Lived Experience Forum

[JosRapp]

Thanks @Former-Member. Not doing very well really. Keep seeing and reading how all this stuff will make people more connected and stuff, so, I decided to call my parents. That was a bad idea. They were more annoyed that they were being reminded that I exist, and to be honest, I am tired of feeling like I should be apologising for that. 

The SI is dragging up a lot of stuff really. I have always had to isolate myself because of bullying, and really most of that was about how I had no friends, that I was to ugly to be wanted, that nobody would ever want to touch me. So all this is just like going through all that all over again. Sometimes it doesn't need to be words that are said. Silence can say it even louder. 

[JosRapp]

@jamesle2015 you are lucky the SI isn't so bad for you. Have read others say that they feel their anxieties are less at the moment too. 

For me it is not so good. Just highlighting how isolated I really am, and how little actual human contact I have, even when things are 'normal'. 

[Former-Member]

@JosRapp , I am sorry your parents make you feel that way. Families are meant to make you feel loved and protected ( well that's my counsellor keeps telling me) but unfortunately for a lot of us here they are not, they are the most toxic, unhelpful and sometimes down right cruel people out there. You don't deserve to feel unwanted, no one does. 

I don't think people realise or understand how much the SI is affecting us with mental health issues. I don't think it matters if you previously SI the choice to try and connect with people in person has been denied/taken away from us. Mentally health  people wouldn't understand because that's how you live anyways, but I can tell you it's been a real struggle for me and isn't helping at all with my depression

I am sorry you have suffered/continue to suffer from people's bullying, I can't even imagine how tough that is for you right now.  Silence can be more deadly than the harsh spoken word. I have found ou through the required SI that the few people in my life actually don't care. Their true colours have definitely been exposed and it's heartbreaking and cruel. 

I am Nikki, one of Izzy's alters. Hope you can find a little peace tonight. 

[JosRapp]

Hi @Former-Member 

Yeah, I am still surprised that many of the therapists I have been to seem to assume that everyone has a loving and supportive family and group of friends. It seems to be an important part of therapy, of recovery and healing, but, what if you don't have those things, those people in your life? 

As I have gotten older, I think I am finding out more and more just how much silence hurts. When I was younger, being ignored and excluded was often more of a relief. Now, I kind of realise how much knowing that there were people who could see the bullying, but who did and said nothing, kind of hurts just as much as the actual words or getting beat up. It might not have stopped all of it, but, it would have helped knowing and seeing that someone cared. I had it at school, at home, then at university, and at the jobs I have had, and yeah, now being at home by myself, the silence is like just another form of it. 

Not that I find it easy to find people to talk with at the best of times, but yeah, it does kind of feel like any slight opportunity to socialise just isn't there any more. Even online I just don't find anyone who is really willing to talk, let alone long enough to make any connection with. I just seem to spend time deleting spam emails and texts, and that is kind of about it. There isn't anyone to text, or WhatsApp or anything like that. Even Facebook has been a dead end. 

Nobody deserves to feel unwanted, yeah. But I guess some of us just are.

[Former-Member]

@JosRapp, I hear you my friend and it sucks. I was lucky enough to find a counsellor who seems to understand we all don't have fantastic family/friends to support us. She has quickly stopped  suggesting that I lend on them for support because she is now well aware that would not happen for me. 

I don't know what else to say really because I feel like they are only words and words we have both definitely have heard over and over again. I struggle to interact with people and kind of like the anonymity of the Sane forums. And the fact I can walk away without being harassed and blamed for not being a good person. Social media is toxic and while I have FB it only severs to remind me of how alone I am. 

making connections with anyone is never easy but I am sure it wasn't meant to be this  f**ken hard either💖

[JosRapp]

Yeah @Former-Member, it is not easy, but is it supposed to be this hard? 

Today wasn't a good day, and feeling even more alone and invisible as usual. Not just physically alone and invisible, but emotionally too. And in some ways right now, that hurts even more. 

[Former-Member]

Definitely not meant to be this hard @JosRapp   I am sorry you are feeling this way today, that has to be tough. Just wanted to let you know that I am here, unfortunately for me it's been a hideous day and am just leaving MH ED so I don't have anything else to give in the way of helpful words or anything. 

I am going to check in with you tomorrow sometime. Sorry friend

[Whitehawk]

Hi there @JosRapp 

I am just sending you a supportive message. It sounds like you are doing it tough this evening.  I hope you are able to get some respite from the hurt tonight. Please look after yourself,

Thinking of you 

Whitehawk

[JosRapp]

Yeah @Whitehawk, I am. And no, while I am alone there is no respite from it at all. 

[JosRapp]

Went for a walk. Passed by families, and couples, while I walk alone. Again. And come home to what? To who? Nobody. Nobody to talk with, nobody to call. No messages. Just nothing. Again.