MBT Therapist in Melbourne and surrounding suburbs

[peaceandsafety]

Hi @AuntGlow 

Apologies for the late reply.
I took some time off work, stayed away from my phone as much as possible and say by a beach for a few days.

It sucks, having this awareness, seeing the threads, and still having this empty, scared feeling in my core.

Favourite melodic techno artists... oh gosh!
Moritz Hofbauer, Cheery, Massano, Christ Advantgarde, Avis Vox, Tescao, Marie Vaunt, Patrick Scuro... I can keep going and going....

I felt, calm, I guess, grounded whilst away the last few days.
Like it wasn't me.
I'm back now, and the world is quiet, my cat is my lap as I write this, work tomorrow, I have a sense of panic in my chest.
I had company for a few days, by the ocean, I walked for hours in the rain, tanned, read (The Monk who sold his Ferrari).
I feel like I'm a bit of a fraud. Seeking awareness and growth both for my human side and spiritual side, with the full knowledge that my brain doesn't work like everyone else's around me.
In my entire life, I have only come across one other person with BPD and they are very different to me, they are very upbeat and don't crave the company of someone else, they are comfortable in themselves.

I know this is all information, data, I just can't seem to find comfort in any of this...

[AuntGlow]

That sounds so incredibly grounding! @peaceandsafety I am so glad you took this time for yourself to re-centre. I hear you, lovely. It's not easy at all. I am curious, what do you think that scared feeling might need right now? (You don't have to go there if it feels too much, you can always tell me when something doesn't feel okay or safe to explore!)

oooh, which one should I listen to first? 👀

"I felt, calm, I guess, grounded whilst away the last few days. Like it wasn't me." It's always so strange when we access our more calm selves, and if we often exist in fight/flight, it can absolutely feel like it isn't really us. (I experienced this during meditation once. I was like, whoaaah I am WAY TOO CALM and it's freaking me out! 😂) But the amazing thing is that over time, you can have more access to this part of yourself, and it becomes less scary. And the more amazing thing is that part really is you. 🫶

I get why panic and vulnerability might be coming up for you being back. How was work today?

The feeling like a fraud is so real!! But I want you to know that so many people feel this way - like they are different. But I find you very relatable and wonderfully human. You are allowed to seek awareness and growth to nurture your spritual self and sit with your emotional intricacies along the way - that is exactly what it's about! How can we become curious about these parts of you? I wonder if there might be some comfort in that? 🥰

[peaceandsafety]

It was the most relaxed I've felt in..... 7 months @AuntGlow 

The scared feeling wants to be able to think my way out of this problem. My problem being my brain..which does the thinking... which is the problem... which analyses for an answer to think my way out of it...(and now we enter an infinite loop...)

Which should you listen to first...oh my I feel the pressure haha.
I'll start you off a bit more chilled, listen to Mortiz Hofbauer - Time of my life
Then give Cherry - Silent a go
Now, for one of my all time favourites... Massano....
Listen to Healing. I really really want your thoughts on how this track hits you.
After that, if you want to pick up the energy, listen to Massano's track Destructure.

All these tracks are so damn clever and wonderful.

I'll throw a little curve ball here, if you liked Healing, listen to Eli and Fur - Where I Find My Mind.

Such a fitting song, beautifully written and composed. The vocals and their delivery... hauntingly captivating.
Let me know how that moves you.
Ok, one more, if you like Where I find My Mind, listen to their track Where Do We Go From Here.

I've seen them live 3x, and if I had the means I would fly to wherever they are on our floating rock in space to see them again.

Always in fight, flight, faun or freeze. Fight is the lesser of those 4 for me.

Work was easier than I expected after being offline for 3 days. Only 108 emails to action.
I went for a walk this morning before I started and hit the gym during my lunch break.
Felt incredibly strong which is confusing.

How are you this evening? Have a nice weekend?

Your words are far too kind.
This part got me, "... I find you very relatable and wonderfully human".

I haven't felt human since I was a teen. Always felt less then.
I have a distinct memory, when I was around 14, coming home from a specialist appointment that my mum took me to, and I just stood in the shower crying to myself "I'm not human".
The backstory I don't want to share publicly, forgive me for the lack of details on what led to that event - it has been a part of my self belief ever since.

Being curious in those parts of me brings great sadness, sadness that I am this way. Sadness of my failings, of others and myself, sadness around the loneliness that greets me every morning. You can see the snowball.

4 more sleeps before I start with a new psych and I kick off RTT next Monday morning.

[AuntGlow]

Wow - that's pretty huge and shows me just how much your mind and body are needing more moments like that. @peaceandsafety 💖

Yes, I totally hear you! And our anxious brains are clever, they are always scanning and searching for ways to keep us safe and to 'understand' things deeply so we can maintain control... but the hardest part is feeling our feelings. Often, when we let them be there and slowly integrate them safely, we can start to notice shifts in rumination and intense sensations. It's simple, but not easy, hey?

I LOVE how passionate you are about this, I will listen to them throughout the week and get back to you? (I want to give them my full attention) 👏

Well, you simply have to see Where I Find My Mind again! 🤩

That's amazing that you were feeling strong! How are you feeling at the moment?

