Lived Experience Forum

[Csillag]

Hi there I'm new here

A little about myself 

I am a 30 yo single mum to a 10 year old boy, I have been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, depression, anxiety and I also struggle with substance abuse. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, depression and anxiety and I'm having a lot of issues with him both at home and school.

I have lost my job recently due to a relapse in my mental state, I have also been through a traumatic event. I struggle to take care of myself and of my son but thankful I have my mum living with me to help me in taking care of us both. 

I've been really struggling guys for the last few years and have not reached out for help due to fear of being stigmatised as a bad person/parent, I'm in a constant state of dissociation and numbness with intense sadness and anger outbursts. It is affecting my relationship with my son, my biggest fear is I am the cause of my sons deteriorating mental health. I don't know what to do. I'm not taking care of myself and have frankly given up. I don't know how to go about getting help. Its all too much and overwhelming that I just completely shut down.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[NatureLover]

Oh no, @Csillag , that's a huge load you carry 😞 I am sorry to hear of all your diagnoses, and your son's too. 

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@Csillag wrote:

I don't know how to go about getting help. Its all too much and overwhelming that I just completely shut down.

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I'm so sorry to hear. It's good you've joined the forums here, where there are people who understand and can offer help from a lived experience perspective. Well done for reaching out 🙂

Can I ask if you have a counsellor? (You might already have one, if you've been given the diagnoses.) If not, then the best way to start on the path of getting help is to go to your GP and ask for a Mental Health Care Plan. This will entitle you to 10 (up to 20 during Covid) subsidised sessions per year with a psychologist that the GP will refer you to. 

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@Csillag wrote:

I've been really struggling guys for the last few years and have not reached out for help due to fear of being stigmatised as a bad person/parent,

I hear you when you say you're afraid of the stigma. I'm wondering if you can just get started by mentioning your diagnoses to the GP and psychologist? That would give you plenty to start working on, and they might be able to give you strategies to help. 

Are you on any medication also? (Please don't mention the medications, if you're on any, as we're not allowed to name them.) But you can talk to the GP about that also. 

You can also search for topics here on the forums by typing any of your conditions  into the search bar. 

There are plenty of people here with BPD, PTSD, depression and anxiety. They are really tough conditions to have. 

I'm glad you have your mum living with you as a support. I'm impressed that you've reached out when you've given up on taking care of yourself. There must be some hope in there somewhere! How would you feel about making an appointment with your GP, as the first small step?

Welcome to the forums, @Csillag .

[wellwellwellnez]

Thanks for sharing. It's good for you and its good for us as well. I can try and help you a bit in regards to help finding. The buzzs words you want is "trauma informed" and "complex trauma" (and yeah, I know, what's a simple trauma?). There's other good buzz words but they is some of the best. It means they're extra committed to being part of the solution (in my mind at least).

I'm also a fan of "systemic approach". That means they keep themselves networked with other specialists so they can refer people on to the best places to be.

If you haven't called The Blue Knot Foundation, they are specialists in complicated. You generally have to leave them a message and wait, but they give great counsellor and list psychs with a rep for being trauma-informed (and other things). Tiny team but good eggs.

[Csillag]

thank you for responding @NatureLover 

I was diagnosed with depression at age 12 and then 5 years ago with bpd, anxiety and ptsd. I've tried 5 different antidepressants and anti anxiety meds which helped only for a short time and made me extremely suicidal so I stopped taking meds. I was seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist but then I finally got a job and things were going great so figured I was cured and didn't need anymore help :face_with_rolling_eyes:. Then after a year or 2 I started to just go down hill, was having panic attacks at work in and out of hospital due to my anxiety attacks and some days could not get out of bed. I was calling in sick most days and then had my shifts cut and then I was called in for a meeting, was given my second warning and after that the dynamics with my colleagues had changed and I felt that they had all turned on me so I quit. 
Then I watched my grandmother die 6 days before Christmas, she was my only grandmother and the only person who would listen and who understood me, she was the mediator between my narcissistic father and I, I feel so lost without her and have not mourned the loss of her I have just repressed all emotion.

I saw my gp yesterday and we're in the process of trying to find someone who specialises in bpd because my last psychologist just didn't get it, saying things like just go for a walk, think positive, do something you enjoy, those things aren't helpful, A- I can't get out of bed, B- my mind is on a constant loop of negative thoughts and C- I don't enjoy doing anything.

Which is why I turn to substances to escape the reality I'm facing. I just feel helpless and hopeless 😔

[Csillag]

Thank you so much for your suggestion and support @wellwellwellnez I will get in touch with blue knot, thank you.

[NatureLover]

@Csillag  I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. 

Well done for trying to find someone who specialises in BPD. I agree that the things your last psychologist was saying, like going for a walk, don't help with severe depression /MI (mental illness). 

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@Csillag wrote:

I just feel helpless and hopeless 😔

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I hear you. 😞 I really hope that things start improving soon and you can find a psychologist who knows about BPD. 

[wellwellwellnez]

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I saw my gp yesterday and we're in the process of trying to find someone who specialises in bpd because my last psychologist just didn't get it, saying things like just go for a walk, think positive, do something you enjoy, those things aren't helpful, A- I can't get out of bed, B- my mind is on a constant loop of negative thoughts and C- I don't enjoy doing anything.

Which is why I turn to substances to escape the reality I'm facing. I just feel helpless and hopeless 😔

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Totally with in regards to psych's leaning on behavioral solutions. Behavioural psychology has some excellent science. It's pivotal. Undeniable. BUT sometime I look at some psychs and think, if you're that keen on healthy lifestyles why don't you just open a gym? More fairly, it's sometimes a lot easier to start with inside analysis or humanist wholistics and then work on bevioural solutions.