Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

wombats
Contributor

Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

Hi folks,

I'm hoping to get some thoughts/experiences of those who have been through similar or have seen it happen.

I was separated from my wife for the first half of 2019, we have two boys under 8.  While separated she told me that I had to go to an addiction counselling service if I wanted to return to the house.  I went and the counsellor there spent most of our time teaching me about my wife's behaviour most likely being cluster b traits.  She made it difficult for me to see the kids while we were separated, refusing for them to stay with me and igmoring a letter from a lawyer saying that I wanted to have more time with the kids.  I returned back to the house mid year, and neither of us were drinking. This was her demand, and I also knew that I couldn't have alcohol around her in order to be able to manage the situations which she would create - i.e. stay calm through her accusations/aggression.  I went back mainly because of the kids, I couldn't stand to see the neglect that they were experiencing. I had been to child protection and discussed this, but her behaviour didn't reach the scale which they operate on. Their diets were very poor but they were fed. She doesn't have the capacity to care/love and the kids spent most of their time in front of the tv, she doesn't take them anywhere or encourage any activities.  They also don't see friends outside of school/daycare hours.

I have also gone to as many mental health proffessionals as I can in town (we live in a rural city), and her behaviour isn't on the scale which they can do anything - i.e. no immediate threat to herself or others. 

After being back with her for about 6 months, I got fed up with her behaviour and the financial train wreck she was creating.  She had also stopped taking her antidepresion medication for the second time. I needed to get out as the children were in a toxic environment, she would often crank up, I would try to manage the situation and ask her to calm down, our eldest would also often ask her to stop. The kids would often end up running to their room and hide under their beds.  I first thought of staying at my fathers (where I had stayed when separated before as I was paying the mortgage on the house she and the kids were in), but realised that it would just be as it was before, with her making it difficult for me to be with the kids, refusing to go to mediation etc. So I decided that when my wife was out, I would take the kids to the main city 400km away to my mother's house.  This happened on the 1st of January.  Before doing this I spoke with the family relationship advice line, mensline, 1800respect, legal aid, and the family protection unit at the police about my plan.  I also let the police know what I had done as I was leaving. 

I couldn't get any traction in court with family court of getting a restraining order.  As I had removed the kids from the threat, there was no urgency. She had also put on her 'sweetness and light' persona since I had left, so the judge said that the problem was over.  When I said that I couldn't return back to my town, it didn't matter.

My wife ended up getting a lawyer (I can't afford one), as she has her centerlink account (she was still claiming single parent payments when we were back together) and putting in a recovery order. On Wednesday at about 4:30pm I recieved my summons to be in court at 10am the next day. Her affidavit claims that I am an alcoholc and have mental health issues. Also that I was in live-in rehab at the addiction counselling service (I wasn't).  I emailled the counsellor I was seeing if he could give me a statement about this and he replied staing that I wasn't an alcoholic, don't have mental health issues, and was not a live-in patient. The duty lawyer did not care about any of the things I had to say about her behaviour and that she had lied in her affidavit, and I was ordered to bring the kids back to their mother and I can see them 10-5 on Saturdays.

I was wondering if anyone out there has experinced or seen this kind of situation before and has any advice?

Thanks

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

@wombats  Hi wombats :).  My story is a bit similar but from the spouse's point of view with the mental illness.If you still love your wife I would imho stay supporting her not fighting her. She needs help. My ex left me for another woman when I was severely mentally ill and it took me ages to recover ..... now that he understands what was going on in my life at that time he says he feels nothing but guilt for leaving me. My children were in their teens during that period and it was hell for everyone concerned.

 

By supporting the mother of your children doesnt mean that you are a door mat for her behaviour it just means that when she comes crumbling down (which she will) she will have a soft place to fall. Take care of yourself too. Make sure that your needs are being looked after during this process which will take time to sort out are being met. 

 

Fyi if you want to talk to anyone directly put a @ in front of their name like I did for you. It will send a notification to them of your post. Take care wombat. Love greenpea

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

Thanks for getting back @greenpea , I appreciate it

 

My wife has abused me too much for me to love her anymore. I don't believe she has the ability to gain the self insight necessary for her to function as a healthy human being.

 

My main concern at the moment is about the kids (7 and 3.5), and the lack of emotional, mental, and physical development and support they will get in her pseudo care. When they are with her, their diets are very sub standard. The youngest had popcorn for lunch three or four days in a row when I was at work toward the end of last year.  On these days I would return from a roughly six hour work day and my eldest would say that they had watched three movies while I was away. I had regular arguments with my wife because I didn't want the kids to put a movie on first thing when they woke up. She doesn't provide them with many dinners other than either packet ravioli with parmesan cheese (nothing else) or cheese pizza. She doesn't do anything with the kids, she will get angry at them when they are bored of watching TV because she is busy internet shopping. This is also when our finances were strained and she was selling household contents (including the kids toys), and telling the kids that she had to do it because there was no money, not demonstrating that when there is no money, you don't buy unnecessary things.

 

Sorry for the rant, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

NPD has  very good Face Book sites. 

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

@wombats 

From a kids point of view, who lost her dad. Manage your drink. Stand by your rights and their rights to have a father.  The world needs decent men Big Time. 

 

It is the kind of female that makes me ashamed of my gender.  She obviously has problems and should be seeking help also.

 

You can still have some good input in those reduced hours.  As time passes you will be able to take them on weekends and holidays.  Believe in it.

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

Thanks for your thoughts @Appleblossom 

 

I have been managing/monitoring the drink.

 

I make the most out of the 7 hours each week I spend with with the boys. I've been asking my ex for more time, but she will not agree, not even an hour extra.

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

@wombats 

 

Just dont lose hope and reasons to go on.

 

I have very restricted access to my grandson 2 1/2 hours in 10 months. Some young women are very controlling. I am not fighting, but it is not in the children's best interests. My main vice is ice cream!

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

I can't imagine how hard that must be @Appleblossom .  It was similar here, after a fairly petty dispute between my wife and my father and his wife I ended up losing contact with my father for about 5 years, unfortunately I belived my wife.  He didn't see my eldest over that time, and only met my youngest when he was 2 1/2. My mother would come and visit us until things got very tense in 2018 and then she started getting isolated from us by my wife as well. She had basically no contact with my boys for about a year and a half. 

Its amazing that people can justify treating others this way to themselves and others, and that people like me can be blindfolded into accepting it

 

Re: Separating from a wife who displays cluster b personality behaviour

Hearing you about being blindfolded. @wombats 

It is sad that so many families are fragmented and suffer.  LIfe is complicated and messy.

 

It is a mad mad world out there. 

 

My grandson is fairly safe atm and I am backing my son, as he needs to lead with regards to his son.  If that does not seem to complicated to follow. My nurturing is flowing well and I find ways to live with it all.  The sad thing is that the children so miss out. In these C virus days there are restrictions, I am hoping to suggest more zoom soon ...

 

Just hang in there and build best life possible for you ... that flows on.

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance