Lived Experience Forum

[Lee82]

Just checking in @saltandpepper hoping you are doing ok. 💕

[Minnie64]

Is anyone else finding the big shut in depressing can't seem to get out of bed. Trying to get busy but I dosnt seem to be working even a shower is an effort 

[saltandpepper]

Shit @Lee82  I'm really sorry I wasn't here to respond to your message. Thank you for sharing with me, and I hope you are coping ok today, and again, I'm really sorry I wasn't here when needed. Have you been able to talk to your T about any of your past? I really hope you're seeing someone that isn't just all about 'mindfullness' and that you feel comfortable letting them in to help process and heal from your trauma. You have been through so much. I hope you are safe and ok today. I understand the pressure you feel for your boys, needing to be here because who else will they have? I get it, I feel it too, and it's a lot to shoulder. I'm really sorry I haven't been here Lee. 

[Lee82]

Hi @saltandpepper no need for apologise. We all have stuff going on and if you can't be on here for what ever reason that is ok. 
I'm sorry I'm not sure who you meant when you said have I been able to open up to 'T' about my past?

i am not doing so great at the moment. I am staying at mums for a few weeks which is not ideal for me but it was sort of forced.

How have you been lately? 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Lee82 sorry by 'T' I meant your Therapist/psych. Are they someone you've been able to share with?

Agh, I'm sorry you're in that position, if it's ok, can I ask why you are staying with your Mum, the 'forced' part of that concerns me, and how is your relationship with her these days? Hope you're coping ok, and I hope your Mum is treating you with respect and kindness.

[Lee82]

I feel comfortable talking to my psych however I find it extremely hard to talk about my past in detail. I have tried a couple times and end up having panic attacks and zoning out. 
i ended up in hospital Thursday night for something I did and instead of them admitting me into the psych ward we came to a compromise. I was to stay with mum under her supervision for a few weeks. She has been ok so far although I feel her judgement and anger. My psych has also agreed to check in on me daily. 
Its not what I want but it's been than being locked up. 
how have you been @saltandpepper 💕

[saltandpepper]

@Lee82 what can I say? I'm really sorry, things are sounding so rough right now and I wish I knew what to say. I really don't want to say the wrong thing here. So maybe I shouldn't say anything. But ugh, whatever anger/judgement/issues your Mum is having is not your responsibility to straighten out. Whatever she thinks/feels is not your responsibility, and I'd hate for it to have an impact on you recovering from what you've been through. I hope that's ok to say. Do you feel safe being in her home? Are you safe? Does your psych allow time for you to talk properly when they check in, or is it just a quick check to see if things are ok?

How has your psych responded to your having a panic attack while trying to talk about the past? Have you been able to find a different way to get it out? Because writing is a big part of me, my T always encourages me to write things out, and I can either share it with him or not. As hard as it is, and sometimes it's too hard, but it's always good for me to let the past out. I didn't get the chance to acknowledge alot of things as a child, doing that now seems to really help calm all that noise down. I mean yeah, it gets on top of me sometimes, but it's not constant like it used to be. Giving younger me the freedom and time to finally have a voice has been a great help, maybe this could help you too? Writing what you can from the past, whatever you can manage, it's like you're validating younger you. At least that's how it feels to me, validating. Just writing, if you can, what happened, and the feelings that you either felt or in my case, supressed and switched off. To me, it feels like you've got to give the younger you the kindness you never received in order to give present day you strength. I don't know how much of that made sense, sorry if it was a bit confusing.

I'm really sorry again Lee that I wasn't here to help you through the week. It feels terrible knowing you've been struggling like this. I'm really sorry things have gotten so bad.

[Lee82]

Thank you so much @saltandpepper but please don't feel bad for not being around this week. It's ok really. I know if you could have you would have been here. 
that is definitely ok to say about mum. I am struggling a lot with guilt at the moment so I feel her feelings and emotions are valid. I am safe here at mums. I can't even go to the bathroom without 10 questions being shot at me. I am never really ever alone more than a few minutes. 
My psych gives me time to talk as well it's just not a quick phone call to see if I'm safe. She has been great. 
she thinks that maybe talking about my past isn't the best way for me to heal as it seems to cause me a lot of pain and the experience is way to intense for me. She is great at helping me come out of my panic attacks. She is very patient with me. Her method is more around building on my positive thinking and routine and trying to reduce my anxiety on a daily bases. I'm not doing so great with all of that at the moment though. I have tried writing things down however I feel like I need to verbalise it to make it come out completely to be able to let it go. I need to understand all that happened and make sense of a few things. 
to be honest I'm not sure if I will ever be ok. @saltandpepper 

[saltandpepper]

@Lee82 I'm sorry you're not feeling hopeful right now. The concept of one day being 'ok', I think, is perhaps not helpful? Like goal setting, setting unrealistic goals or goals that are too big can have a negative affect. I mean, the concept of being ok one day sounds like a normal desire, but in my instance, I too feel like this is not something I will ever 'acheive'. When I feel overwhelmed and like giving up, this is acutally quite a prominent thought I have, that I'll never feel normal or Ok, so what's the point? When I'm in a healthier headspace, I feel I can accept this and strive for more attainable goals. As you said, I too don't really ever see a day when I will feel 'ok'. But, I can become stronger, and I'm working on that. My hope is to have more good days then bad, and when the bad ones are here that I'll be strong enough to pull out of them. I don't have my sights set on being 'ok', and I'm okay with that. I hope you will be able to find peace and comfort in smaller things, rather than the larger concept of being ok one day. It brings me comfort, but maybe that's weird.

Yeah, looking back isn't a positive way forward for everyone, that's completely understandable. How have you found your psychs positive thinking approach? Has it been helpful for you? I'm glad she has been giving you good daily support and time to talk things out. What does she think of you being in your Mum's house, does she think this will be good for you?

The writing thing, I feel I should say, isn't really about me 'letting go'. And I don't think anyone should really do that, (but maybe that's not healthy?) because it feels dismissive (to me). Writing it out is more my way of trying to nurture and accept those injured parts of me, to validate what I need to. But when I've finished writing, I don't let it go, it's more like I'm making it part of me. Making myself whole again. That probably sounds insane/makes no sense. I'm not great at talking it out, it's either too hard or doesn't come out the way I mean it to, writing is easier, but still challenging. Even just on here, my mind gets hazy and it's hard to keep track of what I'm saying. So, if I lose track and go off on tangents, I'm sorry about that.

[Lee82]

You make some valid points @saltandpepper . I understand what your saying about the word 'ok'. Perhaps I used it wrong. When I say ok I just mean I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel like I wish I never woke. Want to be able to go a day without having to battle anxiety or worry about triggers or deal with flashbacks. I want to be to feel happiness and joy and have goals that I am wanting to achieve. I want to feel like I have energy and I am motivated to do things. I want to be able to have a peaceful sleep without interruptions and fall asleep excited for the next day. 
I guess I just can't accept the way things are but at the same time don't have the motivation to change. It's like I have this struggle inside of me. The dark side is just too strong right now and I can't seem to find a way to let go of it.