Jude’s Jungle

[Judi9877]

Hi there @hanami @Snowie @outlander @Shaz51 @TAB @Appleblossom @MDT @yellowcorgi @Former-Member @Former-Member @FloatingFeather @Paperdaisy @Daisydreamer @Eve7 @tyme @Former-Member and everyone joining me today in the jungle. I hope you are well. Thanks for joining me. It’s very much appreciated! Heads up- rant ahead! 

To be honest, things aren’t the best for me right now in the jungle. I’m feeling like things aren’t going well for me in terms of how I’m communicating and expressing myself and my emotions. I’m struggling with meds and parts of my sleep which I’ve had issues with since September last year. I’m also dealing with a case manager who calls me when she feels likes it to arrange an appointment despite it not being suitable for me.  

I’m having trouble with my housemate who is on a new weight loss drug and who seems to think she’s entitled to getting the drug for very flippant reasons and doesn’t care about anyone else except for her own selfish needs as long as she gets it. She’s now losing weight because of the so called wonder drug and I’m feeling fat and ugly despite me knowing that part of my problem an is meds related but I can’t change that until I see the psych registrar in a weeks time which my case manager has arranged for me. I feel like I’m stuck on this specific psych med because it’s helping me sleep which is a good thing but it’s making me eat which I hate. My housemate also has an eating disorder past which doesn’t help the situation either as she’s trying to say she’s less weight than what she really is to make herself feel good as well which doesn’t help the situation. I feel like I’m bound to be the fat friend because I can’t get this new drug and because of my meds situation but I can’t get her to understand this. All she’s concerned about is making sure she can get this drug at all costs and doesn’t care who she hurts in the process which is wrong on so many fronts but she can’t see it that way. I hate how she thinks she’s entitled to this drug but I can’t make her see sense. 

I’m sorry! I’m not in a great state of mind right now. I’m going to go and try and deal with my mood on my own. I’m sorry for upsetting or triggering you. I’ll talk more later when I’m feeling a lot better. 

Take care. 
Judi9877

[Appleblossom]

Its hard being around people who do not get it and rub us up the wrong way.  Sometimes we have to compromise, but body image can be a doozy as it is often wrapped up with our self esteem and our health. @Judi9877 

I do not count my steps or my weight.  Ignorance is bliss ... not! lol

Gently Bently

[Eve7]

I’m fat and ugly too @Judi9877  so you’re not alone with those feelings .

My meds, ankle surgery, lack of will power all contribute.

sitting in support with you my friend.

💙💛💙

[Former-Member]

Hi @Judi9877 and @Eve7  

Sorry to hear how you are both feeling. Sometimes it can feel like how we look is so important, even if we know that there is so much more to ourselves. Usually focusing on it makes us feel worse, but it can be so hard to choose not to.

I can see from your posts that you both have many wonderful skills and qualities. I understand that sometimes we need to vent and be heard, but I wonder if it is helpful to shift focus to some of those other parts of yourself when you are feeling this way? Or is there something else that is helpful? 

Be kind to yourselves tonight - you deserve it 💜

[Judi9877]

Good evening @Eve7 @TAB @Appleblossom @hanami @Former-Member and everyone joining me here in the jungle.Thank you for all of your kind words and support regarding my previous post. I’m really sorry if I upset or caused any potential triggers from my post to anyone. I was just venting and felt angry with my housemate and other issues and felt that this was a safe place to get it all out. I have now calmed down after working on my knitted blanket just for me for a period of time and I feel a lot better mentally for taking the time out to do this.

I realise that body image is a controversial topic and that how I look shouldn’t impact on who I am as a person and that is something I have to remember. I know I’m more than just looks to people and the people who care and support me realise this as well. I’m creative, caring, supportive, friendly, polite, responsible, knowledgeable, intelligent, resourceful, resilient, tough, strong, interesting, independent, unique, funny, quirky as a person and most of all, there’s no one quite like me either which makes me one of a kind and that’s what makes me special. Yes, I have mental illness but that’s only one part of me and not who I am fully as a person. Having mental illness issues has taught me many things, like how strong and resourceful I can be as well as given me the ability to be creative as well as I’ve noticed that I really like knitting and have been able to use that skill in my free time to knit blankets and beanies for charity which is a great thing. I’ve also learnt how to crochet in my early days with my mental illness and that’s allowed me to make blankets for myself and for others which is a great thing to be able to do, especially when I was going through a tough period in March and was able to pick up a crochet hook and start a blanket to remind me of the period I was going through. Having a crochet hook in my coping toolkit also came in handy during the recent PARCS admission in June when I struggled with a few issues so I picked up the hook and used it to start yet another blanket for myself in pastel colours. Having skills such as knitting and crochet have opened up lots of doors to conversations with lots of people in real life and online via social media platforms and I feel lucky and grateful for being able to do this as I may not have spoken to these people otherwise so that’s something to be proud of. I may not be the most attractive person in the world but I do know that I won’t freeze as long as I’ve got some wool and some knitting needles or a crochet hook nearby so I can make blankets or a jumper with 😂🧶!

