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91119
Casual Contributor

How do I know what is my fault?

I have been married to my wife for 11 months, we have been together 3.5 years.

She has had anxiety for a long time (over 10 years), and sees clinicians regularly.  She carries no stigma about her mental health.  She has had one major depressive episode in the past (before we met), and I think she is in another now.

We have been very happy in the past, and have managed the usual ups and downs and stresses of life - work, holidays, buying a home, negotiating our extended families, living in a pandemic.

 

When she is upset, my wife tells me the things that she is unhappy with.  Everyone has issues every now and again but I can't separate out her having anxiety and being depressed versus us having fundamentally different values. 

A perfect example is the kids leaving clothes on the bathroom floor.  I want them to learn to pick them up themselves, so the clothes are left there until I speak with the children about it.  My wife gets cross they are there, and picks them up herself, becoming more cross with me that I did not pick them up.

The clothes on the bathroom floor are not the problem - but when we argue about it, my wife says that I don't care about her needs.  I do.  And I hate the clothes left there too.  But I am also trying to raise children to do the right thing and not be waited on.

How can I tell if this is a genuine values clash, or if it is part of her depression and anxiety?

And how can I tell whether these things I have done have caused her depressive episode?

 

8 REPLIES 8

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

hello and welcome to the forum @91119 

it is hard finding the right balance for everything 

@Appleblossom, @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope@Maggie@Snowie@frog@Determined@Smc@greenpea@Dadcaringalone@Schitzo 

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

@91119 

Values and priorities makes a different, especially in parenting.  I am one of those who do not believe stress should be manufactured, and that encouraging children to pick up their own clothes is a good idea.  Maybe she needs to address perfectionism, as well as anxiety and depression, they can feed a loop.  Take Care of you as well as your wife and kids.

Smiley Happy

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

Hi and welcome to the forums @91119 .

 

These things - whether to pick up after the kids or not - are things that we often follow through on as patterns from our own family of origin (not always, but often, so sometimes we swing to the opposite if we don't like something our parents did with us).  The thing is, it's not many people who discuss this sort of detail before they get married and have kids.  It's usually at that point that all the differences come to the fore, and you sorta have to get onto the same page with it all, one item at a time, for the kids' sake.

 

Becaise your wife has depression challenges as well as these fairly common struggle areas for many couples, I would suggest that you see a relationship counsellor together, not because your relationship is in trouble, just to have someone to coach you through it, help you to see each other's point of view, find middle ground, broker deals about what is the big stuff and what is the smaller stuff, and generally jyst support you through this process to help prevent or cushion  depressive episodes for your wife while sorting it out.

 

Having someone else working with you helps to keep it task focused and more objective, that's all.

 

I hope this helps.

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

@91119Hi 91119 and welcome to the forums. You will find the formites to be kind and caring. Have a look around the threads and when you are comfortable you might like to join in the conversation or keep posting your own. See you around. Love greenpeax

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

Hey @91119 

I'm not sure how much help I can be here, lines might be a bit blurry for me to be objective. Does your wife struggle to step back and relinquish control in most situations? I personally have issues with anxiety and depression. Control issues is something that has gone hand in hand with those mental health issues too. Controling the house, restoring order, having things in their place, it gives an illusion that we have control over our lives and soothes our anxiety. Though of course because we can never really be in control of anything in life, it can become a bit of a compulsive obsession. Perhaps picking up the clothes is giving her that control and order she needs to calm her anxiety?

These kinds of differences are going to pop up a lot in a marriage, and I'm really impressed you've reached out for some help. I think the fact you're doing that speaks volumes to how much you care for your wife.

My advice would be to approach situations like this with an understanding that she is possibly trying to soothe her anxiety by taking control of a situation. I don't think either of you are in a winning position, your wanting to leave the clothes, her wanting to pick them up. How about a third option? What if you incorporate "tidy up" time at a certain time of day, every day. Say at 7pm every night everyone goes off and does their bit of tidying. Creating a structured routine can help a person with anxiety immensely. It will give your wife a way to accept that yes, there are clothes on the floor, but they will be picked up at the end of the day. It will take effort on her part to remind herself there is time set aside for tidying and resist the urge to take control. But if everyone can maintain a routine, she might start to step back a bit. Failing that, I'd suggest picking the clothes up and dumping them on the kids bed. They're off the floor and the kids will need to put them away to go to sleep. But I can't see that being a winner really...

 

I'd take a leap of faith here and say you're not doing anything wrong at all. And as I said earlier, amazing that you've reached out for help, so don't be so hard on yourself. No one in a marriage ever agrees on everything, that's ok, that's normal. You have a difference of opinion, neither of you are right or wrong, you're both entitled to your own opinions and you both want to raise your kids well. You are both on the same team and you both have the same goal.

 

I hope I've been able to help and I hope you guys are able to find some middle ground.

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

Thanks, so helpful.
I am re-reading these now we are in another low place

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

I'm sorry to hear you are in another low place @91119 I can see your original post was a while back. Have you managed to get yourself any supports in that time? I'm wondering if having your own counsellor would be useful? 

 

Re: How do I know what is my fault?

Thanks @Paperdaisy 

I do now. I have also reached out to a face to face support group in my area and hope to get access to one soon.

A little bit too late I think, but I have now recognised the effect this is having on my mental health.

Have a good day, thanks for reaching out.

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