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Fakename43
New Contributor

Partner (BPD) is harming my (BP1) recovery

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I would love any advice if you have any. 

I have BP1 and have been managing it for the last 12 years, my health has significantly declined since being with my partner as he has his own issues and has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I do everything in my power to look after myself and work towards recovery, however I am currently at a loss. My partner splits on me every few days and proceeds to stonewall me for days afterwards until I break and force a resolution, a pattern that I hate and do not want to be in. In the past I have received TMS for my bipolar depression and it has worked better and with far less side effects that medication or ECT. I had my last course a month ago and for the first time it was unsuccessful due to environment. I have been nothing but clear and honest with my boundaries and what I needed from my partner so that I could have a good chance at it working, he didn't take me seriously and did everything I asked him not to. 

I have been lucky enough to be given the opportunity to try again but I am terrified of it failing again as I am unable to change my situation and my partner doesn't believe he can change (he is medicated and sees a psychologist monthly). I have no family in the state, the family I have live rurally and I don't have a great relationship with them. I am unable to work and currently my partner is paying half of my rent so unfortunately I am reliant on him for that. I can't afford to live on my own and I have several cats who are my world and it would destroy me if I had to part with them, plus they have their own health issues which my partner wouldn't tend to if I weren't there. I have no friends that I could stay with, and although my partner ended up moving out the last time I had treatment things were just as difficult and having to care for the house and cats alone was even more stressful. And TMS is outpatient meaning I couldn't stay in hospital during a treatment. 


I know I can't make him change, but is there any way I can get him to take me seriously? He's waiting to start DBT but until then I don't know what to do. I'm tempted to refuse treatment because I don't think I can handle the disappointment of it not working again and being banned from the program. 


I just want to be allowed to get well but right now I don't see any options. I have very little control of my life and I'm really scared. 

Thank you for reading

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Partner (BPD) is harming my (BP1) recovery

hello and welcome to the forum @Fakename43 

letting you know that you are not alone my friend 

tag a few members for you 

@BPDSurvivor@bipolarbunny@eth@Mazarita@frog 

Re: Partner (BPD) is harming my (BP1) recovery

Hi @Fakename43 

 

but is there any way I can get him to take me seriously @Fakename43 

 

I'm not sure how much more serious you can get than BP1 - half my family has it, it has been in my family for generations. 

 

There seems to be some huge imbalances in your relationship and your post reads as if your partner can't handle the spotlight not being on them, and doesn't really have any capacity for self-reliance or ability to provide care, as opposed to receiving it. Also sounds like they haven't been actively engaging in their treatment and they are resigned to the fact that this is their and yours life now.

 

But then again, the fact that they are in a relationship at all and that they pursued it to begin with indicates that all isn't lost. But it is a bit glaring that you say you have noticed a definite decline in your health since you got together and that the home environment is so destabilising that it impacts your treatment to that degree......but then again you're still there aren't you, so your action in that regard speaks for itself.

 

I don't know what to suggest.....depending on if you can afford it, a voluntary inpatient admission may give you some rest. You may be able to get day leave from the private clinic to have TMS off-site and return to the ward for the evening. My memory is hazy but I thought I heard a patient say they did this when I was in hospital. The private system is imperfect, you may have to wait to get in, or be too sick for a private facility, but some people do travel interstate to other hospitals....there were a lot of people from interstate. 

 

I probably haven't helped much but it is a tough situation, I don't know what 'splitting' is naybe a member with BPD would be a better help - Corny Smiley Happy

Re: Partner (BPD) is harming my (BP1) recovery

@Fakename43 

I am so sorry for your situation. 
I too am stuck in a toxic relationship only mine is with my elderly mother & family. 
I too cannot afford to move out and am not currently well enough to work. 
Other than offering my support and my heart aches for you it really does, being trapped is no way to live, all I can suggest is number one, find a way to look after yourself. 
Your partner's health issues are his to deal with, your responsibility is to yourself and your own health & happiness. 
My mother is narcissistic which means she will never meet me halfway, she won't even give me 5% of the way. But after 52 years I have learned to say no and put myself first. You are not being selfish by doing this, you are merely practicing self-love and you are worthy of that love. 
I hope you can find the help you need very soon. xx

BB 🐰💙

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