I’ve come to realise on my mental health journey that sometimes I can be very harsh and judgemental towards myself and be my own worst enemy and that’s not a great way to be as a person. My old psychologist told me that I need to love who I am as a person and know that I’m not like anyone else in the world and that’s what makes me special and unique yet equally wonderful as a person. That’s hard at times to remember but it’s true and I now know in hindsight from my previous post that I can see and accept this. I’m feeling happy now - calm, content and relaxed even- and that’s important in a lot of ways. Having mental illness can cloud my judgment at times like it did earlier and I have learnt this and know that it’s just part of an emotion and that the emotion will pass and things will get better along with my perspective of the thing I was focused on. It’s just who I am and what I have to deal with so I’m cool with that. 

If there’s 1 thing I want to say and remember from this episode, that’s this: I’m unique and special and being upset is okay but there’s a time and place for it and sometimes, I forget where I am and can cause people to be upset which I’m sorry for in relation to the topic in general. All of us are special and unique and wonderful humans with lots of special gifts and talents. I’m grateful to have each and everyone of you in the forums as a friend and I value your opinions and responses highly so thank you for reading this and responding where appropriate. In ending this, I shall quote Taylor Swift by saying this: You can’t spell ‘AWESOME’ without ‘ME’ and that’s what I hope you realise as I certainly have tonight. 

Take care and stay safe forumites☺️!

Judi9877☺️💐⭐️🧶

[TAB]

Hope you're feeling better @Judi9877  

no one is perfect People are people. 
Its ok to get angry. Then deal with things. And move on. Its normal 

[outlander]

@Judi9877 thinking of you and hoping your ok

[Judi9877]

Hello @outlander @TAB @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @MDT @Eve7 @maddison @Snowie @Former-Member @FloatingFeather @tyme @Former-Member @Paperdaisy @yellowcorgi @Former-Member and all forumites joining me this afternoon here in the jungle. Long time, no write for me- sorry!

Basically, things have been kind of mixed for me in the world that is my jungle. I’ve had periods of feeling down and not into doing much and being bored along with the odd bouts of psychosis due to stress in my life. On the other hand, I’ve also had some good periods as well such as finally going back and enrolling in a mental health course with a different educational provider which starts tomorrow online for 12 months, give or take the classes I need to attend due to credits from other courses I’ve previously started but never finished. I’m hoping to make this the last attempt at this said course as I really want to get a job in mental health and try and put my experiences to good use so fingers crossed I have the motivation to complete this course! In Victoria, the government is saying that there will be lots of jobs in mental health as it’s a much under resourced area and there are a need for mental health workers in the field so I’m hoping to secure a job at the end of the course. I do know that there are some areas of mental health that need work and changes such as how people receive help and get the support they need so hopefully I can get a job in that area. I think I’d like to work in a residential setting as well but those jobs are difficult to get so I’d take anything that comes just to get some experience in the field to be honest. At least working here on the forums gives me some experience in mental health as a Community Guide which I’ve done done for the past 2 years and I really enjoy this work so that’s got to count as experience which I’m hoping is a good thing when it comes to employment later on.

Over the past week, I’ve been working on the skills of being patient and tolerant and learning not to rush onto new things when it comes to my knitting. The local community centre requires baby blankets which I found out about through a knitting group I’m a member of so that’s a new goal of mine to do, however, I’ve had to remind myself that I have an adult blanket I’m in the process of knitting which needs to be done so I’ve had to remind myself to focus on that and then start the baby blanket as soon as it’s completed. I’ve been setting goals to complete the adult blanket by aiming for a certain amount of knitting each day and each week as a way of keeping me motivated and although it’s been hard at times, I’m slowly getting there. Yesterday was hard as all I needed to do was knit 30 cms to finish 1 strip of the blanket and it seemed to take forever but I got there in the end which was an achievement in itself as I spent part of the day sleeping and not doing much at all since it was hot here in Melbourne and has been for the last few days including today. My goal is to get the blanket done by the end of the month - 4 more strips of 120 cms long and another 3 strips for a border- do then I can start working on the baby blanket for my new community centre charity and start making more of them as I’m going to take a break from my usual charity until the start of the new year. 

As for other stuff, I’ve had some issues with my case manager who has trouble scheduling in appointments with me and getting things done which has been frustrating to say the least. I’m hoping to limit contact with her in future as I don’t see the benefits of the role in regards to my mental health treatment as she struggled to organise things for me that I need. I’ve also learnt that I’m a lot stronger mentally within myself as I haven’t had the want or need to contact my psychologist since July and I see that as being a good thing for me. The same goes for being in need of hospital treatment or going to PARCS as well with me handling my mental health issues well enough on my own using my various coping mechanisms and skills and resources, including the use of crochet and cross stitching as well as knitting which have been invaluable to me and my mental health along with other resources. I feel okay within myself and that’s a good thing. I’ve learnt not to try and react when things get bad or hard to deal with by taking time away from people and social media outlets and I’ve been working on trying some mindfulness activities as well including breathing exercises and staying in the moment. The knowledge of urge surfing has also been relevant and effective in my life as well as I know that bad things will reach a peak snd soon pass and that good things will come soon.

Thanks for reading this entry! Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

[TAB]

Wishing you wll the best @Judi9877