Struggling with bipolar partner and relationship counselling etc etc

[SJT63]

@Bipolarcarer 

are you still in that relationship? I dream of being able to end mine. I long for it like some forbidden fruit. Things aren't even that bad at the moment - it's not all day, every day - now the dogs of war are only unleashed once or twice a week but I am SO VERY TIRED of it. 

"Everything's fine" he says "please don't be afraid of me" and just as you start to relax after the last one  you suddenly you get woken up at 1 in the morning and castigated over some trivial misdemeanor. Then of course I can't come up with the justifications for my actions quickly enough to appease him and that makes it worse. 

And I can't end it. Or rather, I don't want to give him my house.

In May of 2020 the body corp at his units cut down a tree in his courtyard and since then he has been unable to stay at his own place - about 50km the other side of the capital from mine. If he were to go back I've been promised someone would be seriously hurt; maybe him maybe the man who made it happen, so my only way out of this is to move out of my own home. A home I've been paying off since 12 years before I even met him.

His place is a long way from my main job and my side hustle which is focused on my local area. I did say once that perhaps I should go and stay at his for a while to give us both a break but then the gaslighting starts - I'm unbalanced or deranged and I need to see a professional. I think what he really means is who will cook.

I stay with him because it's my house and he stays because of my house and the comfort it provides. He is smart enough to know that if he ever got proper physical with me I'd be able to justify having him removed.

If he loved me .... and I know he thinks he does..... but if he could love someone he surely wouldn't be so cruel to them.

[pinemushroom]

Hi @SJT63,

Sounds like you've been in a challenging relationship for quite a while, and you're feeling stuck due to your living situation with your partner. Just wanting to make sure you've got access to the right supports while you're going through this. Please reach out to 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) if you'd like to speak to someone about your relationship. Take care 🙂

[Shaz51]

hello @1Freckles , @Powderfinger , @Bipolarcarer , @pinemushroom 

how are you going @Bipolarcarer 

ohhh @SJT63 sending you lots of hugs my friend , please tag me whenever xoxo

[SJT63]

@Shaz51  you know how every so often you are just worn down by it and you run out of cope-ability?

that's me right now. I had a long chat with Mr S's elderly father this morning who is always very supportive. He is prepared to help me financially if I have to leave my own house to get away from his son - which is very kind. Part of me completely understands why Mr can't go back to his own place, but another part of me is very resentful at being put in the position where the only way I can get out is to give him my house.

Of course, in a perfect world he would treat me with respect and dignity and I wouldn't keep getting to the point where  I can't cope. Do I want to do this for another 25 years?

[tyme]

Hi @SJT63 ,

I'm not sure of the exact context as I haven't been following, but is there a way you can support him to find his own accomodation? Surely, as it is your house?

Sorry, if I'm completely off track.

tyme

[SJT63]

@tyme 

Yeah completely off track. 

He owns outright a townhouse at the opposite end of our capital city and we used to stay together at weekends and the odd weeknight - sometimes mine and sometimes his, depending on whether he had the boys or not. It was working because I could take time out when his moods became too volatile.

In March 2020 we decided it would be easier if he locked down with me and we took one of his almost adult sons and their mother kept the other. (my kids are proper adults and living their own lives)

In May of 2020, while he was with me his Body Corporate entered his rear courtyard and removed a tree which they had been asking him to prune for at least 2 years (as long as I'd known him).

He is now - 2 years later - still triggered by any mention of his own house and is inconsolably angry at being "violated"  and will then spend days plotting elaborate revenge fantasies. If he ever had to go back there, someone would be hurt - himself or another I cannot say.

I could move in there - get the internet and power put on... but it's twice as far from my work (using a $10 a day toll road) and I also have a home based business focused on my local area so me moving there isn't quite as simple as it sounds.

[Bipolarcarer]

@SJT63Sorry for my slow reply I tend to fade in and out of the forum..

"are you still in that relationship?"

Yes I am.

"I dream of being able to end mine. I long for it like some forbidden fruit."

I have tried multiple times, last time was a few months ago (as I reported here) which then leads to plenty of arguing over her expectations of what I should provide her to get by without me supporting her. Then she will demand we go back to relationship counselor, then of course the counselor just convinces me to look at how far we came etc

It's very hard as I have this cognitive dissonance that on one hand I don't deserve even the sporadic abusive outbursts, or a partner that smokes cones/dope all day everyday (when she is not at work) but on the other she is unwell underneath it all which drives these behaviors in part etc.. It is also hard as I had narcissistic mother and abusive father so understanding boundaries or what is 'normal' or acceptable, for me is hard. <- I am actively talking about that with my own therapist.

"Things aren't even that bad at the moment - it's not all day, every day - now the dogs of war are only unleashed once or twice a week but I am SO VERY TIRED of it."

Yeah it is exhausting, the worst is you have a good run and then bam out of nowhere you get set on and have no idea why and because of the 'good run' your defenses are down and you let it get to you.. But then again having your defenses up all the time is an exhausting way to live and not conducive to a healthy relationship by any means.

"you start to relax after the last one you suddenly you get woken up at 1 in the morning and castigated over some trivial misdemeanor"

I haven't had that yet, she let's me sleep even if she is up stewing all night.

"And I can't end it. Or rather, I don't want to give him my house."

very familiar

"If he loved me .... and I know he thinks he does..... but if he could love someone he surely wouldn't be so cruel to them."

I think that a lot too, not sure how productive it is as I am told with BPD and Bipolar people it is often the ones they love the most (and that love them the most) that they hurt the most.

I have reached out to a support group which I will try attending next month, I keep meaning to but somehow too chicken to turn up, I'll make myself next month.

[SJT63]

@Bipolarcarer 

did you go to the group?

[Bipolarcarer]

@SJT63 

No, I missed the May and June meetups, I will try again in July..

Will report back here if I make it in July, not sure why it is so hard for me to take that step and go or what I am searching for, maybe like here, talking to people with similar lived experiences and understand if they have better coping mechanisms etc..

I am still fortnightly seeing my own therapist to help me work through the conflicting feelings I have about this relationship and the similarities to my childhood. I feel much more comfortable with this therapist than others I have seen, difficult process finding the right therapist to see.

Unfortunately my partner says she thinks I am looking for a therapist to give me permission (or tell) me to leave her, which is frustrating as I would have left it if that was the case as that has well and truly happened (with a previous therapist).

[Bipolarcarer]

.