Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Comeback]

I'm a first timer here and I'm struggling even with the concept of reaching out. I'm normally a strong, confident, successful person, but am feeling very much alone and vulnerable right now. <br><br>My partner of 23 years is having a manic episode. It's the second he's had. The first one was four years ago and happened quite quickly and without warning (although with hindsight and awareness it was probably weeks in the making). He was scheduled by Police after causing a scene at our local shops.<br><br>He was diagnosed as having hashimotos disease, an autoimune disease of the thyroid. He was put onto thyroxine and we were told that they did not expect a relapse as long as he kept taking the thyroxine.<br><br>We are now probably close to 4 weeks of escalation. He's completely destroyed his professional reputation and that of our business, he's spent over $20,000 of money we don't have on random things, he's registering with online dating sites, he talks at a million miles an hour, can't sit still, hardly sleeping, telling untruths (delusional) about lots of things, thinks he's some sort of financial advisor/guru, social media frenzy directed to professional associates which are libelous or don't make sense, has tried to sell the house and is very agitated and agressive and verbally very abusive to me and others. <br><br>I've had the acute team out twice, his GP has had the acute team out and they refuse to hospitalize him because he's not showing them any signs that he's a physical danger to himself or me. He's being very cunning and manipulative. I now feel as though I'm wasting their time if I call them again. <br><br>I managed to get him to a psychiatrist last week where he was told point blank that he was manic and needed meds. He refused because he "feels great". He blatantly lied to the psychiatrist many times (I sat in on the appointment). He's refusing to get a blood test for his thyroid levels and he's continuing to escalate. <br><br>I know that he is not his usual self, and that what he is doing is not the real him. I'm so incredibly frustrated and feel let down by the mental health system. I don't understand why the damage he is causing to his reputation and our company, or our finances doesn't count as "harm".<br><br>I love him dearly, and I can rationalize his current behavior in the context of an illness, but I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. He feels on top of the world and yet I'm the one falling apart. It's breaking my heart to see him like this and knowing the damage it's causing. <br><br>I'm starting to think that it's time I start protecting myself emotionally, physically and financially, but I feel as though I'm being selfish in doing so and betraying him. I'm worried if I do protect myself it will spell the end of our relationship. And even if I did want to get out, he's spent every cent we have and then some, so I'm feeling very stuck and very alone. <br><br>This current episode had been coming for a while with his work stress, but the tipping point was three weeks ago when his brother tried to smash his way into our home wanting to harm us. It was a terrifying ordeal for us both, and we've both responded very differently. The court case is on Tuesday...and my fear is that this will be the point of no return. He has no other support from his parents (elderly and divorced) and his only other sibling passed away 15 years ago in tragic circumstances as a result of schizophrenia. <br><br>We've been through a hell of a lot together in 23 years, but I fear this is the end of the road...and it breaks my heart even thinking that's my only option left...when what I really want is for him to get better and come back. <br>

[EmJay]

Hello @Comeback

Welcome to the Carer Forums. Reaching out for help when you feel so alone and venerable is difficult but I really commend you for reaching out and hopefully you can have this space to feel understood and heard.

It can be so challenging when someone you love and care for is experiencing the symptoms of mental illness, and knowing how to get help for them can be confusing and sometimes very frustrating.

It sounds like you have really tried to do everything in your power to help your partner and from what I can see you are doing all the right things.

The mental health system is far from perfect and it seems in your situation it is failing you and your partner. It is really disappointing to read that your partner is so unwell and spending all of the money you have and even ruining his reputation and nothing seems to be able to be done for him.

I know that you feel you are wasting the time of the acute team but please do persist if you feel they should attend and continue to stress the point that he is damaging his reputation to them in hopes they will be able to intervene at some point.

It is important that you get all the support that you can through this terribly difficult time. It can often be helpful for carers to link in with a psychologist themselves. Seeing a psychologist will give you time to talk about what is going on and what it is like for you. They may also be able to give you some strategies to help you help your partner.

Access to psychologist services has become more affordable since Medicare offered a rebate under the 'Mental Health Care Plan'. A rebate means that Medicare will cover a portion of the cost of a visit to the psychologist. In order to access this rebate you will need a referral from a GP. Although you will need a referral to access the Medicare rebate you can still research a psychologist that you wish to see and simply provide your GP with those details. Finding a psychologist that you feel comfortable with is very important and you may need to do a bit of research before finding the right one, this is normal so you should not feel discouraged if you do not get it right the first time. 

