous platform, and I feel I can here. I feel trapped in a very hard place. Some of my past posts have been about estrangement from daughter in law and my son. There has been some unspoken unusual amends of sorts. I know daughter in law has narcissistic traits or is very self absorbed. Before the estrangement I had witnessed that the first grandchild sought a lot of comfort from wrapping her mothers trackpants around her tiny 3 year old body, security I guess. This drove her mother so mad, she would yell at her and repeatedly call her a word that refers to a disability( not nice word) . Not long after and not related to this we were estranged for 3 years.

 

This year back in early Febuary the unusual unspoken amends had taken place and all of a sudden we are back in their life to some degree. On our first visit the first born grandchild now 6 years old, was showing us her game skills with bits of paper and numbers on them, we could tell she had been to school and learnt these skills. Her mother boomed her voice over her daughter with , 'You dont know what you are doing and it didn't matter anyway because you are just a disability (bad word). I have since been there a few times more to current day and its apparent she is not her favourite child but the one that is constantly picked on and criticised.  I looked after the 2 younger ones last Wednesday and the first born turned up with her mother to pick them up after school. Her mother started on her again and said I am so sick of you and its only been half an hour.

 

She had told her  2 weeks ago she wanted to throw her in the bin, she calls her a psychopath, because she likes to be goofy, she is a child after all and laugh but it drives her mother to anger. The younger child painted her t shirt with sauce, so the older one does the same, but  it's the older one who gets a lashing. I want to do something. I have told my psychologist and Carer counsellor, but they all say, no one does anything, because it's not physical. Well that's really sad. They also said, I could get looked at as a jealous grandparent, and be called a liar.

 

Our past estrangement has nothing to do with grandmother jealousy, more like I was not up for lots of child caring. I have a daughter on the autism spectrum and we get busy on most days. First born granddaughter is picked on a lot it seems. If I speak up, even with a gentle word, I think daughter in law is with a personality disorder and my concern is we will be estranged and then I wont be able to inject those encouraging words I can get into grand daughter, to let her know someone thinks she is special. My son does not want to rock the boat. I dont know what to do. This is a toxic environment. I know a toxic environment, I have experience of one to know.

 

I feel stuck and powerless, physical abuse is bad, but so is mental and emotional abuse,  this could lead to a life of poor mental health and substance abuse to cope. She is damaging her daughter's self esteem.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Stuck and powerless

Hi @Dark_Olena, how awful to be witness to your grandaughter's terrible treatment. Indeed it sounds like mental and emotional abuse that is happening there. I have no advice but just wanted to say I heard you and understand your distress in the situation. You may be right that keeping the peace is the best for your grandaughter because you can offer her encouragement, love and a sense of her value, even if she faces the opposite from her mother. Hopefully the mother is not that way in every single instance of relating to her poor daughter. Bless that child. May she rise above and find a happier life in the long run, and people who appreciate and give kind love to her.

Re: Stuck and powerless

Oh gosh, how awful @Dark_Olena  Smiley Sad

 

I really feel for you and the firstborn granddaughter Smiley Sad

Re: Stuck and powerless

Your granddaughter is old enough to start afterschool activities such as dancing or Girl Guides - maybe having somewhere to go for two hours a week might help her out? Can you raise this with your son?

Re: Stuck and powerless

 

@Dark_Olena I saw your post last night but held off posting til others replied. 

Heart

Its a difficult one and can tell by your reticence you have put a lot of restraint and consideration into the situation.  It should not be acceptable, but some women seem to be like that.  I am sorry your counsellors could not contribute much for the good of your granddaughter or clarity about how to proceed.

 

Sadly I am in slightly similar position.  I am walking on eggshells with both my son and mother of my grandson.  It should not be quite this hard, but society seems to be more and more tricky to navigate.  Concepts like Mediation, counselling etc should be bearing more fruits //// than everybody being fearful of expressing their love to their own kin.  Such a waste of cultural and intangible resources.

 

Keep trying to find the best path.

Heart

Heart

 

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