11-01-2019 10:22 AM
11-01-2019 01:22 PM - edited 11-01-2019 01:45 PM
I don't know how this may help @CheerBear. I am not sure where i got it from. Here it is.
IS THE FEAR REAL OR IMAGINED?
Did the fearful thinking come from your senses or from your mind?
If it came through your senses (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, or feeling),
take the fear very seriously,
decide how to protect yourself,
and take immediate action.
If it came through your mind,
the fear is not about something real.
You can relax.
It's a tricky situation. I agree in the title.
11-01-2019 02:22 PM
@CheerBear I think we can self-sabotage in such situations because we do not want to get hurt again. That does not mean that what we are feeling internally is wrong and you should not listen to that voice. Often when we have been through such an abusive relationship and relationship we have subsequently will be tricky. The key here I think is to work out if these are indeed residual feelings from your past hurt or new feelings with this relationship. If they are new feelings then act on them and if they are risidual feelings then maybe see where this goes giving it a little more time. You can only go on how he treats you in the present but if he is pushing you to have more than what you want then maybe he isn't right for you at this point in your life. You do need to put yourself first here and think what it is that you really want - that is most important - because if you want very different things in both this relationship and out of life then you will have difficulties moving forward anyway. A lot to think about Hon but you are a strong, independent and courageous women and you will do what is right for you in both the short-term and longer term.
11-01-2019 03:43 PM
11-01-2019 04:26 PM
Hi @CheerBear I fully understand how difficult it is to start a new relationship after an abusive one. A couple of things come to mind. One is not to let him rush you. If he knows about what happened before he should accept this imo. Two is to really look at any red flags (as you mentioned) and not bury them. 2017 I did a course called Living Beyond Abuse and it taught me a lot. If you have a local women's centre they might have something similar. I still have all the material they gave us and a section of it was about getting into new relationships. If I can help, and if you want to, perhaps naming the red flags here could help. People say to trust our instincts but when you've been abused before it's really hard to trust both externally (other people) and internally (our radar). Most relationship (domestic) abuse victims have been 'groomed' in some way by their perpetrator, who is frequently a narcissist. (Often seeming like a rescuer or protector in the 'honeymoon' phase). It's common to be cut off from previous social contacts and friends, to be expected to be available at all times and let them into every aspect of our lives. There is a cycle in most abusive relationships which I can go into in more detail if you want me to.
Hoping this reply is helpful and not too invasive. I only want to help.
11-01-2019 04:40 PM
It is often that one person in a relationship feels more for the other than they can themselves @CheerBear - but it gets difficult if you can't see yourself having the same feelings for them longer term. It sounds like you are at that point and feeling pressured - even subconsciously - to find feelings you do not have. That is not what you want or need in this relationship. Time may change that but these things cannot be forced - they have to progress (or not) naturally ...and when you have had the history you have had there is no wonder you are questioning the relationship. You can only judge on what you are presented with though Hon and you know both him and you best and it really does come down to what you want out of this relationship and if he can give you that - whatever 'that' is.
11-01-2019 04:56 PM
11-01-2019 05:02 PM
No worries @CheerBear. I'm hoping I understand where you're coming from in your last post. It's great that you have the counsellor irl that you can discuss things with. Hope your sleep settles down. Here for you however you want to share.
11-01-2019 05:10 PM
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