Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

very interesting @Former-Member 

I go through all those emotions at different stages of eveyday , everyone does

very true that it is what you do with theses emotions

also depends on how you feel , what you see on television , what you read in books , what other people say etc

Like mum , she wants me to buy her " better homes and Gardens" but she said yesterday that the book makes her feel sad because of the beautiful gardens

Like Mr shaz , he shows lack of emotions which i find hard at times

needing to encourge him, love him ,

I think it is fair to say that for most of us, our own emotional health has in some ways been compromised at some point and it is important to acknowledge that caring is or has been at times emotionally draining. I know for myself I was always stoic and found it hard to acknowledge and sit with feelings of grief, loneliness and helplessness.--- very true @Former-Member 

@Scoo, @FindingStrength , @Sophie1 , @Appleblossom , @Former-Member , @Boo13 , @Jay-e 

[Former-Member]

There are a couple of points that are emerging, one being our emotional wellness in a crisis, the other being emotional wellness as a caregiver.

When MI first enters our world, which may or may not be in the form of a crisis, we are generally unprepared and find that we are often using unhealthy coping mechanisms.  As MI is cyclical, it makes sense to have our own action plan as to the things we can do when things start to go down hill for those we care for. I think we all understand the need for safety precautions, whether it be large companies having safety plans and contingency arrangements down to the more personal safety needs of a life jacket, flares and other safety equipment when going out on a boat. The Scout motto of "being prepared" comes to mind.   As a caregiver, times of crisis will involve extra stress as we are often not only concerned for the safety and well being of our loved one but might have additional unpleasant behaviours to deal with. In addition to doctors and/or hospital visits there might be children or pets to be cared for, extra domestic duties, extra travel or living away from home expenses and the list goes on.  Being aware of these and having a plan of action can help reduce some of the stresses around a crisis. Knowing what needs to be done and having a plan in place will help reduce some of the stresses around this.  We all have some degree of brain freeze when faced with emergency situations and what matters is the speed at which we recover from this and get our action plans underway. In a crisis we cannot do all the things we would usually do in maintaining all dimensions of our emotional wellness. 

In a 2017 study on The Emotional Well-Being of Nurses and Nurse Leaders in Crisis found that training before a disaster helped nurse responders develop a plan for their personal responsibilities so they could focus on the mission on hand... and ...the time to start training is not when the disaster occurs. In a chaotic environment, most nurses will not have the necessary reserves to begin learning new concepts ... They also found that even after a disaster has initially been resolved and it may actually be during the postcrisis period that nurse responders need the most emotional support. 

I found the need for post crisis care interesting; it appears necessary even when we have coped well during a crisis. Just as post surgical care is necessary for recovery to be deemed successful post operatively, we too need to attend to post crisis emotional care. Once the adrenaline rush has stopped and things get back to the new normal we can feel quite flat. From a personal point of view I know that once Mr D's crisis from a psychiatric view had passed, I fell apart. I am grateful for the supports I had in place as well as the ones I accessed post crisis that helped me get through and get back on track.  At an appropriate time once the dust has settled, it is prudent to review the situation and learn lessons from what we did well and what we could do better and how we can be better prepared should the situation recur. Having a counsellor guide me through this was most helpful and I think regular reviews are necessary so that the plan is clear in our mind, ready to activate should the need arise.

The stresses of being a carer are well documented along with the need for us to do what is necessary to help protect our own mental health. 

Recognising the grief and loss that comes with caring and being brutally honest about my/our new reality helped with my emotional wellness.   I am certainly coping heaps and am slowly implementing the recommended strategies.

 I think that we often look at the charts and suggestions of coping skills and think that a lot of the ideas are fluffy and not very helpful but most are linked to the dimensions of wellness and utilise the coping skills that help us get through. I know for me once I got a true understanding of what self care is all about it then made total sense.

@Scoo , hearing you re: medical matters.  Mr Darcy is most uncomfortable with anything to do with them. The last time I had a day stay I had to remind him about not leaving me on my own for the documented time frame as well as gently and with a bit of humour let him know what help I needed. Am thinking next time I need anything doing it would be wise to see if I can arrange for a family member or friend to visit to give him a break after the initial 24 hour period. 

references

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28263272

https://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/emotional-emergencies-how-to-survive-a-crisis.html

 https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://www.carersnsw.org.au/Assets/Files/unreco...

[Jay-e]

@Former-Member @Shaz51 @Scoo @FindingStrength @Sophie1 the post crisis care really resonates... Well actually lots of points do but because I'm playing catch-up with all the wonderful posts and reading them all at once, that's the bit that sticks out most.

