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07-04-2020 03:33 PM
07-04-2020 03:33 PM
Imposter syndrome
Have you ever wondered "when will they figure it out?", "I am really not the best person for this"..."I am not good enough".
i think this everyday.
On paper I am the right person for the job, I'm also ironically quite good in person at pretending to be successful, personable and connected both socially and professionally. This is all superficial, I have masked many many things in my life, even down to reciprocal emotions. I'm not a sociopath, I just don't feel anymore, so I pretend.
I have always been on the absolute edge of running away, making an excuse, disappearing, isolating myself, starting again or just stop it all together...
I fight with my inner conscience to keep trudging forward, like I have weights in my pockets and cement in my shoes. People depend on me or at least they need to use me, my skills, my empathy, in order to feel hope in their lives and keep moving forward. I feel hypocritical as I find it hard to even get out of bed in the morning. I feel like I've been all used up, it's embarrassing to admit.
My job is rewarding, I help others to advocate for themselves, but ironically I have lost the art of being able to do this for myself both personally and professionally.
I have this raw pain inside me every day, it hurts almost like heart burn or angina ... it's not .. I even got it checked out by several awkward ambulance encounters, who all asked the one question "do you get anxious?".
I worry incessantly about criticism.
I grew up within a broken family with a highly critical mother whom suffered herself and consequently ended up using me as her sounding board, her target practice, the dart board for her to aim at and if she's lucky she nabs the bullseye and put another notch in my psyche. We don't talk much anymore.
I have several new mental health labels that are all new weights added to my pockets as I trudge forward.
im on here to see if anyone experiences imposter syndrome, who feels they can't leave their life because they've been pretending so long anyway that's it's not really theirs to leave. Probably won't make sense but feeling very alone. Seeking connection.
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08-04-2020 09:28 AM
08-04-2020 09:28 AM
Re: Imposter syndrome
Hey @Keep_going I am sorry to hear of the pain you're feeling. Can definitely empathise with that feeling of fake it 'til you make it. It sounds like maybe you're a bit emotionally exhausted? And are exeriencing a slight numbness from everything. You're not alone and we all hear you here I think many people here relate to imposter syndrome, when you don't feel safe as a child, the framework for our adult lives can be trickier to navigate. Then in turn, we do our best to fit into the structural norms of society, but with adverse experiences in childhood; it's hard to truly feel integrated sometimes. How are you feeling today since posting?
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08-04-2020 09:29 AM
08-04-2020 09:29 AM
Re: Imposter syndrome
Just wanted to check too @Keep_going this has been posted in the carers forum, did you want us to move this to the lived experience forum so you can get a bit more foot traffic?