You can search for your own psychologist through the Australian Psychological Society, details below:

Australian Psychological Society

Telephone: 1800 333 497 (national)

Available Hours: Mon-Frid 8.45am - 5.15pm 

Website: http://www.psychology.org.au

You may also find it useful to contact a support agency that specifically caters to carers/family members of those who are mentally ill:

ARAFMI (Association of Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill)

Telephone: 1800 655 198 (non-metro) or (02) 9332 0700 (General, metro)

Website: www.arafmi.org

You may also like to read these two post here and here  as you may identify with some of the other carers stories. @Cazzieis also caring for her partner who didn’t have much insight into what was going on for him and may be able to offer you some advice.

Please keep us updated on what is going on for you.

EmJay

[Linmerc]

Hi Comeback
My heart really goes out to you in this difficult time as I have been in a similar situation. I believe you have done everything possible to help your partner in his time of need. Please persist with calling the acute team and be forceful as he may need to be medicated and hospitalised.

As unfortunate and difficult as it might be sometimes 'tough' decisions need to be made to protect yourself both financially and mentally. Could you imagine yourself living like this for the next five years?

I believe you have realised what you need to do but are reluctant to make the final big step, which is never easy. If you are thinking clearly and you have had enough of this situation ( no matter how heartbreaking) you will find the strength and courage to move on. You deserve to be happy.

I really feel your pain.
Linmerc

[Linmerc]

Hi comeback

I was just wondering how your situation is going. How was the outcome of the court case? Remember you are not alone at this time of need.

Stay strong
Linmerc

[hopeandsupport]

don't feel guilty, protect yourself, he has an illness that you can't fix, you're not a doctor.  i know you love him but there is only so much you can do.  save yourself or you will end up in hospital.  my husband had a personality disorder, i put up with it for years, i am now financially dependent and wish i had done things differently, like leaving him earlier in our marriage.  if your husband won't get help there's not much you can do. he's sapping your strength.  i would leave him and go stay with family or friends. good luck.

[Comeback]

A lot has happened since my initial post...yet nothing has happened. His brother pleaded guilty to all charges and was given a suspended sentence and a fine. We now have a final AVO in place for 12 months. We have to go back to court on 30 June for the magistrate to hear costs for the damage to fix our house. Meanwhile my partner continues to escalate. It's now been 4 weeks of being manic. It's making me physically sick. I've lost 7kgs and I've put my recovery from back surgery back months. I feel physically sick all the time. I finally contacted is mum today. I should have done it earlier because I found out he's been playing the two of us off against each other. So at least now she knows what's going on. I've spent the entire day being verbally abused by him (and it's been like this for weeks). It's starting to wear me down. I've got contact details for a solicitor of my own and now need to take the next step to call. I have a great GP and he's organized for me to speak with a psychologist under the mental health care plan. My first appointment is tomorrow and I hope she'll be able to give me some better coping strategies. Perhaps I'm still in denial but I am still a little hopeful that he'll get better and things will return to "normal". At least now I am standing up to him and telling him that I won't engage with him when he's being abusive and walk away. It makes him mad, but strangely gives me strength. I wish for the roller coaster ride to end!
Thanks for the responses. They have been really helpful in knowing I'm not alone and that I've got some tough decisions ahead to make.

[Attahua]

