It's been awhile since i've been here, but I'm not sure where else to go to be honest.
I've not had to face myself for a long time, I was sitting in a "comfort zone", even though it was bad for me, was helping to prevent the reality of who I have become.
I had a job for 11 years, with the same company, and in June my role was made redundant. It was an awful environment and I was definitely pushing my limits...
I've not tried to get another job.
Since it was a redundnancy, i've not immediately needed funds, and I am married so there is steady income in the household. I've just not been able to take that step.
My anxiety has steadily been getting worse and worse, but it's also been freeing being at home without the stressors and obligations of work. It only takes a few responisiblities or appointments in my week to leave me in a perpetual stress.
The industry I work in is very intense. I thought i'd be fine until a friend of mine in the same field of work said her workplace is looking for someone in my "profession" and asked if I wanted to leave my details with her boss. I did and immediately went into panic. Cold sweat. What if I fail? What if i don't have answers to the questions. What if I struggle with the slog of travelling to a new far away work place, the drain of a full time job. The industry. The pressure to be perfect in the interview and beyond. I don't even have so much as an emailed job description yet, but I already spiraled and turned to alcohol as a solution to numb the stress, then questioned if there was a way to self medicate myself through employment without anyone knowing. Only one shot beforehand. No one could know. Surely...I rationalise. Knowing that's totally impossible to get away with.
I wanted a part time role so I could feel less trapped in that corporate world but so far i've found nothing that fits. I can't bring myself to contact anyone and even having my details in the hands of ONE person who might not even use them paralyses me. I've not had to look for a job in over a decade and even then I was awful at it. I got a job out of pure luck last time and that took almost a year.
I can't be what society needs, I'm not sure that exists. This focused, goal orientated, confident person? It's not a thing. Any attempt would be a lie.
I'm so sick of people telling me to just try and it'll be fine. It's not that easy.
from cloudcore