I often feel quite numb and flat following a crisis, and had begun to wonder whether it was depression or whether it was about being unhappy on my relationship with MsJ. On reflection, times of crisis were certainly not a highlight but the relationship is still fundamentally good so as I do, I tended to make it my fault - if my own mental health was better I would cope better.

But post crisis care seems like such a logical and simple concept, but one I hadn't considered at those times! 

Thanks as always for the enlightenment and for everyone's input!

[Carlachris]

I have lived my life in a way that has always been gentle on the earth. I grew up in the Hawksbury River at Wiseman's Ferry. We moved to a beautiful part of the Yarra Valley 30 yrs ago. I'm at home in the mountains rainforests and creekbeds playing with the kids who are grown but now our dogs. The peace And quiet and beauty of Nathure have largely made our lives and others happy. We are surrounded by the green and fresh air.

The city makes me shudder.
We love the ocean as the love of my life hubby grew up on the other side of Victoria by the ocean in Warrnambool. Scuba diving with his dad who was a happy influence in his life. My garden and large fishpond are a joy when being so completely isolated comes into play. Sitting with my guitar playing cat Stevens or Carly Simon classics with a cuppa is my idea of who I am. Drawing painting and sewing also come to me sometimes just listening to the Kookaburras.

all these things cost us nothing. We are safe we are lucky to be financially secure. Environment plays a huge role in recovery. But can also become extremely reclusive when my hubby is in crisis. His paranoia does not allow for friendships or even small associations. Even a quick mobility scooter ride to town if longer than 30 mins can cause an episode of mistrust and accusations. Environment can help but can also hinder when no help is within reach.

[Shaz51]

I often feel quite numb and flat following a crisis, and had begun to wonder whether it was depression ---- @Jay-e , you  wrote this , I can say that you are having a carers burnout 

we have a thread all about it , 

when i find it I will tag you if you like 

hello @Former-Member , @Carlachris , @Scoo , @FindingStrength , @Appleblossom 

very interesting @Former-Member 

 I tended to make it my fault - @Jay-e , I have done this many time my friend , I am getting better but still have times when i think I have not done enough 

[FindingStrength]

Thanks again everyone for sharing. Emotions are so intrinsically linked with thoughts/beliefs & I find after a crisis they can easily begin to spiral in the wrong direction. Interesting that there is much discussion these days on the sub-conscious mind & how that is in charge 95% of the time in our daily life! So, all those things we don't even realise we're thinking can affect both our mental & emotional health.... 

I went to counselling on Thursday & we went through a bit of a checklist, which overlapped somewhat with the dimensions we've been discussing. Something that I didn't expect was about safety - Emotional Safety. 

I could see right away that post crisis, I don't feel emotionally safe & the fears in my mind about 'what if' make it worse. So, this is something we're going to explore some more - Invite any reflections on this from others - AND I'm starting the Family Connections course next week, so hoping this will help me to "BE prepared!"

Meanwhile, have reduced as much of the un-necessary commitments for a while to just give myself some down time, paying attention to nature and reading a novel to distract myself. Oh, also taking some extra herbal supplements as I find this helps.

Wishing all a grace filled week. 

@Former-Member @Shaz51 @Carlachris @Jay-e @Scoo 

[Carlachris]

Post crisis for hubby is very releasing from his torments. Post crisis for me is loss of trust and fear for when it all kicks off again. I have past the point of "what if I make it worse". It's not me making things worse it is my husbands MI making life impossible.

I have never blamed my husband for having MI but I Think he should take some of the responsibility for his own well-being.

I personally don't agree with be prepared as it keeps me in a constant state of not if but when will it happen again. I can't be the MI bodyguard anymore. My downtime is also completely shadowed by my husbands multiple problems. He is becoming agrophobic and I'm too tired to pick him up. I will eventually as we always do for the ones we love.

Being prepared involves being alert to everything unfortunately as hubby is off his meds a choice he made without me everything that triggers or is of concern is EVERYTHING. 

I reached out for help from his Phsych via email and was told to buy a book!!! My hubby knows so we have now become the enemy. A journey towards getting him back onto medications has begun but so far not going to happen.

it helps to be in nature but I am unable to prepare for the unknown sometimes it's just to big.

[Former-Member]

Really good insights and points of view being made, we are really just scratching the surface.  Thank you to those who have contributed thus far  @Carlachris  @FindingStrength   @Shaz51   @Jay-e  @Scoo @Appleblossom @Boo13   @Sophie1   @Former-Member 

Today we move on to our next topic Social Wellness 

Social wellness can be defined as being able to interact positively with people around us. It involves using good communication skills, having meaningful relationships, respecting oneself and others, and having a support system of friends and family. 