Hi comeback, I have been watching and reading your post for awhile now and have been wanting to respond but as I don't have any answers I feel my post would not be helpful.....but tonight after reading your last post I thought I would just let you know what I do when my partner who has schizoeffective disorder starts to go off track. It is so so difficult in the early stages as their behaviour can be almost normal if you didn't know better....what I mean by that is my partner has done things like fill lots of containers full of petrol , hundreds of dollars worth because he believed there was going yo be a time when there would be no fuel for awhile etc etc....almost believable but because I know him I know this type of talk and behaviour is an early warning sign.... it then esculates....it always esculates as this is a disease and without medication they do not suddenly get better so his next strange out of character action would be to suddenly accuse me of having an affair etc.....then next he storms out of the house and takes the car.... I generally call the police as they have the power to take him to the hospital.... However that is my next battle as he presents well so it is hard trying to convince the police that if they don't take him there and then I can assure them that in a few hours they will be back looking for a missing person (my partner) out bush as this is where he runs when Unwell !!! It breaks my heart calling them to come and get him , reason I call them and not the mental health team is nine times out of ten this happens on a weekend !!! Plus I have rung the team when I spot the early early warning signs and I get fobbed off as they say they are under staffed and will be a week before they can come out Now THAT IS INSANE and so unbelievably frustrating as if they intervened earlier when I have asked then the rest of the stuff including hospitalisation against my partner's will could be avoided!!!! As for the money, I totally understand and it's tricky!!! Are you able to open a separate account? It's tricky like I said and I only 'hide'our money in an account he can't acces when he is in hospital as its by then that he thinks he owns all the money in the world and wants to share it with all the other people in hospital who also own all the money in the world!!!! I just totally feel for you as clearly your hubby is unwell and needs help, GPs can have patients detained I thought!!! It is awful I know but your hubby won't see that there is anything wrong in his current state of mind but when he does recover ( which in my experience is only after hospitalisation and correct level of meds) he will feel terrible about what he has spent etc. What I usually do too is keep receipts of everything I spend, I just stick them in a big scrap book) so that when he is out of hospital and asks where all the money has gone I am able to show what I have spent do he then has to take some accountability for his movements during his mania!!!! Like I said, i don't have any answers but can only go by my own experiences and how I deal with each stage!!! Such a cruel disease and really really difficult for families...and yes it can be a deal breaker as a person can only take so much. Just remember though that he is currently very unwell. You were so right when u said its a roller coaster, that's exactly how I refer to the experience too. I have to admit that I have told my partner that he needs to do everything within his power to stay well this year as I don't think I would have the strength to go through another episode this year....for us the pattern is every two years but my partner goes off his meds usually and gets sick. He can't now as he is on a community treatment order so is required by law to have a depot, unfortunately his GP has just reduced his meds without the psychiatrist's input do I am not at all happy and feel helpless to do anything. Hence saying that I hope he does everything in his power to stay well!!!! Anyway, best of luck and I will watch this space to see how you are getting on x

[Linmerc]

Hi Comeback

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear about the AVO and that he will have to make restitution in the coming months.

Sorry to hear your husband is still manic.

Verbal abuse from anyone is not acceptable and I'm glad you are not prepared to take it by walking away. It's empowering. Glad to hear you are seeing a professional and have a contact number to a solicitor. I'm sure they will help you and give advice. Is his mum willing to help?

Who knows when the roller coaster will end.

In the meantime, stay strong and look after yourself, first.

Linmerc

[Comeback]

Can I ask how you managed to get the community treatment order? I've tried everything to get him into hospital but keep getting told that they can't do anything because he's not posing a physical threat to himself or me. I still find it hard to believe that this is the case. Surely it's way too late then? Surely it's in the best interest of the person who is unwell to have them treated?? Surely it's also in the best interest of our community and emergency services too to get them help before things get out of hand. Does anyone else feel as though the mental health act has gone too far the other way in "protecting" the unwell?? Seems to completely ignore the elephant in the room - the mental and other health impacts that unwell people have on their carers and their families. Doesn't seem fair.

[Comeback]

For the first time last night I told him his verbally abusive behavior is NOT OK. You are right - it was empowering. His mother is a different story. She is now putting pressure on me to lie to police to have him scheduled. I told her that I flatly refuse to do this. Then tonight she told me that the brother had told her that someone we know (name withheld) had called the police on him today because of his behavior. I contacted them and they told me that that hadn't heard from from my partner since Wednesday. So now I can't trust anyone in his family. I get that his mum is concerned about him and wants to see him in hospital to get the treatment he's refusing but I don't think telling lies helps anyone. She's also suggested I crush his meds up and give them to him without knowing. Once again I refuse to do this. I had a wonderful Grandfather who instilled in me a very strong moral compass. He taught me that only I am responsible for my own actions and decisions and I am the only one who has to live with my conscience. So, while I'm feeling more alone than ever in that respect, I also feel more together after having my first appointment with the psychologist. We've agreed that if things don't change one way or the other then I need to make a decision about, and take control of my own happiness. It's finally sinking in - I have been a victim of domestic abuse (now and in the past)...I just don't have the bruises to show. That in itself is massive because I've never considered myself in that way and I know that's got to change. Baby steps.