Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Chook_]

Hi everyone,

my partner suffers with BPD, while he has done so much work on himself in the past 1-2 yrs he seems to have fallen off the track lately. It just seems like he can’t get a break and it’s as if I can’t say/do anything right. I know he loves me and I know he knows how much I love him but he seems to go down these rabbit holes/ tunnels and can only remember the bad/negatives, is there any advice on the best ways to handle this? 

I am also struggling as his talks of suicide are happening more frequently, it doesn’t seem that the mental health team through the hospital are much help besides telling me to call 000, I don’t know how to respond when he is telling me how much he wants to die. Please any advice on the best communication strategies or things I can do to help him when he is in such a dark place? 

I just wish he could see himself through my eyes and know how valuable he is to our little family.

[tyme]

Hey @Chook_ 

I know exactly what you are saying. I live that life for many many years. Something you have to be mindful of is that when he is triggered, it's pretty much impossible to talk 'sense' to him in terms of strategies. Much of the work needs to be done when he is not heightened.

It would be good for you to have a chat to him and empower him about what he wants you to do when he speaks of suicide. e.g. "When you are speaking so strongly about suicide, what would you like me to do? Do I contact 000? Do i give you space? Do you need a hug? Our family loves you and we want what's best for you but it hurts when we don't know how to help you"

Empowering a borderline is one of the most important things. Rather than having things done TO him, it's about doing things WITH him. But this cannot be done when he is triggered and he has moved into the emotional brain as opposed to the reasoning brain.

Something else that worked for me is setting boundaries. My loved ones would set boundaries at let me know when I was calm e.g "If you self-harm, we will seek medical assistance if needed" "If you act as a danger to yourself, we will call 000". And believe me, as traumatic as it was, I've had many hospital admissions. It wasn't 'nice' so to say, but I'm alive because the admissions contained me for a time.

Hope this helps a little. I'm speaking purely from a borderline's perspective.

[Chook_]

@tyme  thank you so much for your reply and the advice it means a lot. 

how did it make you feel when your loved ones set those boundaries saying they will call 000 if you harm yourself? I am worried that even saying that and setting such a boundary that it would trigger him or make him feel like I’m against him. 

thank you again ♥️ 

[tyme]

Hence these conversations need to be done at a time when he is NOT upset or triggered. Also, wording is very important. You 'offer' that as a suggestion e.g. "What do you think I should do when you threaten to self-harm or kill yourself?" He probably will say he doesn't know. Then you can say "Do you think calling 000 is something we can consider?" @Chook_ 

For me, when control was taken away from me, I really lost it. I felt my life was so out of control already so the little control I had, I wanted to keep. People saw me as a 'rebel' when they told me to do things and I refused. The refusal was not about disagreeing, but more that I wanted to be in control.

Life as a borderline is very hard. I can imagine how hard it is for carers.

Main thing for carers is set your boundaries, communicate clearly and remind them you love them.

Look after yourself or you will get burnt out. It's a long journey.

I had mentalisation based therapy and it's been the best thing ever. I came out a totally different person. It was a life-saver, but the therapy was very intense, and filled with tears.

[Chook_]

@tyme thank you again.
I was reading about mentalisation therapy and it sounds like a good/new option to explore. Thanks

[tyme]

It's a very difficult therapy to get into. I am still in awe that I got accepted into it. It was 18 months of intense therapy with about 1.5-2hrs of group and 1 hour of individual therapy a week.

I can't even explain how it worked to change things, but I literally came out with a different brain. The change has been the most incredible thing I have ever experienced @Chook_ 

I wish it was more readily available to people. The clinic I was at only put through 4-8 people every 18 months.  The most important part of the therapy was group. I think that's where most of the learning was, especially because there were people there I really did NOT get along with and I was with them for 18 months! Imagine being in a room of 8 borderlines exploding at each other. The facilitators were amazing. 

I don't know any other clinic that has the full MBT program available unfortunately.

It's like people who have DBT. People say they've tried DBT, but most don't do the whole therapy. They only learn DBT skills. The 'real' DBT requires 12-18 months of both individual and group therapy. I'm not sure many people offer that now. 

One thing for sure, BPD is a very slow moving condition. It takes years to build up and years to recover. However, recovery is VERY possible. It is a very treatable condition.

Feel free to connect to Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

[tyme]

This thread may also be helpful Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT  @Chook_ 

[Chook_]

Yes thanks I did see that there on Tuesdays, I have “supported” the post. Thanks again, you have really helped

[Bee36]

I have these worries too @Chook_ following through on boundaries seems very difficult when u worry about the repercussions

[Chook_]

I feel for anyone in our situations but it has also been nice to hear and have support from people that understand.
I suppose starting small on those boundaries and really trying to pick the right times to discuss and come up with the boundaries together. Sending you strength, thank you for your reply