Lived Experience Forum

[666]

Hello everyone I'm new to this but I'm not sure who to turn to or how to seek help. I have a partner who was addicted to drugs in his past before we met. He quit cold turkey on his own moved away and started a fresh start and his never looked back since. He quit just over a year before we met and that was over 3yrs ago. He abused drugs pretty heavily from the age of 15/16 till he was 30yrs old. He doesn't like to talk about it or anything regarding it which can be difficult because it's played a huge part of who he is today. He doesn't believe in therapy or getting help or speaking to anybody but i think some of the behavioral issues he has could very well be caused by years of substance abuse maybe. Behavioral wise his always lying, he lies about things not even worth lying about. His mentioned that sometimes he doesnt even realise his lying at times until after his lied and he thinks wtf did you just lie about that for. His very selfish self-seeking like he wont do something unless its beneficial for him.  His very manipulative also & very emotionally immature has a hard time expressing or understanding his own emotions. His also very impulsive & defensive. But my biggest concern with him is sort of like his got an addictive personality now since not abusing illegal substances. For example he might get obsessed over covid or the government and so every waking moment he has wen his not forced to be working he would obsess over everything related to covid or government and then a few months to by and then it's something new his addicted to. Atm his addicted to bitcoin. I'm fine with him having a hobby or something like that but I believe if ur interests are starting to have a negative impact areas of your life then it might be time to do it in moderation or limit how much time your devoting to it each day. But I can't talk to him about it he instantly gets defensive & angry starts verbally abusing me etc. He refuses to admit his more than obsessed with it, his now even lying about how often his on there trading etc & his also secretly been hiding the fact his been almost daily taking money from our savings to buy more of Bitcoin thingys. I tried to talk to him about why his lying to be about it but like always he instantly explodes. He spends literally no exaggeration from 4pm non-stop until 2.30-3am on there and from 8am-until 10.30am daily. Even during that short mid day space he will sneak off to the toilet to check. His made absolutely no profit at all and we are down over 10thousand of our savings. Because his to busy glued to his phone on it it's effecting all other areas of his life from his work ethic, our relationship, his family time are all suffering from his new obsession and he can't see the issue. Is it an addictive trait? Because he also has other addiction traits he regularly lies and trys his best to deny also. Surely this isn't normal? How can i help somebody who refuses to see the problem? Or am I just crazy 😔

[wellwellwellnez]

I know a little about addictive personalities as I've had one for about as long as I can remember. You're definitely picking up on something. The tricky part is what to do. There can be an amazing dissonance of perspectives that arrise when you're doing an addiction. I'm also trying to work out how to help a friend who's going through drug but also some other stuff.

Here's what I think I know about addiction. All addictions are largely run by the dopamine neurotransmitter. But, dopamine isn't just part of our reward mechanism. It's also part of our learning mechanism. For this reason awareness, acceptance and healthy activity are all key.

There's also this thing called the five stages of change. Precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Sometimes it's more or less but I think usually five. I find the 1st and 5th stages most interesting. It's just occured to me that 1 and 5 are value oriented while the 2, 3 and 5 are more goal oriented.

I've never done the "12 Step Program" but I like to refer to what it was based on. Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey (Based on Carl Jung's "Hero of a Thousand Faces"). Here they both are so you can compare. The top one is based on the bottom one. I reckon the original Campbell/Jung is best because you can use it to tailor to the quester in question (the technique is also used a lot in screenplays and the like).

12 Steps....

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Hero's Journey (also comes in fun circle graphics but I couldn't post the pix).....

Act 1

• Ordinary world
• Call to adventure
• Refusal of the Call
• Meeting with the Mentor
• Crossing the first Threshold

Act 2

• Tests, Allies, Enemies
• Approach the Innermost Cave
• The Ordeal
• The Reward

Act 3

• The Road Back
• The Resurrection
• Return with the Elixir

---

......Aaaaand then rinse repeat. So, that's what I think I know. But I'm still on my own journey.

[prov3v5and6]

You are not crazy, and you do know that in your spirit. Everyone has tendencies to some sort of compulsion or addiction, but for some it is more consuming. Though people can help him, and often want to, there is only one who can truly help someone in any situation. God is infinately powerful and all-knowing, your partner can turn to Him and ask for help. Other than that, speaking from experience, no person can help as much as they'd like to, because we are just as flawed as the people we are trying to help - what matters is our heart intention. Your heart intention is good, so do not feel bad for not being able to do what only God can do.

[saltandpepper]

@666 I'm not sure that addiction is the only problem here. You've listed about a dozen other things there that for me would be a red flag in a relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who:

Lies constantly about everything

Isn't open and honest with you about the past 15 years

Shows no intention of getting himself help

Is selfish and manipulative

Not interested in doing anything unless it benefits him

Defensive and angry

You can't have a rational conversation with about your concerns

Has swapped out one addiction for another

Spending oodles of your shared money

These are all big problems in their own right. Is this how you want to be treated in a relationship? What do you get in this relationship? Are your needs being met at all? I'm sorry, I know this isn't why you've posted here, but... I can't not say anything.

I mean if you want to stick it out with this guy, the reality is you can't make him see there is a problem. You can't make him see he needs help. You can't give anyone help if they don't want it. He has to want to change, he has to want to work on his issues, no one can do the work for him.

I'm sorry you're in this position, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do

[AussieRecharger]

@666 

Probably the best advice I can give you is to speak to a financial counsellor in the short term and have a chat with your bank about what's going on and if they can set up something to flag the transactions. 

Please get yourself sorted and then you can help your partner without the need to worry about providing for yourself. 

National Debt Helpline on 1800 007 007