I understand, you don't have to share anything you don't want to... whatever is creating that sense of 'not being human' sounds like it deserves so much love and compassion. So, sending big hugs your way. 🥰

I understand. Maybe that sadness needs some support? What could that look like?

I am excited to hear how your psych appointment goes!

[peaceandsafety]

Hi @AuntGlow 

Not simple at all, at least not for me.
I find myself questioning myself, am I actually feeling the feelings or am I intellectualising them? If so, does that mean I'm not feeling my feelings?

Yes, music is a whole other realm for me.
Guess what, I am seeing them again! they are here early 2026 🙂

I'm feeling ok physically. I've had a few physical therapy sessions this week, just keeping the body in check before sore areas become super painful.

I don't know what support for the sadness looks like. My go to thought is having someone I trust comfort me, provide me a space to just crumble safely. This never works yet I still romanticise the idea.

The appointment went really well. As soon as I was greeted I felt a comfort to share.
I shared a lot in that one session. We are both happy to work with each other and I will continue weekly.

Today feels like a sleepy day. The weather has a massive impact on me I've noticed.

How is your weekend going?

[AuntGlow]

Hello @peaceandsafety!

I am so sorry for my delay - how are you? 💛

That's a really great question. I think when we allow ourselves to be with the feelings, without thinking about the 'who, what, why', we are feeling them. It can be a lot sometimes, so it's okay to have a safe person there to co-regulate with. Even calling a helpline like BlueKnot could be good too! Just to have some there to hold space and allow you to feel. 

I find music helps me with this process, and I get the sense that music would be really wonderful for you too. 😍

Oh my gosh, yay! How exciting! Who will you go with?

How are you feeling physically at the moment?

Ah, I just read this sentence after sharing the one above! Seems we were on the same track... I do get how vulnerable it can be and sometimes we do need something more, which is perfectly valid.

What do you feel that could be?

This is so lovely to read. When is your next session?

I have been very busy, so there have definitely been some moments of overwhelm! But I am feeling more grounded today. Thank you for asking. 💛

[peaceandsafety]

Hey @AuntGlow 

Hope that you are having a good weekend.
How are you feeling?
You are very active on here, caring for everyone, engaging.
I wondered earlier, how do you have the energy for it all?
I have energy for it Friday and yesterday, today I want to curl up and hide lol

It's interesting how often I've been suggested to reach out to the helplines if I need someone to talk to.
I have in the past, I never feel any comfort or safety from it.
A complete stranger on the other end of the phone who doesn't know me, and I don't know them doesn't resonate with  me.

Whenever I've been offered telehealth therapy, I will always opt face to face, even if I have to travel.
I have always referred this to me being "old school", what I think it really means is that I value the connection of presence when working with difficult topics and emotions.
I feel enough distance and disconnection from the world and when I seek help, I want to bridge that gap.

I had an interesting "ah ha" moment in session the other day, as much as I like the music that I shared with you, that genre does not illicit a deep emotional response. There is another style/type/genre of music that does that for me (and yep, I'm super picky with songs, not just lyrically, structure, percussion, rhythm lines, beat and key changes - all these elements create a story. They aren't linear - life isn't linear).

So I gravitate towards this particular style as it brings up deep deep grief and sadness which is the strongest and realest emotion I can feel.
Whilst it's handy to help me release, I do tend to use it to torture myself, to stay in the feeling. Everything outside of that feeling feels false, numb.

To answer your question around who I will go with to see that artist, I have a friendship that was once tight, which my traits caused friction. We communicate, we spend time talking about the hard stuff, I respect the boundary that this person has with me. Anyway, this person is a big reason why I see music the way I do, or, able to articulate it far better than I ever could.
So we will be going to together as we've seen them twice before, we can nerd out and just enjoy the musical journey.

I had another session on Friday. I feel very comfortable with this therapist.
Her kindness brought tears and sadness in me.
Not because I don't believe the words, I feel undeserving of them.
This has been a pattern throughout my life.
Quick to dismiss compliments. I feel like I'm a terrible person, this person thinks otherwise, I must have done or said something to make them think I am good, which means I have lied or have a façade on.

Life admin today, some work, will meditate, read, make something to eat, go to the gym and sit in my quiet space.

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon @peaceandsafety! ✨

I am feeling really good today. I just finished an assessment for uni, so I am like, yay!! 

That's so kind of you to say, I really enjoy connecting with everyone. 💖

Hmm, that's a great question! I tend to take my time with replies... mainly because I want to give everyone my full presence. But there are certainly days where I feel exhausted and want to curl up in a ball and sleep too! haha

You know, that's so fair. I understand completely. What would would feel like a safer option for you when you are needing grounding and connection?

And yes, I completely get this! It's amazing that supports are so accessible now, but face-to-face definitely offers a more personal connection. It's great that you know what works for you. 

How are you finding the forums? 🥰

Wow, that is a really interesting realisation to have. What did your therapist say when you shared this experience with them?

Oh, that sounds really, really lovely. 🥹

I understand this thought process and why it might come up... but I do get the sense that with someone safe there to mirror the kindness, love, and compassion you deserve, you may start to notice some shifts in this core belief - it will just take a bit of time. I would love to continue hearing more about your journey with this therapist, I have a good feeling. 🫶

That sounds like it was a really productive and regulating day. What does this week look like for you?