Lived Experience Forum

[Louise3]

Hi

I need help but I don't know where to start with a counsellor if I did go to one. It feels like there's just too much wrong with me and my mind and my feelings.

I feel like venting but it's going to be a long jumbled mess. I think in part because I haven't been to a counsellor for a while.

I'm sorry in advance. Please don't feel like you have to read this strangers entire rambling.

I know I need to go. I really do. But I don't know where to go. I also can't afford it, because I never get regular shifts and I feel like nobody can help me anymore.

I feel that I wasted too much time. I stood up too many appointments. I'm too old already. I already dreaded turning 18 in 2016, and now I feel sick thinking about how I'm turning 23 in ten or so days. I've become such a loser. I haven't done anything I wanted to or achieved anything. I even dropped out of year 12 in 2018. Now I have nothing to show. I don't want to die but I feel like I'll never belong here. Or anywhere. I've just let everyone down. I'm of no use to this society. I never will be because of my autism and other problems. Everyone writes me off even when I do try. I must be dumb, slow or rude, etc. I get talked to in a baby voice.

I only cling to life for my pets sake, and my long distance boyfriend who has some similarities to me. I also don't want to die in pain and make my family sad.

But everyday I feel so tired.

I haven't played with my puppies as much as I should. Or taken them for the walks I know they need. I feel guilty about it.

I stop talking to my boyfriend and friend for days at a time. Sometimes I think they just continue to talk and be there because they also don't really have anyone else.  And yes, they are real because we've been skyping and such for almost eight years now. But I haven't been there for them that whole time and it eats me up inside. I've wasted so much of our time together. I feel so guilty and like garbage.

My boyfriend is studying to be a nurse but I can't even do a retail job right. They become more healthy than me everyday. I feel like I'm going to be discarded eventually. I'm not even a good friend to them. But they're all I have now. But it will be my fault when they leave because I refuse calls and don't come online.

It would be healthy for me to have more friends, but they all left after school or only hung out with me out of pity or because we saw each other everyday or my "best friend" who abused me in almost every way. Sometimes I think about contacting her again, especially because she also seems lonely and I feel bad, but she was extremely toxic to me and I feel slightly better without her in my life.

I have no interest in parties or alcohol either, and it makes me feel really unsafe. But that's what people my age are expected to do. So there's nothing for me.

The expectations also make me feel nauseous. The last time I rang a counsellor (through work, I had a breakdown after work) she asked why don't I move into a share house (I have trouble with my parents) and seemed to look down on my for video games and such being my pastimes.

I can't move into a share house. It's just not a option for me. Even if it's all girls around my age (I don't feel safe living with men I don't know) they will all judge me and bully me. I will cause the same problems I cause my parents (High water bill due to trichtillomania. I have been using less lately though but it makes me feel extremely guilty) and won't be able to bring enough money to the table. Nobody understands and wearing wigs was hard enough on school trips when I had to bunk with people. Or people making fun of me for it. My scalp also has folliculitus so it's usually quite gross and disturbing. Basically it means my scalp is covered with pimples and sores even when I'm not pulling the hair out. At work I wear a wig and I feel it causes stigma with customers and colleagues. I never know how I am supposed to answer questions about my hair. 

I want to see my boyfriend but he’s on the other side of the planet and I don’t want him to be burdened by it all or gross him out. Not that borders are open anyway or that I work enough to get a ticket, etc.

I just feel so lost and frustrated about it all. I have no idea what to tackle first and I have more problems than just these with myself. It feels hopeless to try

[Zoe7]

Hi @Louise3 That is a lot to deal with  

It seems that you know the first step here to take but are having trouble doing that. Sometimes when we know what we need but do not know where to start it can be totally overwhelming - that though can be where a counsellor can help to start to unpack it all with you. Do you have  MHCP? If not your first point of call would be your GP to get one - that allows you medicare rebated sessions so the cost would be either reduced or nothing (depending on who you see and what they charge).

What really struck me with your post is the frustration you seem to be feeling at where you are in life - a place many here feel also. I would say though that whilst you feel that you have wasted time, it really can begin from now on what you do moving forward. We all have regrets in life and things we cannot change but dwelling on them can send us further into that dark place. Those things that you wanted to achieve can start from now  In saying that though I understand how being so tired is such a massive barrier to doing anything - even getting through each day. 

I very much hear you about safety too - there are things we are not comfortable to do for our own well being and maintaining that sense of safety - and that is okay. It does reduce the options we have at times but we also need to feel safe. If we do not feel safe then we cannot function the way we need to ...and once we feel that safety we can begin to branch out a little, try new things, have new experiences and find out more about ourselves ...and that does not mean you need to go to parties etc. - everyone is different and likes different things. What others expect of you or what the 'norm' is does not have to be your life - society is filled with the most amazing people from all walks of life, with so many different views, perspectives and ways of doing things. What makes this world so challenging is also what makes it exciting - every one is an individual and yet we co-exist together. ...maybe your journey is just beginning 

[bipolarbunny]

Hi @Louise3 first of all welcome to the forums which is a place where you can always vent, feel supported and safe. 

I am really sorry things are so overwhelming for you right now but as @Zoe7 has said, it sounds like you know the next move is to get help through counseling and we can all find that move daunting, but they can really help you structure a plan to move forward and recover to a better life. 

I can identify with some of what you have written as I have found myself in a similar situation when I was younger, where I never fitted in with my peers or seemed to have friends who were toxic to my well-being. It is so hard when you are still feeling your way in life, but please don't give up. As @Zoe7 suggested move forward from this point. You have plenty of time to find a career you love, friends who adore you, and a counsellor who can help you find the confidence to go after these things. 

There are no rules to life, you make it and live it however you like. You find what makes you happy and chase your own dreams. If we were all the same it would be a pretty boring world. Don't settle for fitting in, be uniquely you and shine your inner light.

You sound like a charming, intelligent, caring person with a beautiful soul. You deserve to be loved for who you are. xx

[Zoe7]

@bipolarbunny wrote 'You sound like a charming, intelligent, caring person with a beautiful soul. You deserve to be loved for who you are' - could not agree more @Louise3 

[Oaktree]

@Louise3 

You are not old and it is not too late to seek help. I am 50 years old and just working with a psychologist now for childhood issues. I wish that I had done it sooner. Also don't push your friends away as you will end up like me with very few friends and a desperate need for human connection. I feel very lonely. However don't bring your ex best friend back into your life if she is toxic. You don't need that kind of drama.

Hugs hun xxx

Meggle

[Zinger]

Hi @Louise3

Well done on coping as you are doing now, it's definitely good to start taking even small steps forwards.

Although my situation is quite different to yours, I can definitely see similarities. You are not alone out there! One thing I try is to limit how guilty I feel. Easier said than done, I know, but guilt tends to make it worse for me, and helps nothing. Forgiveness can be so helpful when trying to move forward. 

I am a similar age, and also like video games but not parties or alcohol. There's nothing wrong with these interests, and managing the expectation is a lot easier when I surround myself with other people of a similar age who share similar interests/values, since it changes the expectation (in the group at least! )

I also have trichotillomania and only recently realised that's what it was, so I'm really glad to be able to have found someone else online who knows what the stigma is like. I didn't expect to see a recent post about it so thanks for sharing I guess 🙂