Human beings are social creatures.Our relationships can offer support during difficult times. Social wellness involves building healthy, nurturing and supportive relationships as well as fostering a genuine connection with those around you.  Our connection to others enables us to survive and thrive. Research has shown that people who do have healthy relationships and good support systems have better overall mood, deal better with stress and actually have increased self-esteem. Social relationships have just as much impact on physical well – being as other wellness factors, such as, physical activity, overweight / obesity, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, heart disease and smoking.   

It is important to practice and participate in social wellness through all stages of life in order to develop and maintain healthy relationships and friendships. Social isolation and loneliness have been identified as a growing, legitimate health concern and they are risk factors for poor aging outcomes, subsequently there have been initiatives that encourage seniors to participate in activities which keep them physically and emotionally well. These include doing things that keep them socially connected to others and in community.  Today, social wellness can be more and more difficult to achieve due to technology and social media. However, it is vital we give social wellness positive attention.

I will highlight volunteering, which for many reasons has been shown to be an excellent way to improve social wellness and I have found this to be true for myself. 

A more detailed definition of social wellness I came across included: 

• Development of assertiveness skills not passive or aggressive ones.
• Balancing social and personal time.
• The ability to be who you are in all situations.
• Becoming engaged with other people in your community.
• Valuing diversity and treat others with respect.
• Continually being able to maintain and develop friendships and social networks.
• The ability to create boundaries within relationship boundaries that encourage communication, trust and conflict management.
• Remembering to have fun.
• Having supportive network of family and friends.

I noticed that in this chart it refers to social wellness as "responsible communication"  and it  appears that honing ones communication skills is vital to social wellness. 

 Communicating clearly helps you manage your time and your life, to feel good about yourself, and to build trustworthy relationships with others.  This involves:

Listening to one another: in a non-judgmental way and value each other’s opinions. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other’s emotions.

Being open:  Don’t assume something is happening for someone else or wait for others to try to guess what is going on with you.  Learn how to express your needs in a non-demanding way.

Maintaining your own identity: In a healthy relationship, both parties need to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities that you love. You should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward with your life.

Being honest and trustworthy: Honesty goes hand in hand with trust. It is almost impossible to trust someone when one of you isn’t being honest.

Being supportive: In a healthy relationship, friends are there with a shoulder to cry on but also to celebrate the good times. People in healthy relationships try not to judge, criticize or blame each other because we are all human and capable of making mistakes.

Here are some social wellness tips - I am sure they apply to blokes as much as they do for women - as you can see they are again integrated with the other dimensions of wellness.

[Shaz51]

 @FindingStrength   @Jay-e  @Scoo @Appleblossom @Boo13   @Sophie1   @Carer101 , @Carlachris , @Owlunar , @Faith-and-Hope , @eth 

Very interesting @Former-Member 

you have covered a lot in this and to think about it, I can say I have no friends but then if i go anywhere everyone will stop and say hello to me , but then is when the friendship stops 

mr shaz does not like people visiting as he feels he is being judged -- which this has happened in the past by one of my friends , she has not come to visit again in 13 years 

thinking about this more , and will come back after xxx

[Scoo]

@Shaz51  When I look at the contributions you make to this forum you are exactly the type of person I would love to be my friend. So I am really glad to have met you in this online friendship world.
@Former-Member @Carlachris @FindingStrength @Jay-e 

There have been many factors that have shaped me as a social being. Due to my mother's MI and dad being on the "spectrum" they rarely socialised. So social wellness was not role modelled to me growing up. Mum used to tell us kids that she didn't have time for friends because she had 4 children. I developed social anxiety as a teenager and I had very few friends. However as an adult I worked hard on social wellness as I didn't want to be isolated like my parents and I wanted to be a better role model to my children. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and made friends through playgroup, then work, church and more recently volunteer work. I don't do hospitality well so we don't have a lot of visitors to our house. Hubby wouldn't have any friends I don't think if it wasn't for my encouragement. He is happy to take my lead and jokes that I am the events planner in the relationship. 
I set boundaries so that hubby and I are not out of balance with work - rest - play (so to speak) eg saying no to invitations if we are too tired or over committed. We generally don't go out on weeknights or Sunday nights due to having full time jobs. I know that sounds quite rigid but it works well for both of us, and our friends have gotten used to us saying no and are very respectful.  
The only other thing I would say is quality of friendship not quantity of friends is important to hubby and I nowadays. Having shared values etc